The New & Improved Musical, End of Act 2

[Scott [NAPW Staff]]

ACT II, SCENE II

(The lights rise back up, “Flaming Youth” still playing in the orchestral pit. Three kids sit in lawn-chairs in front of the NAPW ring. LITTLE MIKE, LITTLE CAM and LITTLE TIFFANY. Man, oh man, the NAPW production crew is getting mileage out of these three! The music changes to a more humorous, slower tune, indicating “Lazy – The Dudes” has begun.)

LITTLE MIKE
Laaaaaaazy…

LITTLE CAM
Laaaaaaazy…

LITTLE MIKE/LITTLE CAM
So very laaaaazy…

LITTLE TIFFANY
You see what I put up with?
You see what they put me through?
They’re so very lazy!
I just don’t know what to do!

The Dudes! The Dudes.
They’re filled so full of slack.
All they do is loaf around,
And eat a tasty nacho snack!

LITTLE CAM
Laaaaaaaazy…

LITTLE MIKE
Laaaaaaaazy…

LITTLE MIKE/LITTLE CAM
So very laaaaazy…

LITTLE TIFFANY
They pretend that they can wrestle!
They think they’ll reach the top!
With the drive of a turtle,
All they’ll ever do is flop!

The Dudes! The Dudes.
They just sit and sit all day
Like a pair of three-toed sloths,
With a wrestling game to play.

LITTLE MIKE/LITTLE CAM (In harmony)
Would you please just lay off!
We like our wrestling games!

[/i]

(As the audience applauds, CAM, MIKE and TIFFANY all storm on from stage right. They chase the three kids out of their seats and throw the lawn chairs off stage. Both teams stand facing one another, The Little Dudes quaking in fear.)

CAM
So! You little punks think you can defeat the winningest tag team in the history of tag teams!?

MIKE
We’ll show you just how awesome we are! Bring in the BEAR!

LITTLE DUDES (In unison)
Bear!?

MIKE
You see, Dudes, we’re like bears. GROUCHY!

LITTLE DUDES
(GASP!)

CAM
AND HAIRY!

LITTLE DUDES
(GASP!)

(A MAN IN A BEAR COSTUME rushes the stage from stage left. It stops long enough to roar. The Little Dudes, and the members of D-X all scream and run for it. Exeunt pursued by bear. In the confusion, the NAPW Titles have been left, discarded, on the stage. Little Mike hurries back onto the stage and grabs them.)

LITTLE MIKE
Yoink!

(The audience laughs as the lights dim.)

ACT II, SCENE III

(Lights up on CAM and MIKE sitting angrily on the ring apron. TIFFANY paces nervously in front of them.)

TIFFANY
I don’t know what to say, boys! How could we have expected a pair of lazy punks and their ditzy cheerleader to pull a fast one on us! We couldn’t have expected them to steal the NAPW Tag Titles! Who knows what happened!?

MIKE
We know what happened.

CAM
Yeah. YOU!

(Orchestra hit!)

TIFFANY
Me!?

MIKE
Yeah, YOU!

(Orchestra hit!)

TIFFANY
But, you can’t, I was just HELPING! And the bear was YOUR idea!

MIKE
Well you can help yourself right out the door, Coach Jago. We’re through with you as our manager!

CAM
We don’t need you anymore! We’re BETTER than you!

MIKE
But you’ll still be training us. Just… off camera, where you can’t ruin our image, or muck up our matches!

TIFFANY
But, but, but, but…

MIKE/CAM
GO!

(Spotlight on Tiffany. A sad, slow music strikes up… it’s the music from “Stick With Me.”)

TIFFANY
Who trained you to be catches?
Stick with me…
Who interfered in matches?
Stick with me…

I saved you both in the ring,
You didn’t wrestle… I did everything.
Now I’m being tossed out on my ear…
But I’ll try not to shed… a… tear…

(sniffle)

Stiiiiick…wiiiiiiiiith…

CAM
Are you still here!? Get lost!

TIFFANY
…me.

(Sniffles can be heard in the audience as Tiffany hangs her head, and with one last, sad tweet on her whistle… exits stage right.)

MIKE
Finally. The dead weight is gone.

(WAYNE WRIGHT walks on stage left. He wears sunglasses, a three piece suit, and a long blonde wig.)

WAYNE
Psst!

CAM
Who’s that handsome devil?

WAYNE
Chris. Chris Casino. Pleasure to meet you dirty Canadian losers.

MIKE
What do you want?

WAYNE
Specifically? The NAPW Title. And I think you two are the key to that.

CAM
How so?

WAYNE
Let’s just say… I’ll scratch your filthy Canadian backs if you scratch my futuristic American one. Allow me to introduce my manager.

(TIFFANY, in the fastest quick change in history, emerges from stage right. She’s now in an immaculate suit, with a silver briefcase.)

TIFFANY
Terry Brandon. The pleasure, I say, the pleasure’s all mine!

WAYNE
This is just the beginning boys. With you and me as the champions, we’ll own this federation! It’ll be Las Vegas two! I swear it! And my plan is so amazing, it makes Ocean’s 11 look simple!

MIKE
The new one?

WAYNE
No! The old one! With the Rat Pack… wait a minute… not only is that a brillaint idea! That sounds like a song!

(The orchestra hits up some jazzy lounge music. “Rat Pack” begins.)

WAYNE
We’ll be the kings.
Of wrestling rings.
Hold all the gold.
Be bought and sold.

We’ll be the Rat Pack.
Rat Pack.

TIFFANY
Chris Casino is hot.
You two are not.
Join up with us.
It’s a huge plus.

Come join the Rat Pack.
Rat Pack.

MIKE
What should we do?

CAM
Well I’m feeling some major heterosexual man love for Chris Casino! I think we should join!

CAM/MIKE
Where do we sign!?

WAYNE/TIFFANY (Duet)
You won’t regret.
It’s a sure bet.
The house wins.
Our reign begins.

We’re now the Rat Pack.

CAM/MIKE/WAYNE/TIFFANY (Ensemble)
RAT PACK!

(Lights! Curtain! Act 2 is over… one act to go! But first… INTERMISSION!)

- Wayne Wright used with permission. He was in the Bear costume too.