Post by David Banks on Apr 27, 2007 11:44:32 GMT -5
The scene opens up with a shot of a large crowded room. It can be one of two things... either this is the waiting room for the Lyndsey Valentine Gang Bang Party, or it’s David’s highly-anticipated press conference to address the steroid issue. Since there are no midgets or desperate underachievers in the room [cough] Dio [cough], you can rest assured that this press conference is mid-card free baby! There are reporters everywhere, and people barely have room to stand comfortably. there is a table situated on a mini-stage that is at the front of the room. Several microphones rest on the table, and several nameplates are also there. There is a strong sense of anticipation amongst the crowd, as they all await the arrival of The Charismatic Colossus. After a few tense minutes, a man in a business suit enters the room and approaches the table. He takes a seat in the chair behind a nameplate. The name reads, "Bob".
Bob: Ladies and gentlemen, the "LDK" Lloyd Rees couldn't make it today. He's still looking for John Salty's attacker. So without further delay, let me introduce to you, David Banks.
Ooooooh shit! Just like when Mario’s 1UP counter hits “0”, the entrance of the Charismatic Collosus symbolizes Game Over for the stars of Rebel Pro. He enters the press room, and it’s immediately time for a charismatic costume check! David comes in wearing a dark blue business suit with a black shirt underneath, and the Tag Team Championship draped over his should. It appears he hasn't shaved in a while, now spotting a bit of stubble on his face. After making his way to the table, he takes a seat behind the "David Banks" nameplate
David Banks: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for attending this press conference. First, let me thank those that made this event possible. I would like to thank Bob for being here when my tag partner couldn’t. I would also like to thank Lloyd Ress for his work on my NAPW contract aswell as my Rebel contract. I'am now one of highest paid starts of either roster. I swear that man could sell a chastity belt to Athena if he wanted to. Anyway, I would also like to thank all of the media and viewers for giving me a chance to address these allegations that have been put forth against me.
I would like to address the two charges that I am being accused of. First of all, I did not... and I repeat, did not... order an excessive amount of latex condoms. It is true that I placed an original order for 1000, and then another order for 500. But ladies and gentlemen, need I remind you that I am David frinkin' Banks? Or that I hang out with Lloyd Rees and the oddly sexy Bob? I would not call 1500 condoms excessive. I would call it the spring season. So to all of those people that thought we were using the condoms to smuggle steroids in and out of arenas, that is an outright lie. The only thing I used those condoms for was to smuggle my way into your girlfriends’ vaginas.
The camera pans, showing the shocked faces of the members of the press, and then cuts back to David.
David Banks: In addition, my name has been linked with those of Adam Copeland, Kurt Angle, Dan Ryan, and Randy Orton as being in connection with a steroid ring. Unlike those wrestlers, however, my name has not been linked to an anabolic steroid, but to a cerebral steroid... hateonall. Ladies and gentlemen if I have to convince you that I’m plenty hateful on my own, then it’s obvious you don’t know me very well at all. Ask any of the regretful bastards that thought they stood a chance with me in the ring. They’ll tell you that I’m straight hate... from head to toe, from front to back, from side to side, from balls to head. If I were anymore hateful, I would not be at this press conference. Instead, I would be punching children with cerebral palsy right now, just because I feel like it.
David chuckles at the thought of punching children. Not that he would do it or anything.
David Banks: I have not, in the past or currently, taken the cerebral steroid known as hateonall. The verbal home runs I hit knock out the park are all-natural. They come through hard work, thoughtful planning, and... well... flat out natural born talent that no one else in my business is blessed with. Trust me, I have no need to take a drug that increases my hateful mentality. The only drugs I’ve needed recently are caffeine pills, so that I can stay awake whenever Murcielago decides he wants to drop a promo. Murcielago... what a dumb name for a wrestler.
Im wondering if we need to open this for discussion. Any questions?
A mass of reporters raise their hands. Damn, you would have thought I asked, "Who here thinks Matthew Kurtis sucks"
David Banks: Alright, then let’s field a few questions. I’m ready and willing to answer all questions to the best of my knowledge. Feel free to ask any question you deem necessary. Uh, you there.
David points to an attractive female reporter
Reporter 1: David, answer me this.... why is it that you wine and dine a gal, tie her up emotionally as you tie her up to the bed, and then leave her a note the next morning addressed to, “Whom it may concern?”
The woman stands there, her hands on her waist and a glare in her eyes. David hesitate for a moment, thinking about last nights event
David Banks: Ahem. Next question..
David points out another reporter in the crowd, this one an older male. David feeling pretty safe, knowing this guy cannot bring up any of his sexual exploits. He might be able to recount tales of love with Chad Kurtis, but not the Chrismatic Collosus.
Reporter 2: As far as the purchase of condoms goes, are you sure you’re setting the right example for the youth of America? While you may be showing them that it’s best to practice safe sex, do you think you should be showing them that being promiscuous is cool?
David Banks: Being promiscuous is cool...
Bob coughs and elbows David in the shoulder
David Banks: I mean... that's definitely not the message I want to be sending out to our kids. They need to know that it is best to wait intil marriage. they should wait until they find the person of their dreams, construct the foundation of trust that goes into making a solid relationship, and then procee from there. Thats's why I've decided to abstain from sexual activities until I've found a wife. I’ve donated the unused condoms to various Planned Parenthood facilities, and the used ones to double B’s personal condom museum. Because of this new vow, I have refrained from making any condom purchases, and am proud to say that I am on the road to abstinence.
Suddenly, a UPS delivery man enters the scene. Without asking for any signature, he drops down a large box in front of our hero. The box is so large that it nearly blocks David out completely from the scene. Right there, front and center on the cardboard box... is the Trojan condom logo.
David Banks: Yeah... those are for Rees.
David clears his throat and picks out another reporter, this one is a younger male.
Reporter 3: You claim that you never used the drug hateonall, yet your friends are all under the same scrutiny as you. An enlarging of the head is consistent with steroid use, and while you don’t display any signs of that, some of your notable friends do. For instance, it’s is no secret that you are very good friends with Mr. Barry Bonds. He has had quite a few steroid accusations presented about him. You also have another friend, who is here in attendance as a matter of fact. The size of his head would lead one to think he is involved in steroid use as well.
The camera then pans over to one of Davids best friends... the Burger King. He stares directly at the reporter that just made the comment, never changing his facial expression. After a few tense moments, the King brings his index and middle fingers to his eyes, and then points them in the direction of the reporter... as if saying, “I’ve got my eyes on you.” Don’t (BLEEP) with the King, bitch.
David Banks: Next.
This time Bob picks someone.
Reporter 4: Do you have any proof that you have never used hateonall? You’re expecting us to trust you based on your word, but your word has never exactly been trustworthy.
David Banks: Sir, I can guarantee you that I have never, and will never take...
Reporter 4: How can we be certa-
David slams his fist on the table
David Banks: BECAUSE I DON’T NEED THEM!
As David stares out into the crowd of reporters, a silence comes over the room. He look and there, on the table, is a bottle of pills that fell out of his jacket pocket. It’s a prescription bottle full of hateonall. Cameras flash all over the room, taking in this historical moment. Bob simply shake his head and let out a sigh.
Reporter 4: TELL US THE TRUTH!
David Banks: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Well, maybe you can... okay... here goes. I really haven’t taken the cerebral drug hateonall. Truth be told, these drugs aren’t for me... they are for the rest of the Rebel Pro Wrestling roster. You want to know why? Because when it comes down to it, there is simply no one in this federation that is as hateful as I am. I have no competition, and I want some. Murcielago, Brian Bruno, Chad Kurtis? These men aren’t competition... they’re walking billboards for the promotion of abortions. That’s why I bought the drugs, so that I could slip them to the other members of the roster, and then maybe I wouldn’t be the only one dropping hatefully entertaining promos in this company.
The female reporter that started the line of questioning comes forward.
Reporter 1: Well, just how hateful are you?
Oh shit. That was the wronggggg frinkin' question to ask, lady. Wrong frinkin' question.
David Banks: Hate isn’t just a word, it’s a damn lifestyle. The life style love to live. I can't stop hating. For some reason I alway feel the need the spread verbal hate to the closest person to me. I spread hate like a spread legs. And when I spread legs, you know somebody is about to get fu*ked.
Murcielago...ha! You had to be on mad crack to call yourself something so stupid. Speaking of drugs, I bet you love Ls right? Well, If you love Ls so much, I’ll be happy to provide you with a lifetime supply... right in your loss column. No "W" for you sir. All it takes is one loss to the charismatic Collosus to last you that long, because after I verbally annihilate your punk ass, your life will be like an entertaining Dio Muerte promo and cease to exist.
People who attempt to cleanse the world never end up well? Ha, when tuesday comes rolling in, I'm cleansing the wrestling world of lowly mid-carder starting with you, trick.
Bob: We're almost outta of time, sir.
David Banks: No problem, but I still have a gift for ole Bat-sh*t.
David tosses a couple pills of hateonall towards the camera
David Banks: Take two of these and call me in the morning...
FADEEE OUT!... suckah.
((OOC: Gah damn spell check!!))
Bob: Ladies and gentlemen, the "LDK" Lloyd Rees couldn't make it today. He's still looking for John Salty's attacker. So without further delay, let me introduce to you, David Banks.
Ooooooh shit! Just like when Mario’s 1UP counter hits “0”, the entrance of the Charismatic Collosus symbolizes Game Over for the stars of Rebel Pro. He enters the press room, and it’s immediately time for a charismatic costume check! David comes in wearing a dark blue business suit with a black shirt underneath, and the Tag Team Championship draped over his should. It appears he hasn't shaved in a while, now spotting a bit of stubble on his face. After making his way to the table, he takes a seat behind the "David Banks" nameplate
David Banks: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for attending this press conference. First, let me thank those that made this event possible. I would like to thank Bob for being here when my tag partner couldn’t. I would also like to thank Lloyd Ress for his work on my NAPW contract aswell as my Rebel contract. I'am now one of highest paid starts of either roster. I swear that man could sell a chastity belt to Athena if he wanted to. Anyway, I would also like to thank all of the media and viewers for giving me a chance to address these allegations that have been put forth against me.
I would like to address the two charges that I am being accused of. First of all, I did not... and I repeat, did not... order an excessive amount of latex condoms. It is true that I placed an original order for 1000, and then another order for 500. But ladies and gentlemen, need I remind you that I am David frinkin' Banks? Or that I hang out with Lloyd Rees and the oddly sexy Bob? I would not call 1500 condoms excessive. I would call it the spring season. So to all of those people that thought we were using the condoms to smuggle steroids in and out of arenas, that is an outright lie. The only thing I used those condoms for was to smuggle my way into your girlfriends’ vaginas.
The camera pans, showing the shocked faces of the members of the press, and then cuts back to David.
David Banks: In addition, my name has been linked with those of Adam Copeland, Kurt Angle, Dan Ryan, and Randy Orton as being in connection with a steroid ring. Unlike those wrestlers, however, my name has not been linked to an anabolic steroid, but to a cerebral steroid... hateonall. Ladies and gentlemen if I have to convince you that I’m plenty hateful on my own, then it’s obvious you don’t know me very well at all. Ask any of the regretful bastards that thought they stood a chance with me in the ring. They’ll tell you that I’m straight hate... from head to toe, from front to back, from side to side, from balls to head. If I were anymore hateful, I would not be at this press conference. Instead, I would be punching children with cerebral palsy right now, just because I feel like it.
David chuckles at the thought of punching children. Not that he would do it or anything.
David Banks: I have not, in the past or currently, taken the cerebral steroid known as hateonall. The verbal home runs I hit knock out the park are all-natural. They come through hard work, thoughtful planning, and... well... flat out natural born talent that no one else in my business is blessed with. Trust me, I have no need to take a drug that increases my hateful mentality. The only drugs I’ve needed recently are caffeine pills, so that I can stay awake whenever Murcielago decides he wants to drop a promo. Murcielago... what a dumb name for a wrestler.
Im wondering if we need to open this for discussion. Any questions?
A mass of reporters raise their hands. Damn, you would have thought I asked, "Who here thinks Matthew Kurtis sucks"
David Banks: Alright, then let’s field a few questions. I’m ready and willing to answer all questions to the best of my knowledge. Feel free to ask any question you deem necessary. Uh, you there.
David points to an attractive female reporter
Reporter 1: David, answer me this.... why is it that you wine and dine a gal, tie her up emotionally as you tie her up to the bed, and then leave her a note the next morning addressed to, “Whom it may concern?”
The woman stands there, her hands on her waist and a glare in her eyes. David hesitate for a moment, thinking about last nights event
David Banks: Ahem. Next question..
David points out another reporter in the crowd, this one an older male. David feeling pretty safe, knowing this guy cannot bring up any of his sexual exploits. He might be able to recount tales of love with Chad Kurtis, but not the Chrismatic Collosus.
Reporter 2: As far as the purchase of condoms goes, are you sure you’re setting the right example for the youth of America? While you may be showing them that it’s best to practice safe sex, do you think you should be showing them that being promiscuous is cool?
David Banks: Being promiscuous is cool...
Bob coughs and elbows David in the shoulder
David Banks: I mean... that's definitely not the message I want to be sending out to our kids. They need to know that it is best to wait intil marriage. they should wait until they find the person of their dreams, construct the foundation of trust that goes into making a solid relationship, and then procee from there. Thats's why I've decided to abstain from sexual activities until I've found a wife. I’ve donated the unused condoms to various Planned Parenthood facilities, and the used ones to double B’s personal condom museum. Because of this new vow, I have refrained from making any condom purchases, and am proud to say that I am on the road to abstinence.
Suddenly, a UPS delivery man enters the scene. Without asking for any signature, he drops down a large box in front of our hero. The box is so large that it nearly blocks David out completely from the scene. Right there, front and center on the cardboard box... is the Trojan condom logo.
David Banks: Yeah... those are for Rees.
David clears his throat and picks out another reporter, this one is a younger male.
Reporter 3: You claim that you never used the drug hateonall, yet your friends are all under the same scrutiny as you. An enlarging of the head is consistent with steroid use, and while you don’t display any signs of that, some of your notable friends do. For instance, it’s is no secret that you are very good friends with Mr. Barry Bonds. He has had quite a few steroid accusations presented about him. You also have another friend, who is here in attendance as a matter of fact. The size of his head would lead one to think he is involved in steroid use as well.
The camera then pans over to one of Davids best friends... the Burger King. He stares directly at the reporter that just made the comment, never changing his facial expression. After a few tense moments, the King brings his index and middle fingers to his eyes, and then points them in the direction of the reporter... as if saying, “I’ve got my eyes on you.” Don’t (BLEEP) with the King, bitch.
David Banks: Next.
This time Bob picks someone.
Reporter 4: Do you have any proof that you have never used hateonall? You’re expecting us to trust you based on your word, but your word has never exactly been trustworthy.
David Banks: Sir, I can guarantee you that I have never, and will never take...
Reporter 4: How can we be certa-
David slams his fist on the table
David Banks: BECAUSE I DON’T NEED THEM!
As David stares out into the crowd of reporters, a silence comes over the room. He look and there, on the table, is a bottle of pills that fell out of his jacket pocket. It’s a prescription bottle full of hateonall. Cameras flash all over the room, taking in this historical moment. Bob simply shake his head and let out a sigh.
Reporter 4: TELL US THE TRUTH!
David Banks: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Well, maybe you can... okay... here goes. I really haven’t taken the cerebral drug hateonall. Truth be told, these drugs aren’t for me... they are for the rest of the Rebel Pro Wrestling roster. You want to know why? Because when it comes down to it, there is simply no one in this federation that is as hateful as I am. I have no competition, and I want some. Murcielago, Brian Bruno, Chad Kurtis? These men aren’t competition... they’re walking billboards for the promotion of abortions. That’s why I bought the drugs, so that I could slip them to the other members of the roster, and then maybe I wouldn’t be the only one dropping hatefully entertaining promos in this company.
The female reporter that started the line of questioning comes forward.
Reporter 1: Well, just how hateful are you?
Oh shit. That was the wronggggg frinkin' question to ask, lady. Wrong frinkin' question.
David Banks: Hate isn’t just a word, it’s a damn lifestyle. The life style love to live. I can't stop hating. For some reason I alway feel the need the spread verbal hate to the closest person to me. I spread hate like a spread legs. And when I spread legs, you know somebody is about to get fu*ked.
Murcielago...ha! You had to be on mad crack to call yourself something so stupid. Speaking of drugs, I bet you love Ls right? Well, If you love Ls so much, I’ll be happy to provide you with a lifetime supply... right in your loss column. No "W" for you sir. All it takes is one loss to the charismatic Collosus to last you that long, because after I verbally annihilate your punk ass, your life will be like an entertaining Dio Muerte promo and cease to exist.
People who attempt to cleanse the world never end up well? Ha, when tuesday comes rolling in, I'm cleansing the wrestling world of lowly mid-carder starting with you, trick.
Bob: We're almost outta of time, sir.
David Banks: No problem, but I still have a gift for ole Bat-sh*t.
David tosses a couple pills of hateonall towards the camera
David Banks: Take two of these and call me in the morning...
FADEEE OUT!... suckah.
((OOC: Gah damn spell check!!))
