Post by warren on Mar 29, 2007 20:38:02 GMT -5
[Inside the eponymous Circle "K" the camera finds Warren reading the latest issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly. Or IS HE? As we can see, Warren has hidden the latest Maxim inside the cover,]
"Whoa."
[The clerk looks out over Warren with folder arms from behind the counter, clearly having enough of this.]
"Mr Warren! This is not a lending library!"
"Whoa Hajima, alright man, I get it. Yeesh dude, can't a guy just check it out."
[Warren shuffles the magazines back sheepishly, then turns around and notices the camera. He breaks out into a big goofy grin.]
"Oh hi, I didn't see you there! Well cameradude, I guess you're here to talk about the most excellent show coming to Raleigh next tuesday night, where all sorts of bad dudes'll be wrestling. I mean you've got Rex Caliber, Stylin' Kyle Roberts, Billy Kryenik, Team Kurtis...
And me! Warren! Excellent!"
[Warren gives a double thumbs-up to the camera and starts walking through the store. He stops at the beverage case and pulls out a tasty cherry coke.]
"Now I know that a lot of wrestling fans watched NAPW Sole Survivor a few nights ago. Dude, it was totally awesome to be wrestling in front of all those fans up in Canada! And I mean dude, talk about a surprise. You know when Rex Caliber told me to come up to the show, I was like, but dude, that's a long way to drive for an emergency replacement. But Rex Caliber, you know what he told me? He said "Dammit Warren, in Canada, they have sweetened ice tea in the bottle in 7-11. And Aero chocolate bars. You never had an Aero? It's milk chocolately bubbles. You'd love it." And I was like, "dude! I gotta try those out!" And there I was, in Toronto backstage just like, getting autographs and stuff from all these awesome grapplers, and then I get tapped on the shoulder.
Warren dude, you're in! Go rock it!"
[Walk walk to the random pastry treat rack. Warren starts rifling through the various Hostess and other junk.]
"But you know what, I'm mad about something. It ain't all Sweetened Iced Tea and Aero Bars up in Toronto. I go into the match, and Tommy Deathrow, that bastard DDTs me for no good reason. I was tryin' to help the dude out, and he goes and just --- buhnn! DDTs me! I mean dude, that's most untriumphant indeed.
But you know what really sucks the big one? That dude Caliban coming in and throwing me into the fourth row. I mean dude, if I wanted to be in the fourth row I woulda bought a ticket. I mean --- I mean! Dude! I mean dude! Come on man, we're REBEL wrestlers going at it, it wasn't time to get it on. OOOH the big monster Caliban, he's going to eat me after I go to bed, with his crazy dreadlocks and, you know, stuff. He thinks he's so damn tough, I mean, nobody's that tough.
So that's why I went to the guys who run REBEL and I said "I want Caliban in the ring on the first show!" And then I guess like, I must have had some crud stuck in my teeth like cheeto gunk or whatever because they all started laughing, but you know, that's cool, I should make sure I'm spic and span before I go running my business. But hey check it out, April 3rd: Caliban vs Warren in a totally righteous match on REBEL's first show.
[Warren makes his decision. Twinkie, King don. Twinkie, King don. Twinkie, King Don, TWINKIE WINS.]
"So you got this guy Ringmaster Iago who thinks I'm just some stupid kid, talking about me like I'm waaaaay out of my league or in over my head or whatever against "the monster Caliban." And some chick, I dunno, she's like from a comic book or something, but it doesn't matter who comes to the ring. You know, Caliban, you got all the strength and size and you're all tough and big, you know, but you only got those four things. Size, uh, bigness, toughness and... strengthness. Me, I got speed! I got flyin' ability! I got sweet moves, and wicked music, and like, a totally gnarly finishing move. I mean I'm not coming into get beat up and beaten in my first real wrestling match ever, man.
You know what I got also?"
[Warren breaks out into giggles, then nods at the camera enthusiastically.]
"On top of all my other sweet moves and skills, I got a secret weapon that's going to guarantee I got the win in the bag, man. What's that? You know wanna know what it is?"
[The POV shakes up and down as the cameraman apparently nods.]
"Ohhhh no man, it's gonna stay a secret. But let's just say that villains throughout history, none of them have proven stronger than my secret weapon. April 3rd I'm totally going to pin Caliban in a most triumphant first ever-win in REBEL Pro Wrestling. I mean dude, it's me! Warren! Excellent!"
[Warren takes a big bite of his twinkie. The clerk loses all patience.]
"MR. WARREN! YOU ARE HAVING TO PAY FOR THAT TWINKIE BEFORE YOU EAT IT! I DEMAND YOU PAY FOR IT RIGHT NOW!"
[Warren gulps, choking on his twinkie in surprise. The clerk continues to harangue him as the cameraman reaches out to slap Warren on the back. kaff kaff!]
"Whoa."
[The clerk looks out over Warren with folder arms from behind the counter, clearly having enough of this.]
"Mr Warren! This is not a lending library!"
"Whoa Hajima, alright man, I get it. Yeesh dude, can't a guy just check it out."
[Warren shuffles the magazines back sheepishly, then turns around and notices the camera. He breaks out into a big goofy grin.]
"Oh hi, I didn't see you there! Well cameradude, I guess you're here to talk about the most excellent show coming to Raleigh next tuesday night, where all sorts of bad dudes'll be wrestling. I mean you've got Rex Caliber, Stylin' Kyle Roberts, Billy Kryenik, Team Kurtis...
And me! Warren! Excellent!"
[Warren gives a double thumbs-up to the camera and starts walking through the store. He stops at the beverage case and pulls out a tasty cherry coke.]
"Now I know that a lot of wrestling fans watched NAPW Sole Survivor a few nights ago. Dude, it was totally awesome to be wrestling in front of all those fans up in Canada! And I mean dude, talk about a surprise. You know when Rex Caliber told me to come up to the show, I was like, but dude, that's a long way to drive for an emergency replacement. But Rex Caliber, you know what he told me? He said "Dammit Warren, in Canada, they have sweetened ice tea in the bottle in 7-11. And Aero chocolate bars. You never had an Aero? It's milk chocolately bubbles. You'd love it." And I was like, "dude! I gotta try those out!" And there I was, in Toronto backstage just like, getting autographs and stuff from all these awesome grapplers, and then I get tapped on the shoulder.
Warren dude, you're in! Go rock it!"
[Walk walk to the random pastry treat rack. Warren starts rifling through the various Hostess and other junk.]
"But you know what, I'm mad about something. It ain't all Sweetened Iced Tea and Aero Bars up in Toronto. I go into the match, and Tommy Deathrow, that bastard DDTs me for no good reason. I was tryin' to help the dude out, and he goes and just --- buhnn! DDTs me! I mean dude, that's most untriumphant indeed.
But you know what really sucks the big one? That dude Caliban coming in and throwing me into the fourth row. I mean dude, if I wanted to be in the fourth row I woulda bought a ticket. I mean --- I mean! Dude! I mean dude! Come on man, we're REBEL wrestlers going at it, it wasn't time to get it on. OOOH the big monster Caliban, he's going to eat me after I go to bed, with his crazy dreadlocks and, you know, stuff. He thinks he's so damn tough, I mean, nobody's that tough.
So that's why I went to the guys who run REBEL and I said "I want Caliban in the ring on the first show!" And then I guess like, I must have had some crud stuck in my teeth like cheeto gunk or whatever because they all started laughing, but you know, that's cool, I should make sure I'm spic and span before I go running my business. But hey check it out, April 3rd: Caliban vs Warren in a totally righteous match on REBEL's first show.
[Warren makes his decision. Twinkie, King don. Twinkie, King don. Twinkie, King Don, TWINKIE WINS.]
"So you got this guy Ringmaster Iago who thinks I'm just some stupid kid, talking about me like I'm waaaaay out of my league or in over my head or whatever against "the monster Caliban." And some chick, I dunno, she's like from a comic book or something, but it doesn't matter who comes to the ring. You know, Caliban, you got all the strength and size and you're all tough and big, you know, but you only got those four things. Size, uh, bigness, toughness and... strengthness. Me, I got speed! I got flyin' ability! I got sweet moves, and wicked music, and like, a totally gnarly finishing move. I mean I'm not coming into get beat up and beaten in my first real wrestling match ever, man.
You know what I got also?"
[Warren breaks out into giggles, then nods at the camera enthusiastically.]
"On top of all my other sweet moves and skills, I got a secret weapon that's going to guarantee I got the win in the bag, man. What's that? You know wanna know what it is?"
[The POV shakes up and down as the cameraman apparently nods.]
"Ohhhh no man, it's gonna stay a secret. But let's just say that villains throughout history, none of them have proven stronger than my secret weapon. April 3rd I'm totally going to pin Caliban in a most triumphant first ever-win in REBEL Pro Wrestling. I mean dude, it's me! Warren! Excellent!"
[Warren takes a big bite of his twinkie. The clerk loses all patience.]
"MR. WARREN! YOU ARE HAVING TO PAY FOR THAT TWINKIE BEFORE YOU EAT IT! I DEMAND YOU PAY FOR IT RIGHT NOW!"
[Warren gulps, choking on his twinkie in surprise. The clerk continues to harangue him as the cameraman reaches out to slap Warren on the back. kaff kaff!]