A D-X PSA: Musical Theatre

[Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL]]

(A high school auditorium. A bunch of actors onstage, going through the final dress rehearsal for "Bye Bye Birdie." Conrad Birdie is in the middle of "Honestly Sincere.")

CONRAD BIRDIE: When I sing about a tree,
Then, I really feel that tree!
When I sing about a girl,
I really feel that girl,
I mean I really feel since-

VOICE FROM THE FRONT OF HOUSE: Alright, cut! Stop the rehearsal!

DIRECTOR: Who said "Cut?" Only I get to say "Cut." Who DARES disturb the Vimy Ridge Academy's dress rehearsal of Bye Bye Birdie?

TEENAGER ON STAGE: (points) It's the New and Improved D-X!

(Bruce "The Beast" Richards and Stylin' Kyle Roberts storm down the aisle towards the stage.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: That's right, kid.

KYLE ROBERTS: (jumps onto the stage) Bye Bye Birdie, eh? You know I played something like ten parts in this show back in high school? Fourteen costume changes!

DIRECTOR: And who, pray tell, are you?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Don't listen to your students much, do you, chump?

KYLE ROBERTS: Anyone here watch NAPW? Come on, some of you geeks gotta have no social life.

(One teen raises his hand.)

KYLE ROBERTS: So, have you been keeping up on the whole deal with Joker's Wild?

TEEN: Yeah! That cage match is going to be awesome!

BRUCE RICHARDS: No, we're thinking the OTHER high-profile match that night.

TEEN: Ravager's totally going to get that contendership!

KYLE ROBERTS: Please! Bob Ravager, contender to Casino's belt? Kid, I want you to focus here for a second. Stop thinking of the guy in the gold lame Birdie costume there, just take a deep breath.

No, ready? Okay. OTHER than the deadly cage match, other than the gauntlet match, isn't there some sort of supremo-awesome match you're looking forward at seeing here?

TEEN: (pause) The Crusher?

KYLE ROBERTS: (gets in the kid's face) CHRIST! The LADDER match? A TRIPLE-THREAT TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH! Involving LADDERS and FOREIGN OBJECTS and THE GREATEST TAG TEAM KNOWN TO MAN? Yours truly, and the BEAST!

(Kyle calms down a bit.)

So, I'm assuming you've been keeping tabs on the website?

TEEN: Of course!

KYLE ROBERTS: And the Dudes' achingly long musical?

TEEN: Dude, those promos are awesome! Hilarious stuff!

BRUCE RICHARDS: If only entertaining promos won matches. Honestly, doesn't straightforward wrestling count anymore?

KYLE ROBERTS: I guess the point that we're trying to make here, is while the Dudes are astonishing us with their (air quotes) talent, their musical's lacking three...ESSENTIAL elements that would make it absolutely groingrabbingly stupendous.

DIRECTOR: Oh? And what might you know about the THEATRE?

KYLE ROBERTS: My life is a theatre, chumpstain. Now, the first and foremost thing that the Dudes are lacking...(points to kid dressed up as a policeman) any ideas?

POLICEMAN: A good score?

KYLE ROBERTS: Ennnh! I'll tell you, Jimbo: Pyrotechnics.

DIRECTOR: Oh, come on!

KYLE ROBERTS: Listen, Fruity McFancypants, name me one top-hit musical that DOESN'T have explosions!

DIRECTOR: Bye Bye Birdie?

BRUCE RICHARDS: But don't you think it should?

KYLE ROBERTS: My point exactly, Bruce! We're talking about an Elvis-ish guy who's going off to Korea. Why not show the war? BOOM! CRASH! There's your Sound and Fury! You MUST have seen Phantom of the Opera, right? Ka-BOOM! Pyro so big, I could feel the heat in the second balcony!

DIRECTOR: Phantom was splendid when I saw it in New York. And even better in the West End! And at the Jubilee? Wow!

KYLE ROBERTS: Now, point number two about musical theatre. (Notices a girl wearing a poodle skirt in the back row.) Excuse me, honey, could you come here for a second? What's your name?

POODLE SKIRT GIRL: Leah.

KYLE ROBERTS: Well, hello, Leah. You're looking very nice today. Tell me, do you dance in this production at all?

LEAH: Well, I play the dancing girl in the Shriner's Ball scene.

KYLE ROBERTS: Right. And do you wear something...provocative?

LEAH: Not really. Just a unitard.

KYLE ROBERTS: Point two: SEX SELLS! Leah here is quite the beauty, and the poodle skirt and unitard emphasize this. If you've got this good-looking girl in the cast, would you put her in a fat suit and fake mustache?

DIRECTOR: I did in Fiddler on the Roof.

KYLE ROBERTS: YOU DO NO SUCH THING! If you've got a pretty girl, you put her in pretty clothes, not a big grey sweatsuit!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Um, Kyle.

KYLE ROBERTS: You emphasise the curves, show to the audience what God gave her! You didn't see Scarlett Johanson in a pantsuit at the Golden Globes, did you? No! Bust-enhancing red dress! One that gets on the internet in minutes!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle! Focus!

(Kyle snaps out of his rant, finally.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: The third thing of any great musical? A happy ending. Now I've got here a few charts...

KYLE ROBERTS: God, not the charts.

BRUCE RICHARDS: (pointing to huge bar graph) Charts are important, Kyle. They organize complex information in such a way that ignorant Edmontonians can understand them. Now, as you see here, eighty-three percent of all major Broadway musicals end off with a happy ending. The other seventeen percent? They all close within two weeks.

DIRECTOR: Les Miserables! That didn't end happily!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Hello? The French Revolution went through just fine, didn't it?

DIRECTOR: Fiddler! They all get evicted from their village!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Which leads to all sorts of crazy misadventures in Israel! At least, you'd assume so, since the play doesn't end with that. That doesn't matter. What matters is that, although we're only halfway through the Dudes' epic, it doesn't look like there'll be much of a happy ending.

KYLE ROBERTS: What do you mean, Bruce? At this point in the musical, the heroes have the belts!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Would you call the ladder match we're going to have at Joker's Wild a happy ending?

KYLE ROBERTS: If we become three-time tag champs? Damn straight!

BRUCE RICHARDS: My point is, no matter who wins, it'll be one painful match to participate in. Isn't that the point of most heroic epics? Our adventurers go through fire and battles that change them in some way. The journey IS the reward.

KYLE ROBERTS: The only reward I'm looking for is our hands grasping those belts twenty feet above us. If that's a painful journey, so be it.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Now, I'll admit, Kyle and I were thinking of making a big musical featuring the Dudes. But, wouldn't you know it, there just isn't that much we can portray of the Dudes through song and dance.

KYLE ROBERTS: You know how many times I had to rhyme "nachos?" Or "deadbeat slackers?"

BRUCE RICHARDS: All we're trying to say is that we hope you have a happy ending in this musical.

DIRECTOR: Of course! Kim ends up getting engaged to Hugo, and Albert and Rosie move to a small town to teach junior high.

KYLE ROBERTS: Not THIS musical, jackass. Get to steppin'.

(The director hangs his head and walks offstage.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: Dudes! I hope the time off you're taking is helping in your preparations for this weekend! Crimes! Don't think we've forgot about you. You ARE the champs, after all. When all is said and done, and there are broken bodies littering the ring and floor? Only one team will be reaching for that pair of belts suspended above the ring. And we aim for it to be us.

KYLE ROBERTS: So, Leah, you're in what? Grade 12?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle! We've got stuff to do!

(Kyle Roberts walks off with Bruce, looking behind to the stage and miming "Call me.")

Co-written by Bruce Richards and Kyle Roberts