Just Where Does He Run Off To Like That?

["Perfection" Evan Cartwright]

-=Forest, River, Predator's Footprints, early afternoon.=-



Chris: Remind me again why we're here? I thought we were gonna stop at Chinese Buffet?

Evan: Later, I need to find out just where Predator goes after his little tirades. I see some goliath-sized footprints over here, so I'll do my Croc-Hunter impression and track down the wily beast. Crickey!

Chris (removing his sunglasses and rolling his eyes): You really need to stop watching that stuff, it's making you delusional. Do you think they serve liquor this early at the buffet?

Evan: Look, the tracks lead directly into the woods over there, and the footprints seem to be filled with salty tears. Predator for sure.

Chris: Do we have to go in there? I can only imagine what kind of depraved squalor this fool leaves behind in the woods. Don't you watch those scary movies, Ev? They say "Never go into the woods!" Did you ever see Deliverance?

Evan: No... c'mon, Chris, just humor me for a bit. We'll leave soon and you can stuff your face with dumplings all day if you want.

[The duo follow Predator's trail until it leads deeper into the forest, populated by evergreen firs and pines. The towering trees suddenly part into a clearing and we find a small brown cabin, which has seen better days we hope. The decaying wood creaks audibly and looks ready to collapse at a moments notice. A goat is tied to a post in the front door and he greets them with a sickly "Baaaaa!"]

Chris: I'm already getting the creeps. I don't wanna know what he has in there.

Evan: Scared?

Chris: Me... hell yes, he might have some fat chick's severed head mounted on the wall or something.

Evan: Come on, you wuss.

[Evan and Chris step over the mounds of trash, porn magazines, and tin cans. The goat is lazily munching on a can of his own as Chris unties him and tries to shoo him away. Evan kicks the front door open and we find a single room, darkened. Evan and Chris cover their noses from the smell as Evan finds a gas lamp nearby. The room becomes illuminated and we can see a large vanity mirror on the opposite wall. Underneath the mirror is a desk filled with what appear to be female cosmetics. Lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara, powder, rouge, and blush. The mirror is scrawled with a message in lipstick: "Evan Sucks! Predator was here... and I'm so pretty!"]

Chris: Gah! I'm gonna be sick. What's this over here?

[Chris finds a blow-up donkey doll and kicks it away.]

Chris: I need to burn these shoes. Lets get out of here, man. The sooner the better. Reminds me too much of The Blair Witch Project. Ev...?

[Evan is facing the corner and not responding to his friend. Chris gets an annoyed look on his face and throws a the nearest thing at hand at him, which just happens to be a pair of ben-wah balls. Evan dodges the sex toy and laughs as Chris wipes his hand on his pants.]

Chris: You're getting my dry-cleaning bill and some new shoes, I hope you know that.

Evan: Lets get out of here now, I think I just saw something crawling underneath that towel. Let me just...

[Evan whips off the towel to reveal a fish tank filled with rabid, starving gerbils. Both men have had enough and exit the creepy cabin. As soon as both men are a safe distance away, the cabin collapses upon itself, the roof caving inward, with a loud crunch. The goat is free and starts rubbing its behind against a nearby tree.]

Chris: That Predator is one sick cat. So this is where he would always run off to after being embarrassed. Takes the Crying Game to a whole new level, no?

Evan: Rather disturbing... but that's not something unexpected regarding Predator. The man is not only an inferior talent to me, but he's a sick and depraved individual. At least he kept his secret hidden fairly well, until now. I will be doing NAPW a favor by knocking his head off his shoulders and becoming the number one contender to The Minstrel's Provincial title.

Chris: I hope I didn't get herpes from that place. We should have burned it down.

Evan: No sense in starting a forest fire. Besides, he'll be wanting to return to cry over the rubble once I'm finished humiliating him at MNF.

[Evan and Chris hop back into the Jeep and they depart. Fade to a commercial for City Wok Chinese Buffet on Whyte Ave.]