Post by warren on Apr 27, 2007 22:12:51 GMT -5
"Come on, Jimmy, everybody says he'll be there."
"At the Circle K. We have no way of knowing."
[Apparently the poorly-dressed reporter type in the screen is arguing with the cameraman. The report flashes an oily grin at the camera, gesturing with his microphone.]
"When have I ever led you wrong, Jimmy?"
[The camera pauses. You can almost hear the rolling of the eyes.]
"There was that time in Hong Kong, Chet..."
"What, the attack monkeys? That wasn't so bad..."
"Or that time in New York..."
"Now listen, I told you, the last time I'd been to that club it was most certainly NOT full of mustachioed men in leather bondage gear..."
"And of course, last night..."
"Who wouldn't want a tattoo saying "DOWN WHERE?" across their belly!"
"Look, Jimmy, I'm exhausted. If we don't find this kid soon, I'm going home and going to bed. Job or no job."
[Chet seems to consider replying, but thinks better of it. He rounds the corner. The camera advances on, what is it? Indeed, yes it is...
a CIRCLE K!!!
And sitting on the cold concrete in front of it, leaning up against the wall with a well-read 1980's Green Lantern comic (with Guy Gardner on the cover, bitches)... is none other than REBEL Pro's own Warren.
Chet winks back at the camera, grinning.]
"Ye of little faith, Jimmy. Ye of little faith."
====
CHET WHETTLESON: This is CHET WETTLESON reporting for REBEL Pro Wrestling, Raleigh, and I'm going to get a few words right now from the unfortunate soul --- er, privileged individual chose to referee the anticipated MONSTER vs BEAST match on May 1st between REBEL's own CALIBAN and NAPW's BRUCE "THE BEAST" RICHARDS. Warren! Warren, how terrifying is it to know you will be forced to be in the same ring with two monsters, including one who has put you through a table on each of the first two REBEL shows? Can we get your thoughts?
[Warren sputters on his Super Big Gulp at the rapid-fire clip of questions, looking at the camera and then at Chet with a look of confusion, like he just smelled something bad. Maybe Tommy Deathrow's jockstrap.]
WARREN: Dude, you can't just sneak up on a dude like that! It's totally lame, dude! You're lucky I didn't get this delicious Coca-Cola all over my comic, I mean, it's awesome, and I don't know where I'd get a new one. It's like, from the eighties man. The eighties!
CHET WHETTLESON: North Carolina wants to know, are you going to call this match down the middle after Caliban has beaten you up two weeks straight in REBEL?
WARREN: Maaaaan. Okay, you know, enough man, I'm sick of hearing about Caliban. That Iago guy already came over and tried to like, threaten me or something to make sure I call it. You know what? I'll tell you what. I am going to be the most excellent referee, dude. Caliban? The Beast? Those two major lamers are going to have to deal with the highest flying high-flying high-flier in REBEL today, dude! I'm gonna call it right down the middle because I'm not a cheater like that Caliban and I can wait until I get my rematch to get my most triumphant win.
CHET WHETTLESON: But surely you don't think you'll be able to retain order in a match? The Beast and Caliban each outweigh you by over a hundred pounds, and everybody knows Caliban can kick the snot out of you, kid. You're in over your head, don't you think?
[Oh that did it. Warren actually gets up off his butt, putting the Super Big Gulp down. He brushes unruly hair out of his eyes and gapes open-mouthed for a moment in stunned anger.]
WARREN: HEY MAN THAT'S NOT COOL! DUDE! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? EVERYBODY... everybody keeps saying "Warren dude, you're like, in over your head! Caliban's gonna kill you dude!" Well you know what dude, I'm SICK OF IT! Next week I'm going to referee and anybody wants to start some stuff, dude, I'll start some stuff right back! I don't care if it's The Beast, or Caliban, or that big smelly dude from Labyrinth, or that Jolly Green Giant Dude, dude! And you know what, I'm tired of not wrestling, so I'm making a challenge to the REBEL guys ---
PUT ME ON THAT MAY 8th CARD! I don't care what match, I want a match! And then? I WANT ON THE SUPERSHOW! I've never been to Edmonton, I mean, who knows what the Circle K's are like up there?
And if not these next couple shows, you know, I don't know when! But dude! I want a rematch with Caliban! NO DQ! NO COUNT-OUT! NO HOLDS BARRED!
CHET WHETTLESON: Warren, you idiot, all REBEL matches are no holds barred!
WARREN: Oh yeah? Well then I want Caliban in a rematch at some point, but like, with... some other kind of rules attached!
CHET WHETTLESON: Steel cage? Ladder match? BARBED WIRE ROPES?
WARREN: ...Barbed freaking wire? Dude, that'd be totally bogus! It'd cut you all up and stuff! I mean like, dude, this one time I was running from Walt Flanagan's dog, and I jumped a fence and totally cut myself up on the barbed wire on top, it was most non-triumphant. Now, Caliban likes putting me through tables so much, I don't know, maybe we should have some kind of match with tables!
CHET WHETTLESON: Like a tables match?
WARREN: How does that work?
CHET WHETTLESON: The first man to put his opponent through a table wins. So Caliban would win in, what, twenty seconds?
WARREN: Dude, what is your problem? You know what CHET WHETTLESON, why don't you make a tree, and split!
CHET WHETTLESON: Leave.
WARREN: No, you leave dude! You're totally bringing down the vibes man!
CHET WHETTLESON: No, it's make like a tree, and leave.
WARREN: So like, do it man! Get outta my face! It's down the middle this week like straight down the middle, and then after that I want Caliban in the ring, CHET.
====
[Warren scowls as Chet Whettleson and his cameraman Jimmy take off. He grabs his DELICIOUS Super Big Gulp (wait a minute, isn't it a Circle K?) from the ground and slurps thirstily.]
"Man, that dude was totally bogus, like, a mega-lamewad. Now if I can just get through a single issue today..."
[But Warren's four-color adventures are again interrupted, by a low rumbling voice coming from behind him.]
"Hello Warren."
[Warren turns around to see...
THE BEAST! BRUCE RICHARDS!]
TO BE CONTINUED
The Beast appears with permission.
"At the Circle K. We have no way of knowing."
[Apparently the poorly-dressed reporter type in the screen is arguing with the cameraman. The report flashes an oily grin at the camera, gesturing with his microphone.]
"When have I ever led you wrong, Jimmy?"
[The camera pauses. You can almost hear the rolling of the eyes.]
"There was that time in Hong Kong, Chet..."
"What, the attack monkeys? That wasn't so bad..."
"Or that time in New York..."
"Now listen, I told you, the last time I'd been to that club it was most certainly NOT full of mustachioed men in leather bondage gear..."
"And of course, last night..."
"Who wouldn't want a tattoo saying "DOWN WHERE?" across their belly!"
"Look, Jimmy, I'm exhausted. If we don't find this kid soon, I'm going home and going to bed. Job or no job."
[Chet seems to consider replying, but thinks better of it. He rounds the corner. The camera advances on, what is it? Indeed, yes it is...
a CIRCLE K!!!
And sitting on the cold concrete in front of it, leaning up against the wall with a well-read 1980's Green Lantern comic (with Guy Gardner on the cover, bitches)... is none other than REBEL Pro's own Warren.
Chet winks back at the camera, grinning.]
"Ye of little faith, Jimmy. Ye of little faith."
====
CHET WHETTLESON: This is CHET WETTLESON reporting for REBEL Pro Wrestling, Raleigh, and I'm going to get a few words right now from the unfortunate soul --- er, privileged individual chose to referee the anticipated MONSTER vs BEAST match on May 1st between REBEL's own CALIBAN and NAPW's BRUCE "THE BEAST" RICHARDS. Warren! Warren, how terrifying is it to know you will be forced to be in the same ring with two monsters, including one who has put you through a table on each of the first two REBEL shows? Can we get your thoughts?
[Warren sputters on his Super Big Gulp at the rapid-fire clip of questions, looking at the camera and then at Chet with a look of confusion, like he just smelled something bad. Maybe Tommy Deathrow's jockstrap.]
WARREN: Dude, you can't just sneak up on a dude like that! It's totally lame, dude! You're lucky I didn't get this delicious Coca-Cola all over my comic, I mean, it's awesome, and I don't know where I'd get a new one. It's like, from the eighties man. The eighties!
CHET WHETTLESON: North Carolina wants to know, are you going to call this match down the middle after Caliban has beaten you up two weeks straight in REBEL?
WARREN: Maaaaan. Okay, you know, enough man, I'm sick of hearing about Caliban. That Iago guy already came over and tried to like, threaten me or something to make sure I call it. You know what? I'll tell you what. I am going to be the most excellent referee, dude. Caliban? The Beast? Those two major lamers are going to have to deal with the highest flying high-flying high-flier in REBEL today, dude! I'm gonna call it right down the middle because I'm not a cheater like that Caliban and I can wait until I get my rematch to get my most triumphant win.
CHET WHETTLESON: But surely you don't think you'll be able to retain order in a match? The Beast and Caliban each outweigh you by over a hundred pounds, and everybody knows Caliban can kick the snot out of you, kid. You're in over your head, don't you think?
[Oh that did it. Warren actually gets up off his butt, putting the Super Big Gulp down. He brushes unruly hair out of his eyes and gapes open-mouthed for a moment in stunned anger.]
WARREN: HEY MAN THAT'S NOT COOL! DUDE! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? EVERYBODY... everybody keeps saying "Warren dude, you're like, in over your head! Caliban's gonna kill you dude!" Well you know what dude, I'm SICK OF IT! Next week I'm going to referee and anybody wants to start some stuff, dude, I'll start some stuff right back! I don't care if it's The Beast, or Caliban, or that big smelly dude from Labyrinth, or that Jolly Green Giant Dude, dude! And you know what, I'm tired of not wrestling, so I'm making a challenge to the REBEL guys ---
PUT ME ON THAT MAY 8th CARD! I don't care what match, I want a match! And then? I WANT ON THE SUPERSHOW! I've never been to Edmonton, I mean, who knows what the Circle K's are like up there?
And if not these next couple shows, you know, I don't know when! But dude! I want a rematch with Caliban! NO DQ! NO COUNT-OUT! NO HOLDS BARRED!
CHET WHETTLESON: Warren, you idiot, all REBEL matches are no holds barred!
WARREN: Oh yeah? Well then I want Caliban in a rematch at some point, but like, with... some other kind of rules attached!
CHET WHETTLESON: Steel cage? Ladder match? BARBED WIRE ROPES?
WARREN: ...Barbed freaking wire? Dude, that'd be totally bogus! It'd cut you all up and stuff! I mean like, dude, this one time I was running from Walt Flanagan's dog, and I jumped a fence and totally cut myself up on the barbed wire on top, it was most non-triumphant. Now, Caliban likes putting me through tables so much, I don't know, maybe we should have some kind of match with tables!
CHET WHETTLESON: Like a tables match?
WARREN: How does that work?
CHET WHETTLESON: The first man to put his opponent through a table wins. So Caliban would win in, what, twenty seconds?
WARREN: Dude, what is your problem? You know what CHET WHETTLESON, why don't you make a tree, and split!
CHET WHETTLESON: Leave.
WARREN: No, you leave dude! You're totally bringing down the vibes man!
CHET WHETTLESON: No, it's make like a tree, and leave.
WARREN: So like, do it man! Get outta my face! It's down the middle this week like straight down the middle, and then after that I want Caliban in the ring, CHET.
====
[Warren scowls as Chet Whettleson and his cameraman Jimmy take off. He grabs his DELICIOUS Super Big Gulp (wait a minute, isn't it a Circle K?) from the ground and slurps thirstily.]
"Man, that dude was totally bogus, like, a mega-lamewad. Now if I can just get through a single issue today..."
[But Warren's four-color adventures are again interrupted, by a low rumbling voice coming from behind him.]
"Hello Warren."
[Warren turns around to see...
THE BEAST! BRUCE RICHARDS!]
TO BE CONTINUED
The Beast appears with permission.