THE DELIVERY MEN are better than THE DECAPITATORS

[The Delivery Men]

(Lights up. All four members of The Delivery Men and The Decapitators are standing around the NAPW ring, a day before the show.)

DELIVERY MAN #1: Now, does everybody frickin' know why we're here?

DIAMOND: Ooh! Ooh! To coalesce as a four-man tag team!

AXE: Yeah, and to work together better!

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DELIVERY MAN #1: You're here so that we, The Delivery Men, may teach you two fricks how to wrestle a tag team match.

AXE: Uh . . .

DIAMOND: What?

DELIVERY MAN #1: We're going to wean you off the frickin' soft NAPW style of tag-teaming and onto the no-holds-barred Delivery Circuit style!

DELIVERY MAN #2: And if you guys can't learn, you've got no frickin' business hanging with us!

DELIVERY MAN #1: Now let me ask you this . . . what is the first maneuver you should attempt in any frickin' match?

AXE: Umm . . . a clothesline.

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DIAMOND: A dropkick.

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

AXE: A Spear.

DIAMOND: A Chokeslam.

AXE: A Shooting Star Press.

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

DELIVERY MAN #1: The answer is "a smile".

DELIVERY MAN #2: The answer is always a smile.

DELIVERY MAN #1: Question Number Two: How often should you tag your frickin' partner in?

DIAMOND: A smile!

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DIAMOND: But you just said--

AXE: When you're hurt.

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

AXE: Okay, when you're fine.

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

AXE: (Flustered.) When your opponent's down.

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DIAMOND: When the crowd's calling for it?

AXE: Whenever your opponent makes a tag?

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG! Both of you WRONG!

DELIVERY MAN #1: You tag your frickin' partner every three minutes, on the second.

DELIVERY MAN #2: (Demonstrating.) Keep your eye on your watch.

DELIVERY MAN #1: Now, say your opponents have tied you up in the frickin ropes and you can't escape under your own power. Both of your opponents are double-teaming your partner . . . what do you do?

AXE: Wow, uh . . . you call on the ref to free you.

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DIAMOND: You call on your partner to free you?

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DIAMOND: You try really, really hard to escape?

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DELIVERY MAN #1: You chew your own arm off at the shoulder.

DELIVERY MAN #2: (Mimes doing so.) NANG-NANG-NANG-NANG-NANG!

AXE: That's . . . not right.

DELIVERY MAN #1: Your partner relies on you at all times! You can't afford to be frickin' selfish! Next question: where does tag team wrestling happen?

DIAMOND: In the ring!

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DELIVERY MAN #1: It happens in there . . . (Points to the ring.)

DIAMOND: I just said that!

DELIVERY MAN #1: But it also happens . . .

DELIVERY MAN #2: . . . right here. (Cups his hands over his heart.)

DELIVERY MAN #1: Next frickin' question! What is the only thing that can counter the Delivery Drop?

AXE: A chop block?

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DELIVERY MAN #1: A complete eclipse of the sun.

DELIVERY MAN #2: We learned that the hard way.

(Diamond and Axe look at each other in disgust.)

AXE: Look, you guys . . . whatever. You guys are freaks. The Decapitators have got our shit locked up tight, we'll just see you on Monday.

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DELIVERY MAN #1: You will frickin' see us in your dreams!

DIAMOND: We're leaving!

DELIVERY MAN #2: WRONG!

DELIVERY MAN #1: All the doors are locked from the outside!

AXE: BYE!

(The Decapitators walk out of the hall.)

DELIVERY MAN #1: Frickin' nice kids!

DELIVERY MAN #2: With a lot of promise!

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With permission from The Decapitators.