So many plane rides...

[Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL]]

(Scene: Edmonton City Centre Airport. Bruce "The Beast" Richards is leaning against the wall next to the men's washroom. Kyle Roberts comes out of the washroom.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Eurgh. I'm not sure if I can handle this flying back and forth to Las Vegas all the time.

BRUCE RICHARDS: If you didn't keep on eating airline escargots, you'd be a LOT better off.

KYLE ROBERTS: What am I supposed to do? NOT eat the food???

BRUCE RICHARDS: That's what I'm saying, yes. And lay off the free alcohol. You were going through way too much on the plane ride back.

KYLE ROBERTS: I can handle a few Caesars! If you serve up something, no matter where it is, and offer me hollandaise sauce, I'm going to eat it!

BRUCE RICHARDS: You don't eat escargot with hollandaise.

KYLE ROBERTS: They were out of eggs! And Casino bet me that I couldn't do it!

BRUCE RICHARDS: (sighs) So, what do you think of Mr. Cartwright?

KYLE ROBERTS: He's pretty cool. You know what Terry Brandon told me? He said Evan Cartwright can kill a man six times!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Please don't tell me you believe him.

KYLE ROBERTS: What do you think? That I'm an idiot? Of COURSE I don't believe that. Six times is WAY too excessive. Now I can see killing a guy four times. Especially if you're Jesus.

BRUCE RICHARDS: I beg your pardon?

KYLE ROBERTS: He could raise them back from the dead, only to kill them again!

(BRUCE RICHARDS sighs.)

KYLE ROBERTS: I saw it in a movie, okay? (pause) I hear he shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Who? Jesus?

KYLE ROBERTS: No, jackass. Evan Cartwright.

BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

KYLE ROBERTS: Sure he did! Some guy who sings country wrote a song about him!

BRUCE RICHARDS: (red-faced) JOHNNY CASH DID NOT WRI- (Bruce gets a hold of himself.) Johnny Cash didn't write that about Cartwright.

KYLE ROBERTS: Whoa. I just thought of something! A country singer sings about Reno...Think that Evan's related to Ben Cartwright?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Who?

KYLE ROBERTS: You know, Bonanza? Dun duddle dun duddle dun duddle dun duddle DUN DUHHHNNNN!

BRUCE RICHARDS: For the love of God, please just shut up for two minutes!

KYLE ROBERTS: Fine.

BRUCE RICHARDS: So, Rex lost the opportunity to hold the Television title on Thursday.

(KYLE ROBERTS nods.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: He might be more focused on the tag belts now. That's not good.

(KYLE ROBERTS sits down in the terminal, looking out the window.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: So, what are we going to do about The Crimes? Any bright ideas?

KYLE ROBERTS: (looking around for a second, mock notices Bruce talking to him.) Oh, I'M sorry. Is it MY turn to speak now?

BRUCE RICHARDS: You are such a petulant man-boy sometimes.

KYLE ROBERTS: Well, if you ask me, I like Rex Caliber. If only he weren't teaming up with the guy who never removes his mask.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Are you going somewhere with this?

KYLE ROBERTS: How do you mock a guy you respect?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Wow, that's sorta profound coming from you in your current state.

KYLE ROBERTS: This has never happened to me before! Seriously, every team we've faced off against since we joined forces in Gastown? Beneath us! They're all jackasses, or alcoholics, or teenagers! But Rex is different.

BRUCE RICHARDS: I know. We worked very well together in the Christmas Chaos match.

KYLE ROBERTS: There you go! But I'm just saying our usual tricks won't really work against Rex.

BRUCE RICHARDS: How do you mean?

KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, all the times I really tear into someone, I feel they deserve it, alright? But if I don't feel that way about Caliber, then how will my promos mean anything?

BRUCE RICHARDS: I can see your point. But...you don't respect Static, do you?

KYLE ROBERTS: That cock of the walk? The guy who I drove into the mat more times than I...HEY! I DON'T respect him!

BRUCE RICHARDS: So, what does that say about Caliber, who willingly teams up with him?

KYLE ROBERTS: The guy's an idiot for doin- HEY! Stop doing that to me!

BRUCE RICHARDS: (smirks) Doing what?

KYLE ROBERTS: You know, where you make me completely change my mind about something before I do it? Like the backpacking trip across Europe!

BRUCE RICHARDS: You didn't really want to go to Europe with Amy now, did you? That would completely have you in the whipped boyfriend role, going across Europe on the whim of your girlfriend? Pulling her in a rickshaw down the Champs Elysees?

KYLE ROBERTS: I'm not whipped! And I looked it up after you told me that. Paris doesn't have rickshaws!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Who are you going to believe? Your friend Bruce, or E! Wild On's Brooke Burke? Remember how she didn't return the fan mail you wrote her?

KYLE ROBERTS: That freakin' bitch...(suddenly maudlin) Oh, Brooke, why don't you love me? I love YOU...

BRUCE RICHARDS: So, ANYWAYS, I think the only way to hit The Crimes is through their weak link.

KYLE ROBERTS: Bill Fleming?

BRUCE RICHARDS: God, we've got to get you sober... Not Fleming. I'm not sure if he'll make it out to ringside with those two on Monday.

KYLE ROBERTS: Oh. So Static's the weak link?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Exactly. I think the plan will be to beat him like a red-headed stepchild on Monday, and hope Rex doesn't take it personally.

KYLE ROBERTS: Wait! Have you seen Static's hair? Why haven't I seen Static's hair? He never takes off that mask!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Look, I'm going to get us a cab. Please, for the love of God, stay right here.

KYLE ROBERTS: (salutes Bruce behind his back.) Okey dokey, boss! (Kyle's stomach rumbles.) DAMN YOU, HOLLANDAISE! Why can't I handle drinking a cup of you? (runs back into washroom)

(Lights down.)

(Co-written with Bruce Richards)