Chicken and Biscuits

[Sexy Rexy [REBEL]]

(The office of Rex Caliber, is the location for this scene. He sits, drinks and watches cartoons on a big screen television as Angela handles his business. No not that business... his appearances.)

REX: The great thing about Tom and Jerry is the fact that it symbolizes real life.

(Angela made a mistake by opening up this can of worms, with her next question.)

ANGELA: How so?

REX: You don’t see it? (Rex looks at her like she is a simpleton) Jerry is the prey, but knows it... He is totally understanding that Tom wants to kill him and eat him for lunch, brunch and dinner. Jerry outsmarts Tom, who is easily distracted, and though very cocky... isn’t as smart as he thinks. So in this instance Tom is Kyle, and I’m Jerry. I’ll get the last laugh, and ultimately win this match.

ANGELA: (looking confused, a look she will wear often talking to Rex) So you are comparing no holds barred wrestling to a cartoon?

REX: No... to THIS cartoon. Kyle believes he is so much smarter than everyone, but he has really done squat in the ring with out a partner. How many title belts he won? A bunch. Now minus the tag belts and you get....ZERO! Now Bruce won Battlebowl, has a title match upcoming in NAPW... so that means that Bruce basically carried that team. I likewise carried him when we tagged. Bruce and I both took turns carrying him when we did the six man deal. The only smart thing Kyle has ever done was pick good damn tag partners.

ANGELA: Are you taking him lightly?

REX: (BLEEP) NO! I don’t take anyone lightly. Anyone who dismisses an opponent, is likely to get beat by said opponent. I just call a spade a spade. Kyle is a great tag wrestler, but he don’t have the singles game down. Not yet... not enough to beat me. I’m versatile, a man with skills coming from every pore in my damn sexy body.

ANGELA: What is your record in wrestling?

REX: Singles I’m like a whole shitload of wins, to like and a couple of losses.

ANGELA: A couple?

REX: Well... (looking embarrassed) I think I lost like six in NAPW. To all great men.

ANGELA: Like who?

REX: Does that matter?

ANGELA: I don’t know wrestling well, I’m trying to learn who is good enough to beat you.

REX: I lost to Devastation, who was like a mutant, and tough as nails. Son of a bitch had to attack me at my home to get me hurt enough to beat me though. I lost to Tommy Deathrow when Ravager attacked me.. I got beat by Ravager while handcuffed. Rees made me tap in my retirement match, can’t take anything away from him. I got beat by Static who was the most hardcore luchadore ever... he had to have my assistant attacked and my kid kidnapped, to beat me.

(Looking scared, Angela stares at Rex.)

REX: Don’t worry, you won’t be in the arenas so no worry about getting hurt.

ANGELA: (looks relieved then counts on her hand.)

ANGELA: Who was the other loss?

REX: Pardon?

ANGELA: You said six guys, you named five.

REX: Oh... for the television title, this steroid filled freak... he beat me, with help from my manager who hit me with a chair on accident. Name was (mumbles)

ANGELA: Who?

REX: CRUSHER! (BLEEP)it why must we live in the (BLEEP)ing past around here.

(Angela looks scared again, and pours a shot for herself.)

REX: Anyway, any luck with the appearances?

ANGELA: (trying to grasp the mood changes in Rex) Yeah... you have a ribbon cutting at a Bojangle’s Restaurant in Union, South Carolina.

REX: They got some good biscuits there. How much the gig paying?

ANGELA: Like a hundred and gas.

REX: That it? Rex Caliber don’t get out of his chair for less than two fifty!

ANGELA: Sorry to bust your balloon, but that’s the best I could get you.

REX: The best? No strip clubs... bars...

ANGELA: Nope. You need to leave soon, it’s about an hour or so drive.

(Rex gulps one last shot, then gets dressed. Him and Angela get back in the limo, as they drive to Union.)


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(In the limo, post appearance, Rex and Angela discuss more details of Rex’s life.)

REX: I can’t believe they wouldn’t part with any chicken. They serve famous chicken and biscuits... And they charged me.

ANGELA: Thanks for the food.

REX: It’s on you next time.

ANGELA: So you mentioned earlier a son... where is he now?

REX: He sort of got taken away from me.

ANGELA: Why?

REX: A New Years Eve party in Edmonton, that kind of ended with me being intoxicated with my pants off in the middle of Whyte Avenue.

ANGELA: Oh my God!? Who is he with?

REX: My parents and his late mother’s parents have an arrangement.

ANGELA: Do you get to see him?

REX: No.

ANGELA: How do you feel about that?

REX: (Rex looks upset) Why we discussing this? I have a huge match and I have a lot of other things on my mind.

ANGELA: Well your next appearance is tomorrow, at a Cracker Barrel. It’s a little old ladies birthday.

REX: What? An old woman’s birthday party is my appearance? What’s it pay?

ANGELA: Like a thousand if you do a lap dance for her. I told them it was highly unlikely that you would do...

REX: Full nude or a thong?

ANGELA: Are you really considering doing this?

REX: A thousand bucks for a meet and greet, with a small lap dance... I’d done it for less. That’s easy money. Where does the dance take place? I don't think the Cracker Barrel will allow it in there. I'll suggest the limo.

(The scene cuts to them arriving back at the office later on.)

REX: And that’s why the ladies call me the Big Rex.

ANGELA: Oh.

REX: Happy hour is soon, but first I’m going to go up and check out any messages.

(Cut scene to Rex at his computer watching the latest Kyle Robert’s stuff.)

REX: Tell me I didn’t just see that! Tell me he didn’t just do that!

(Rex closes his laptop.)

REX: Trying to give yourself an out, eh Roberts? You did that little staged thing with the “promoter” to give the fans something to think about. You want these fans to believe that you laid down to Bruce Richards. When you lose to me you want people to believe that you were told too. Well the fact is, and the smart marks know it, wrestling has never been staged. The mere fact that I’m explaining this is downright stupid. But for the fans out there... Kyle Roberts didn’t lose to some old guy because he was told too... he got beat because he is not a good singles wrestler. He is pathetic and has no direction now. His bitch is gone, and Bruce isn’t holding baby Kyle’s hand. Kyle for the fact that you would try to run a scam like this... you are getting an even quicker ass kicking. To be frank, you pissed me off . I hate being frank because that name doesn’t rhyme well with sex. So Kyle, stop the bullshit and just bring some real fight to the One Man Crimes Spree door. You won’t have four other guys in the ring with you to distract me, like the ladder match. No one in your corner to tag, just a one on one match, where you get pinned.

One...

Two...

Three.

Now if you don’t mind I have a happy hour to go too.

(Fade to an advertisement for the brand new “Rex for Prez” T-shirt.)