Post by D! on Jan 29, 2006 14:20:48 GMT -5
(Lights up. It's NAPW Backstage on monday night, and NAPW's only favourite announcer, Josh Reynolds, is waiting with the Champ, D!, and the Championship, the NAPW Title. On cue, Reynolds gets this party started.)
REYNOLDS: We are now moments away from tonight's show starting, and I'm speaking now with one-quarter of tonight's main event. D!, tonight you team up with Mark "The Moose" Miller to take on the team of Ravager and Maniac . . . one opponent you know very well, and the other one you've professed to idolize. What are your thoughts heading into tonight's match?
D!: These are all good points and that's a great question. I've got a doozy of an answer for you, but I wanna do a thing first.
REYNOLDS: What?
D!: A thing. I wanna do a thing.
REYNOLDS: (Shrugs.) Okay.
D!: (Waves his hand.) Camera guy, over here. On me.
(The camera gets D! in a single shot. D! starts "writing" on the air right beside him.)
D!: Pitcher of Big Rock Traditional . . . $10.00
Various pitchers of Canadian . . . $35.00
Time spent in drunk tank until all charges were dropped . . . just a few hours.
The sight of a sweaty Ravager fan eating his own shirt . . . priceless.
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
(The camera zooms back to a two-shot.)
D!: Sorry. Just had to.
REYNOLDS: I see.
D!: It's been that kind of weekend, but tonight, D! and The Moose get their tag on and are absolutely, completely, irrevocably on the same page! Y'see, for me, it's about an upcoming title challenge, for Moose, it's all about self-respect. But what we both have in common? Why Moose and D! just plain work as a tag team? We are men on a mission. And I don't mean the original Men on a Mission, cause, well . . . less said about them the better. But D! and Moose have a mission, and that's to Keep. Wrestling. Awesome. Moose and I, we've had our trials . . . and they're done. As a certain former memoirist would tell you, "Enough With the bullshit, it's time to throw down!"
Ravager, you want to give me grief over my decisions? You couldn't give guidance to hypnotized people. First of all, when I wear the belt, why I wear the belt, my reasons, my business. I just happen to like wearing the belt out. You're the only one that seems to have a problem with that. You used to draw lipstick on the Provincial Title and put a wig on it, but nobody said jack to you, so why get angry with me?
And what's more, dude, your stupid selective memory is just gonna get you into trouble time and time again. I spent, what? An hour with you after Joker's Wild telling you exactly why I went into my rematch. And it wasn't about the title, chucklehead, and I've told you as much, but it looks like the acoustic tile you've added to protect your brain musta scrubbed it out. And then, to have the gall to accuse me of acting badly leading up to my rematch? What should I have done? Destroy someone's car and pin it on someone else? Write out a message in fire? (To Reynolds.) Fire's his medium.
REYNOLDS: I see.
D!: Beat up somebody's manager? Wait! Hold the phone! That's something you would never abide by! That's the work of a monster! Of an untrustworthy cad! Of a--
(Leans right up into the camera.)
Of a hypocrite.
(Steps back again.)
Keep playing dumb, Ravager, if it gives you a laugh. But don't expect me to live in your special white-washed version of reality, Ravager, because it obviously hurts to be you.
You emotionally manipulated me with your pretend "family" and almost tossed me off a rooftop. Now keep bitching about who stole the show on Action! on their first day.
Now, you, Maniac, the truth remains that I've followed your career. I've followed your matches. I love your matches. I'm thrilled that I get to be in one of them. But with all of those great matches I've ordered on all of those tapes, Maniac, against Jimmy Blast, Rob Osbourne, Jeff Jericho, against anyone, anywhere, this past month I realise what I've never seen on any of those tapes.
They've always deleted the interviews.
(Sighs.) Do you have any idea what it's like to discover that one of your idols is a douche?
I mean, geez, Maniac, you can't even be bothered to find your own partner. And everything you've talked about is you, you, you . . . I mean, my ego's about as healthy as the next guy, but damn, can we stop talking about you for a second? About your history, about your love life, about your bowel movement, PEANUT! GET OVER YOURSELF! You're good, you're great, but you're not the non-boring ass kicker I built you up to be. And that guy is the guy who the NAPW fans deserve to see.
So tonight, I don't plan on beating Maniac. I intend on beating the ponce that's impersonating Maniac.
I'm gonna go find Moose and talk strategy. Maniac! Ravager! You'e got four matches to get your shit together. And after that, the math is pretty simple:
FOUR men.
THREE of them that want to toss Ravager around.
TWO winners.
ONE letter, said REAL LOUD.
D!
I'm out. Take it away, Joshy-boy!
(D! walks out of frame.)
REYNOLDS: Strong words from the Champion, competing later tonight in the main event. Now tonight also has the return match of the former NAPW Champion, Chris Casino, facing J.C. Cook in a match he refers to as--
(D! bursts back into frame.)
D!: Whoa, wait, whoa! Sorry, Josh, I just remembered something.
REYNOLDS: Remembered something?
D!: Yeah, I have a question that's burning in my brain, and I've got to ask it.
(Looks directly into the camera.)
D!: So, uh, Ravager, Maniac, I gotta know . . . which one of you's gonna pin me?
(He clicks his tongue, and grinning, leaves. Lights down.)
REYNOLDS: We are now moments away from tonight's show starting, and I'm speaking now with one-quarter of tonight's main event. D!, tonight you team up with Mark "The Moose" Miller to take on the team of Ravager and Maniac . . . one opponent you know very well, and the other one you've professed to idolize. What are your thoughts heading into tonight's match?
D!: These are all good points and that's a great question. I've got a doozy of an answer for you, but I wanna do a thing first.
REYNOLDS: What?
D!: A thing. I wanna do a thing.
REYNOLDS: (Shrugs.) Okay.
D!: (Waves his hand.) Camera guy, over here. On me.
(The camera gets D! in a single shot. D! starts "writing" on the air right beside him.)
D!: Pitcher of Big Rock Traditional . . . $10.00
Various pitchers of Canadian . . . $35.00
Time spent in drunk tank until all charges were dropped . . . just a few hours.
The sight of a sweaty Ravager fan eating his own shirt . . . priceless.
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
(The camera zooms back to a two-shot.)
D!: Sorry. Just had to.
REYNOLDS: I see.
D!: It's been that kind of weekend, but tonight, D! and The Moose get their tag on and are absolutely, completely, irrevocably on the same page! Y'see, for me, it's about an upcoming title challenge, for Moose, it's all about self-respect. But what we both have in common? Why Moose and D! just plain work as a tag team? We are men on a mission. And I don't mean the original Men on a Mission, cause, well . . . less said about them the better. But D! and Moose have a mission, and that's to Keep. Wrestling. Awesome. Moose and I, we've had our trials . . . and they're done. As a certain former memoirist would tell you, "Enough With the bullshit, it's time to throw down!"
Ravager, you want to give me grief over my decisions? You couldn't give guidance to hypnotized people. First of all, when I wear the belt, why I wear the belt, my reasons, my business. I just happen to like wearing the belt out. You're the only one that seems to have a problem with that. You used to draw lipstick on the Provincial Title and put a wig on it, but nobody said jack to you, so why get angry with me?
And what's more, dude, your stupid selective memory is just gonna get you into trouble time and time again. I spent, what? An hour with you after Joker's Wild telling you exactly why I went into my rematch. And it wasn't about the title, chucklehead, and I've told you as much, but it looks like the acoustic tile you've added to protect your brain musta scrubbed it out. And then, to have the gall to accuse me of acting badly leading up to my rematch? What should I have done? Destroy someone's car and pin it on someone else? Write out a message in fire? (To Reynolds.) Fire's his medium.
REYNOLDS: I see.
D!: Beat up somebody's manager? Wait! Hold the phone! That's something you would never abide by! That's the work of a monster! Of an untrustworthy cad! Of a--
(Leans right up into the camera.)
Of a hypocrite.
(Steps back again.)
Keep playing dumb, Ravager, if it gives you a laugh. But don't expect me to live in your special white-washed version of reality, Ravager, because it obviously hurts to be you.
You emotionally manipulated me with your pretend "family" and almost tossed me off a rooftop. Now keep bitching about who stole the show on Action! on their first day.
Now, you, Maniac, the truth remains that I've followed your career. I've followed your matches. I love your matches. I'm thrilled that I get to be in one of them. But with all of those great matches I've ordered on all of those tapes, Maniac, against Jimmy Blast, Rob Osbourne, Jeff Jericho, against anyone, anywhere, this past month I realise what I've never seen on any of those tapes.
They've always deleted the interviews.
(Sighs.) Do you have any idea what it's like to discover that one of your idols is a douche?
I mean, geez, Maniac, you can't even be bothered to find your own partner. And everything you've talked about is you, you, you . . . I mean, my ego's about as healthy as the next guy, but damn, can we stop talking about you for a second? About your history, about your love life, about your bowel movement, PEANUT! GET OVER YOURSELF! You're good, you're great, but you're not the non-boring ass kicker I built you up to be. And that guy is the guy who the NAPW fans deserve to see.
So tonight, I don't plan on beating Maniac. I intend on beating the ponce that's impersonating Maniac.
I'm gonna go find Moose and talk strategy. Maniac! Ravager! You'e got four matches to get your shit together. And after that, the math is pretty simple:
FOUR men.
THREE of them that want to toss Ravager around.
TWO winners.
ONE letter, said REAL LOUD.
D!
I'm out. Take it away, Joshy-boy!
(D! walks out of frame.)
REYNOLDS: Strong words from the Champion, competing later tonight in the main event. Now tonight also has the return match of the former NAPW Champion, Chris Casino, facing J.C. Cook in a match he refers to as--
(D! bursts back into frame.)
D!: Whoa, wait, whoa! Sorry, Josh, I just remembered something.
REYNOLDS: Remembered something?
D!: Yeah, I have a question that's burning in my brain, and I've got to ask it.
(Looks directly into the camera.)
D!: So, uh, Ravager, Maniac, I gotta know . . . which one of you's gonna pin me?
(He clicks his tongue, and grinning, leaves. Lights down.)