An epiphany

[Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL]]

April 10, 2007

(Backstage, after Golden Opportunities. Kyle Roberts is in his dressing room, fuming. His legal counsel, Ryan Kingston, is trying to placate his client.)

KYLE ROBERTS: I'm not going to flip out. I'm not going to flip out.

RYAN KINGSTON: Well, at least it wasn't a loss.

KYLE ROBERTS: (snapping) It wasn't a WIN, Ryan! If I was going into the future with a (BLEEP)ing title shot, then it would have been a success! But no! Deathrow pins Rees in the middle of the ring while Ravager and I are brawling outside the ring! God, why the (BLEEP) didn't head office tell me it was a one pinfall situation?

RYAN KINGSTON: You weren't aware?

KYLE ROBERTS: THINK, Ryan! If I knew that it wasn't an elimination match, do you REALLY think I wouldn't have stopped Rees' getting pinned?

RYAN KINGSTON: It WAS Ravager that you were fighting with. Would anything have stopped you from trying to destroy him?

KYLE ROBERTS: My hate for Bob Ravager is definitely trumped by my craving of the big belt.

RYAN KINGSTON: Sure, you say that NOW...

VOICE: (from outside the open door) So it's not enough that next week, I've got to face Chris Casino--

KYLE ROBERTS: (turning his head in the direction of the noise) Eh?

VOICE: But now I've got a chance at the new TEAM belt.

(Kyle pokes his head out to door, to see the retreating back of Ravager, alongside Celtic Assassin Al Thoes.)

AL THOES: Aye, the TEAM Challenge Championship? That'd be quite the bonny feather in your cap, Ravager!

RAVAGER: It certainly would be. Nothing could keep me away from that steel cage match.

(Kyle closes his door, and smirks.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Nothing could keep him away? Ryan, where's the next TEAM Supershow taking place?

(Ryan flips through a REBEL daytimer on Kyle's dresser.)

RYAN KINGSTON: Sunday, April 22. Las Vegas. A place called (Ryan looks up quizzically) Yorilove.com Palace of Dildos Casino and Hotel?

KYLE ROBERTS: God, that guy just ruins the business for everybody, doesn't he? Well, Ravager-- (Kyle chuckles and grins evilly) --I think it's time for a little tit for tat. You prevent me from getting my hands around the REBEL Heavyweight Title? You'd best watch your ass in Vegas. Because there's no way in hell you're making that match. (Kyle turns around) Ryan, get me a plane ticket for Sin City! (Kyle enters the adjoining bathroom, laughing.)

RYAN KINGSTON: He flipped out.

* * *

April 25, 2007

(Edmonton, Alberta. The apartment of Stylin' Kyle Roberts. Boxes, boxes, everywhere boxes! Kyle comes out of the bedroom, arms full of clothes.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Oh, what's this? Yes, looks aren't deceiving, I'm actually moving away from Edmonton. Why? One, because I'm no longer taking part in the cluster(BLEEP) that is NAPW, I'm REBEL tried and true. You think I'd let the man who holds the REBEL Heavyweight title be my boss? Not if I've made it my quest to get the big belt in Raleigh. Right now, I need to be at the heart of my new fed, I can't be distracted by things as stupid as my Edmonton condo. I'll be subletting that out, because there's no WAY I'm leaving the lucrative Edmonton real estate market. The price of this place has already doubled since I bought it last year. No, I'm riding this housing bubble the entire way while living in my much better place down South. I'll be living in Raleigh full-time from now on.

I've had time to think over the past two weeks. And I've come to one interesting conclusion. I've been in REBEL since the beginning. Two shows, two huge matches. Two losses. Or, at least, one loss, one huge non-win. And after the LAST match, I had some REBEL higher-ups tell me that I'd better shape up and win or else my ginormous salary will be drastically cut.

Does the other talent get treated this way? No. Are they threatened by the brass because they're in the midst of a rough patch? No. Are they not told about the rules of a four-way match? No.

Are they Canadian? No, sir, they are not.

I have come to the startling conclusion that non-Americans are getting a raw deal in REBEL. Who's the REBEL Heavyweight champ? North Carolina's own Rex Caliber. Who's getting a title shot? Tommy Deathrow, who hails from Minnesota. And then I started noticing some non-Kyle Roberts trends too. The Celtic Assassins, all the way from Great Britain! They lost to the Foundation, who, while they are from Quebec and Zamunda originally, have been living in the States making names for themselves before hitting Alberta.

Billy Kryenik? Lost to MackaBEE in the first show! Rees? Pinned by Deathrow!

What about this week's ladder match to determine a contender to the Carolinas belt? Not a single non-American in the bunch! Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like I was approached to be a part of such a match. I mean, I'm only undefeated in ladder matches in my NAPW career. But let's face it, while I WOULD take that Carolinas belt in a second, I'd be constantly going for the big belt, the only belt REALLY worth having. It'd be like dating Kirsten Dunst, only to realize that her roommate's Jessica Alba. The girl you're with is no slouch, but she's rooming with (BLEEP)ING JESSICA ALBA!

That being said, there's nothing wrong with having your cake and eating it too. I'd have a run with both belts, but you think that's going to happen with the political climate that I've just uncovered? Hells no!

So instead, they're giving me a breather match. No pressure, just one on one with one of the bigger men in REBEL. No stakes for me, other than getting an easy win. It couldn't have been Ravager, the man that screwed me out of my rightful place in the main event this week, no! The Irish arse O'Brady!

Well, fine, REBEL, you want to see why you're paying me the big bucks? I'll show you! Just know that there's no way I'm renouncing my Canadian heritage, because there's no way I'm becoming one of the unwashed masses in your shitty-ass melting pot. I'm staying away from that foul shit fondue, and I'm keeping my healthcare, my flat Saskatchewan accent, and my non-ignorant ways! Just because I have to play by your (BLEEP)ing unfair rules, I'm not going to fill your cookie cutter mold of garbage wrestlers shitting all over the sport that I love!

I am Stylin' Kyle Roberts! I'm better than you Carolina rednecks could ever be, and I'm your (BLEEP)ing wrestling saviour! After I beat Bobby O'Brady in that ring, I expect there to be a change of heart in the way you reptiles do business. Just because Rick Garrett got his fortune in strip clubs doesn't mean I'm REBEL's whore. I'll show everyone why I'm deserving of my salary and I'll show everyone why I'm deserving of REBEL's Heavyweight title! I'll live up my part of the bargain if you live up yours.

And Bobby O'Brady? I'm sorry that you had to be caught up in all of this. There's no way you should have been used as a pawn in the chess game that REBEL wants to start with me. But let it be known that even though you're not a dirty American, you'll be treated as my own personal ragdoll. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. And you'll fall. I don't care if it's to the Polarizer, the Emerald Fusion, the Bear-Tamer, whatever I decide to do to you in that ring is fair game. It's all about sending a message to our masters.

And the message is that Kyle Roberts will be the next REBEL Champion, no matter what the crowd thinks. It's just a matter of time before I show everyone what style is all about.

(Kyle gets back to his packing as we fade to black.)

Ravager and Al Thoes used with permission.