Post by Chris Casino on Jan 12, 2006 23:19:49 GMT -5
- Moose Head Tavern, Canada -
Inside the small, yet quaint bar we find three members of the "Rat Pack" knocking back some cold ones. Evan Cartwright, Kyle Roberts and Chris Casino are huddled over the table going over important issues.
Casino: I'm tellin' you guys...The Predator is a genuine hermaphrodite. I swear! What man pees sitting down? The type of guy who has a....
Cartwright: Wait. How do you know he takes a piss sitting down?
Roberts and Cartwright look at the highly inebriated NAPW Champion.
Casino: Josh Reynolds told me.
Cartwright: Oh well then it must be true. Continue.
Roberts: Wait. What the Hell is a herm...Hermorpho...
Casino: It's hermaphrodite you drunk slut.
Roberts: What? I can't hear over the juke box.
Casino lets out an exasperated sigh and yells....Just as the song on the juke box ends.
Casino: (Screaming) I SAID IT'S HERMAPHORDITE!!!
Everyone in the bar turns to look at Casino. Cartwright and Roberts pretend they don't know the man sitting with them.
Casino: (To the crowd) What? Go back to drinking you damn dirty Canadians.
Roberts: Hey!
Casino: Damn sorry. I keep forgetting you're Canadian. Isn't there a pill or something you can take to change that?
Roberts: Uh no.
Casino slaps Roberts on the back.
Casino: Canadian or not, you're still my homie Cartwright.
Cartwright: Hey cracker, I'm over here. That's Kyle Roberts.
Casino: Sorry, sorry. You guys just look so much alike. Damn.
Cartwright and Roberts glance at each. It's the worried look of wondering who will get stuck taking a drunk Chris Casino back to the hotel.
Casino: What were we talking about?
Roberts: Monday Night Fights. You and Lobo face D! and Predator.
Casino: Oh yeah. D! One letter said real, real loud. (screaming) D!'S BLACK AND HE'S PROUD!
Cartwright: Damn, you can't drink worth shit cuz.
Roberts: (To Evan) Hey, uh, maybe we outta go look to see if there's anything on the juke box?
Both men quickly jump up from the table leaving Casino to his own devices.
Casino: See if they got any Dean Martin...I love that guy.
Casino takes another huge gulp of beer and as if on cue a waitress walks over and refills his mug.
Casino: D! and Predator. What a combo. Heh. Right up there with Abbott and Costello. One of them is a pathetic loser who pees sitting down and the other is, well a pathetic loser who wants my title. MY title. I already showed I can beat Predator. Hell, he's small time. But D!? Why do you want to humiliate yourself again? You weren't even man enough to shake my hand when I beat you for the title. You ran off D!. You ran away...Like a bitch.
D!, you're the past. You're what NAPW once was. A run down, about to close, nickel and dime dirty Canadian wrestling fed. I, Chris Casino, am what NAPW has now become. A ratings juggernaut with some of the greatest talent anywhere. I saved the promotion from you. You're nothing more than ratings poison. Meanwhile, everyone tunes in to see....Me. If you don't belive me, look at all the losers who were kissing your ass on your comeback. Action main event stars all the way baby. A place you'll soon be I might add.
I feel pity for you D!. You're so stuck in the past that you think that this rematch will change everything. But you're wrong. I'll beat you just like I did before. I'll retain my belt and watch as you vanish again to pout. But before that can happen, you have to team up with the dreaded one eyed weasel hunter Predator. Can the two of you co-exist? Who gives a rats ass? I sure don't. All I know is that at MNF, myself and Lobo will destroy you two morons. Lobo alone could take both of you. Little bitches.
The song "Since you've been gone" by Kelly Clarkson starts to play and Evan and Roberts return to the table.
Casino: What. Is. This?
Roberts: Sorry, I hit the wrong button on the machine.
Cartwright: (mumbles) Yeah right.
Casino: Look guys, here's how I see it. Me and Lloyd...
Roberts: Lobo.
Casino: That's what I said, me and Lloyd go to MNF and beat the stupid out of D! and Predator.
Cartwright: That's a lot of work.
Casino: Yeah but Lloyd's up to it. He hates D!.
Roberts: Don't you hate him?
Casino: He's teaming up with Predator, I feel sorry for his ass. That's like teaming up with a 10 year old kid with Sjogren's Syndrome. Oh wait...I forgot...D! hates me making fun of the mentally disabled. Yet, he's teaming with one this Monday.
Cartwright: I bet his damn momma is mentally disabled.
Roberts: I bet his mom and dad are cousins.
Casino: Anyway, at MNF me and...My partner...Will whip their asses without so much as breaking a sweat. D! said that NAPW was his house!
Roberts: What!?
Cartwright: Stupid cracker.
Casino and Roberts shoot Evan a look but he pretends not to notice.
Casino: D! might have helped build NAPW...But Chris Casino bought the bitch, cleaned it up and made it presentable. D! can suck my hairy....(pointing and shouting) YOU!!! FAT CANADIAN!!!
Everyone in the bar looks at each other unsure of who the drunk American is speaking to.
Casino: On the barstool, no not you, no you neither, YES YOU!!
A man in a red and black checkered shirt hauls his large frame off the barstool.
Casino: I'll give you $100 to do the robot.
Cartwright: (whispering to Roberts) hey man go start the car, the shit is about to break loose in here.
Dirty Canadian: Do the robot? Like the dance?
Casino: No like "Do The Robot" as in screwing your sister, YES BITCH, do the dance and I'll pay you $100, NO, $150!!!
Cartwright: (muttering) We're gonna die. (To Roberts) Hey you're Canadian, you better get us outta here in one piece or....
Dirty Canadian: Okay.
Casino: WOO HOO!!!!! Cartwright go catch a groove!
Cartwright gets up and slips some change into the juke box. The large sweaty Dirty Canadian stands in the middle of the bar. All eyes glued to him. The heavy bass hits like a baseball bat and "In Da Club" by 50 Cent starts to pump. Cartwright returns smiling.
Casino: Man...I hate rap.
Roberts: I like the Fat Boys back when they were hardcore.
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go shawty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a (BLEEP)
It's not your birthday!
The fat man starts doing the robot to the delight of all. Actually he's kinda good.
[Chorus] (2x)
You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed
The Dirty Canadian rips off his shirt and gives the waitress a "Rump Shake" to her horror.
[Verse]
When I pull out up front, you see the Benz on dubs
When I roll 20 deep, it's 20 knives in the club
Niggas heard I (BLEEP) with Dre, now they wanna show me love
When you sell like Eminem, and the hoes they wanna (BLEEP)
But homie ain't nothing change, hoe's down, G's up
I see Xzibit in the cut hey nigga roll that weed up
If you watch how I move you'll mistake me for a playa or pimp
Been hit wit a few shells but I dont walk wit a limp
In the hood, in L.A. they saying "50 you hot"
They like me, I want them to love me like they love 'Pac
But holla in New York them niggas'll tell ya I'm loco
And the plan is to put the rap game in a choke hold
I'm fully focused man, my money on my mind
I got a mill out the deal and I'm still on the grind
Now shawty said she feeling my style, she feeling my flow
Her girlfriend willin to get bi and they ready to go
Casino: This. Song. Sucks.
With that Casino's head hits the table and he's down for the count. As the song continues to play the bar patrons cheer on the fat man whose shaking his stuff.
Roberts: Think we outta go?
Cartwright: Yeah we'll throw his drunk ass in the back seat and hit a few strip clubs.
Roberts: Shotgun!
Cartwright: Check his wallet too man.
- cut to a commercial for the new NAPW D! action figure! With kung fu grip so he can...Grip stuff -
* Special thanks to Kyle & Evan for letting me abuse their characters *
Inside the small, yet quaint bar we find three members of the "Rat Pack" knocking back some cold ones. Evan Cartwright, Kyle Roberts and Chris Casino are huddled over the table going over important issues.
Casino: I'm tellin' you guys...The Predator is a genuine hermaphrodite. I swear! What man pees sitting down? The type of guy who has a....
Cartwright: Wait. How do you know he takes a piss sitting down?
Roberts and Cartwright look at the highly inebriated NAPW Champion.
Casino: Josh Reynolds told me.
Cartwright: Oh well then it must be true. Continue.
Roberts: Wait. What the Hell is a herm...Hermorpho...
Casino: It's hermaphrodite you drunk slut.
Roberts: What? I can't hear over the juke box.
Casino lets out an exasperated sigh and yells....Just as the song on the juke box ends.
Casino: (Screaming) I SAID IT'S HERMAPHORDITE!!!
Everyone in the bar turns to look at Casino. Cartwright and Roberts pretend they don't know the man sitting with them.
Casino: (To the crowd) What? Go back to drinking you damn dirty Canadians.
Roberts: Hey!
Casino: Damn sorry. I keep forgetting you're Canadian. Isn't there a pill or something you can take to change that?
Roberts: Uh no.
Casino slaps Roberts on the back.
Casino: Canadian or not, you're still my homie Cartwright.
Cartwright: Hey cracker, I'm over here. That's Kyle Roberts.
Casino: Sorry, sorry. You guys just look so much alike. Damn.
Cartwright and Roberts glance at each. It's the worried look of wondering who will get stuck taking a drunk Chris Casino back to the hotel.
Casino: What were we talking about?
Roberts: Monday Night Fights. You and Lobo face D! and Predator.
Casino: Oh yeah. D! One letter said real, real loud. (screaming) D!'S BLACK AND HE'S PROUD!
Cartwright: Damn, you can't drink worth shit cuz.
Roberts: (To Evan) Hey, uh, maybe we outta go look to see if there's anything on the juke box?
Both men quickly jump up from the table leaving Casino to his own devices.
Casino: See if they got any Dean Martin...I love that guy.
Casino takes another huge gulp of beer and as if on cue a waitress walks over and refills his mug.
Casino: D! and Predator. What a combo. Heh. Right up there with Abbott and Costello. One of them is a pathetic loser who pees sitting down and the other is, well a pathetic loser who wants my title. MY title. I already showed I can beat Predator. Hell, he's small time. But D!? Why do you want to humiliate yourself again? You weren't even man enough to shake my hand when I beat you for the title. You ran off D!. You ran away...Like a bitch.
D!, you're the past. You're what NAPW once was. A run down, about to close, nickel and dime dirty Canadian wrestling fed. I, Chris Casino, am what NAPW has now become. A ratings juggernaut with some of the greatest talent anywhere. I saved the promotion from you. You're nothing more than ratings poison. Meanwhile, everyone tunes in to see....Me. If you don't belive me, look at all the losers who were kissing your ass on your comeback. Action main event stars all the way baby. A place you'll soon be I might add.
I feel pity for you D!. You're so stuck in the past that you think that this rematch will change everything. But you're wrong. I'll beat you just like I did before. I'll retain my belt and watch as you vanish again to pout. But before that can happen, you have to team up with the dreaded one eyed weasel hunter Predator. Can the two of you co-exist? Who gives a rats ass? I sure don't. All I know is that at MNF, myself and Lobo will destroy you two morons. Lobo alone could take both of you. Little bitches.
The song "Since you've been gone" by Kelly Clarkson starts to play and Evan and Roberts return to the table.
Casino: What. Is. This?
Roberts: Sorry, I hit the wrong button on the machine.
Cartwright: (mumbles) Yeah right.
Casino: Look guys, here's how I see it. Me and Lloyd...
Roberts: Lobo.
Casino: That's what I said, me and Lloyd go to MNF and beat the stupid out of D! and Predator.
Cartwright: That's a lot of work.
Casino: Yeah but Lloyd's up to it. He hates D!.
Roberts: Don't you hate him?
Casino: He's teaming up with Predator, I feel sorry for his ass. That's like teaming up with a 10 year old kid with Sjogren's Syndrome. Oh wait...I forgot...D! hates me making fun of the mentally disabled. Yet, he's teaming with one this Monday.
Cartwright: I bet his damn momma is mentally disabled.
Roberts: I bet his mom and dad are cousins.
Casino: Anyway, at MNF me and...My partner...Will whip their asses without so much as breaking a sweat. D! said that NAPW was his house!
Roberts: What!?
Cartwright: Stupid cracker.
Casino and Roberts shoot Evan a look but he pretends not to notice.
Casino: D! might have helped build NAPW...But Chris Casino bought the bitch, cleaned it up and made it presentable. D! can suck my hairy....(pointing and shouting) YOU!!! FAT CANADIAN!!!
Everyone in the bar looks at each other unsure of who the drunk American is speaking to.
Casino: On the barstool, no not you, no you neither, YES YOU!!
A man in a red and black checkered shirt hauls his large frame off the barstool.
Casino: I'll give you $100 to do the robot.
Cartwright: (whispering to Roberts) hey man go start the car, the shit is about to break loose in here.
Dirty Canadian: Do the robot? Like the dance?
Casino: No like "Do The Robot" as in screwing your sister, YES BITCH, do the dance and I'll pay you $100, NO, $150!!!
Cartwright: (muttering) We're gonna die. (To Roberts) Hey you're Canadian, you better get us outta here in one piece or....
Dirty Canadian: Okay.
Casino: WOO HOO!!!!! Cartwright go catch a groove!
Cartwright gets up and slips some change into the juke box. The large sweaty Dirty Canadian stands in the middle of the bar. All eyes glued to him. The heavy bass hits like a baseball bat and "In Da Club" by 50 Cent starts to pump. Cartwright returns smiling.
Casino: Man...I hate rap.
Roberts: I like the Fat Boys back when they were hardcore.
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go shawty
It's your birthday
We gon' party like it's yo birthday
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday
And you know we don't give a (BLEEP)
It's not your birthday!
The fat man starts doing the robot to the delight of all. Actually he's kinda good.
[Chorus] (2x)
You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed
The Dirty Canadian rips off his shirt and gives the waitress a "Rump Shake" to her horror.
[Verse]
When I pull out up front, you see the Benz on dubs
When I roll 20 deep, it's 20 knives in the club
Niggas heard I (BLEEP) with Dre, now they wanna show me love
When you sell like Eminem, and the hoes they wanna (BLEEP)
But homie ain't nothing change, hoe's down, G's up
I see Xzibit in the cut hey nigga roll that weed up
If you watch how I move you'll mistake me for a playa or pimp
Been hit wit a few shells but I dont walk wit a limp
In the hood, in L.A. they saying "50 you hot"
They like me, I want them to love me like they love 'Pac
But holla in New York them niggas'll tell ya I'm loco
And the plan is to put the rap game in a choke hold
I'm fully focused man, my money on my mind
I got a mill out the deal and I'm still on the grind
Now shawty said she feeling my style, she feeling my flow
Her girlfriend willin to get bi and they ready to go
Casino: This. Song. Sucks.
With that Casino's head hits the table and he's down for the count. As the song continues to play the bar patrons cheer on the fat man whose shaking his stuff.
Roberts: Think we outta go?
Cartwright: Yeah we'll throw his drunk ass in the back seat and hit a few strip clubs.
Roberts: Shotgun!
Cartwright: Check his wallet too man.
- cut to a commercial for the new NAPW D! action figure! With kung fu grip so he can...Grip stuff -
* Special thanks to Kyle & Evan for letting me abuse their characters *