Lows and Highs

[Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL]]

(The night of In The Beginning. After the show's all said and done, a cameraman runs towards a door. We stop to find that it's the locker room of one Stylin' Kyle Roberts, and there's plenty of shouted profanities, crashes and bangs coming from behind that door. An arm reaches from behind the camera and opens the door, and the camera POV follows into the locker room, just barely getting missed by a flying chair.)

KYLE ROBERTS: (BLEEP)! I can't believe that (BLEEP)ing happened!

(Kyle kicks over a garbage can.)

KYLE ROBERTS: (BLEEP) idiot fans!

(He flips over a bench.)

KYLE ROBERTS: I'm their (BLEEP)ing SAVIOUR! I was brought into this (BLEEP)ing company to give it some (BLEEP)ing LEGITIMACY! And the asshats have the gall to BOO me? (Another bench goes flying.) I put on the match they were DESTINED to view! I tore the (BLEEP)ing ROOF off, and Rex Caliber is going into that heavyweight title match?

(A chair comes hurtling at the camera once again. God, if only this promo was brought to you in glorious 3-D! The camera is nudged as Ryan Kingston, Kyle's legal counsel, runs into the dressing room.)

RYAN KINGSTON: Kyle, what the hell are you doing?

(Kyle gets into Ryan's face, spittle flying as he shouts.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Where the (BLEEP) were YOU? I got Totally Annihilated by Rex Caliber, and you're nowhere to be seen? What the hell am I paying you for?

RYAN KINGSTON: The flight departed late. That rogue snowstorm in Edmonton completely delayed me!

KYLE ROBERTS: I was at the airport for three hours, Ryan! I finally gave up because I had to get to the Civic Centre for my match! A match that I lost! How the (BLEEP) am I going to be the first-ever REBEL champion if I'm not even in the (BLEEP)ing title match?

RYAN KINGSTON: Calm down. Worse things have happened.

KYLE ROBERTS: It's Brian Bruno versus MackaBEE versus Rex Caliber! A fugitive from Canadian law, some fourth-rate version of me, and the OWNER of NAPW! I don't see how things can get any worse! None of those three are worthy champions of REBEL! I should have been there! ME!

(The camera gets nudged again as Jenny Jersey runs into the room. She's still wearing her REBEL baby doll and tight ripped jeans. Kyle is slightly mollified as she shoves a microphone into his face.)

JENNY JERSEY: (looking into the camera) Jenny Jersey reporting for REBEL-PRO.com mere minutes after the end of REBEL's first-ever card! Kyle Roberts, how do you feel about your loss?

KYLE ROBERTS: Well, Jenny, maybe we should talk about that AFTER I have some time to calm down. (He leers.) Maybe you can help me get calm. Or at least sweaty and tired enough. I tell you, I've got some aggression to take out, and I might as well do it in a productive way. Like pages thirty-five through sixty-eight of the Kama Sutra.

JENNY JERSEY: Not with you.

KYLE ROBERTS: Hey, come on! I can be a gentleman! Notice how I so skillfully avoided the tired old "sixty-nine" joke?

JENNY JERSEY: Maybe you're not ready to talk about losing to the One Man Crime Spree, but how do you feel about the match you'll be in next week?

KYLE ROBERTS: Unless it's the three-way title match, I couldn't give a flying (BLEEP) about whatever match I'm in! I'm supposed to be the (BLEEP)ing FUTURE of this company! Who have the powers-that-be decided to throw me up against? The handi-capable Cataclysm? The stoned slacker Warren? Tell me, Jenny, I'm all ears!

JENNY JERSEY: You'll be facing three other men for a guaranteed shot at the REBEL Heavyweight Title.

KYLE ROBERTS: (smiles) That's a bit more like it. Who are the lameasses I'll be destroying?

JENNY JERSEY: Well, one of them's one of the NAPW Tag Team Champions: The Superstar Tommy Deathrow.

(Kyle gets a pained look on his face.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Ah, god, I thought I was supposed to WRESTLE, not hurl garbage can lids at my opponent.

JENNY JERSEY: There's also NAPW's Provincial champion, LDK Lloyd Rees.

(Kyle massages his brow with his hand.)

KYLE ROBERTS: God, now I have to scout out the stupid Newfie?

JENNY JERSEY: And finally, the NAPW Champion himself, Ravager.

(Kyle's jaw drops. He looks at Kingston, speechless. After a few seconds, he finally manages to stammer a thought to his interviewer.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Y-You've got to be kidding me. You ARE kidding me, right, Jenny?

(Jenny shakes her head.)

KYLE ROBERTS: So you're meaning to tell me that I'm facing three current NAPW champs? For a shot at whoever wins that Heavyweight Title? (Kyle's eyes glimmer, as he thinks about his situation.) You know what? I say bring 'em on! If they want a chance at the big belt here in REBEL, they're going to have to go through me. It looks like I'm not going to be the first REBEL champion, but I'm sure as (BLEEP) going to be the best REBEL champion. I've pinned every one of those chumps in NAPW, and I'm going to send each of them back to Edmonton with their tails between their legs here in REBEL. Maybe then those redneck inbred fans will realize that like me or not, I'm doing what's best for them. And that's best for them is keeping the REBEL Heavyweight Championship in REBEL, not NAPW. It's bad enough that the NAPW owner was able to rile the fans enough to cry out for my blood. All that proved to me is how badly the North Carolina populace needs a saviour. A hero. A man strong enough to rule.

That man? He's me. Stylin' Kyle Roberts. I'd say anyone strong enough to face three men such as Rees, Ravager and Deathrow and conquer them all will certainly be strong enough to wrench the title away from lesser men like Caliber, Bruno or MackaBitch. So come down to Raleigh for your first ever REBEL match, bitches! Kyle Roberts is smarter than the lot of you, and Kyle Roberts will end up having his arm raised in that ring.

Get used to it, Raleigh. Once I get that Heavyweight Title, it's never coming off from around my waist. You deserve a champion like me. And I deserve that REBEL gold.

I am Kyle Roberts. And I will be your future, FINAL REBEL champion.

(Kyle Roberts finally finds a reason to smile on Tuesday night as we fade to black.)