Post by maniac on Dec 30, 2005 23:48:19 GMT -5
<<<<SCENE>>>>
NOELLE: Coming!
[The door swung open and there she was…frantically rushing around with a towel in her hair and clothes that she had seemingly thrown on for the simple purpose of not opening the door butt naked. Though I wouldn’t have minded.]
NOELLE: Sorry, I’m not as punctual as you are. If I’m late I’m early…
MICHAEL THOMAS: [grinning] Listen, I wish I could take you out some place nice but I don’t get paid until the insurance goes through, so I was thinking….
NOELLE: Actually I was kind of hoping we could stay in. We could order some Chinese and watch a movie. I rented Braveheart…you know, Mel Gibson?
MICHAEL THOMAS: You’re into those kinds of movies? Usually women tie me to a chair and hold my eyelids open while they subject me to some sort of romantic comedy.
NOELLE: [smiling] I think we’re going to get along just fine. Let me get changed…
MICHAEL THOMAS: You don’t have to.
NOELLE: Hmm?
MICHAEL THOMAS: I mean, if you don’t want to. I think you look nice right now.
NOELLE: No, no...first date means dress up nice and don’t make yourself vulnerable.
MICHAEL THOMAS: Rule number one…I don’t conform to rules. Wear what’s comfortable, I insist. You don’t have to try and impress me.
NOELLE: [blushing] I don’t?
MICHAEL THOMAS: [shakes his head] I just wish I had something presentable to wear other than this suit that Mo lent me…looks like he bought this in 1972.
[And so there we were. Me in my cheesy suit, her in her laundry day rags, sitting around her dingy apartment watching Braveheart and eating Chinese food on our first date. It was natural….comforting, almost. I could be myself around her. She didn’t mock me like the (BLEEP)s in the foster home. She didn’t make me feel inadequate like my abusive father…and what’s more, if I got defensive she’d wrap her arms around me and I’d forget what it was I was worried about in the first place. She was everything I’d ever hoped for in a woman. I needed that.]
NOELLE: Wow, that was so awesome…
MICHAEL THOMAS: I don’t think I’ve even been with a woman who would find Mel Gibson smashing someone’s head in with a giant axe awesome…
NOELLE: Does that freak you out?
MICHAEL THOMAS: No…God, no…are you kidding? I’m amazed, that’s all.
NOELLE: [resting her head against his chest] You’re the amazing one.
MICHAEL THOMAS: What do you mean? I haven’t done anything…
NOELLE: This just feels…natural. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else around you.
MICHAEL THOMAS: You better not. Other people ought to pretend to be you, if anything…
NOELLE: [gushing] You’re sweet. By the way…you’ve been eyeing that last chickenball for the past twenty minutes. You can have it, it’s yours…come on, eat eat eat….
MICHAEL THOMAS: [laughing] There’s other things on my mind other than that chickenball, believe it or not.
NOELLE: Mmmhmmm, I don’t believe it, but do tell.
MICHAEL THOMAS: Everything just seems to be falling into place all of a sudden. Mo discovers me, next thing I know I’m “Maniac” and I just signed a lucrative contract with the biggest wrestling company there is…now I’ve fallen for you, and…
NOELLE: Really?…
MICHAEL THOMAS: Hmm?
NOELLE: You’ve fallen for me?
MICHAEL THOMAS: Oh…did I say that?
NOELLE: [beaming] Yes, you did. And I have to admit…I’m right there with ya.
MICHAEL THOMAS: Ah, you’ve fallen for you, too, then eh?
NOELLE: [playfully smacking him on the arm] You know what I meant.
MICHAEL THOMAS: You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. Geez, not one week ago I was watching my life unravel right before my eyes. Things have changed so fast.
NOELLE: I guess it was fate, huh? Listen…there’ve been a few break-ins in the neighbourhood recently…would you ummm… [she pauses]
MICHAEL THOMAS: Like to spend the night? Absolutely.
NOELLE: [smiles and kisses him on the cheek] Thanks, you’re my hero.
[And that’s all that mattered to me. Hell, that’s all that really matters to me to this day. I was her hero. And any time I’d bring home another championship or I’d win a big match…she’d be right there to remind me that I was her hero. That’s all the motivation I ever needed. They say every successful man has a great woman behind him…I guess it’s true. She’s everything to me…and I’m everything to her. No championship in the world could replace her, no victory would be great enough to replace the feeling I get when I see that I’ve made her proud. I’m glad I remember that now. Maybe this journey to rediscover myself isn’t so bad, afterall…]
<<<<END SCENE>>>>
[My father used to say that a run in the morning helped keep you active the rest of the day but then he said such stupid crap that I never really paid attention to any of it. Keeping myself in shape after a few days holiday however was something that required extra effort and so a quick run did me some good and I got home just in time to get a cup of coffee from Noelle. She sat down in the lounge, flicking through the TV channels as I walked in and sat down opposite her.]
Noelle Thomas: There’s nothing on.
Michael Thomas: It's 9 AM, of course there’s nothing on. Daytime TV is a conspiracy, they make it purposely unbearable so that people will want to go out and get jobs.
Noelle Thomas: [laughs] What about people who work weekends? We miss all the fun stuff.
Michael Thomas: That’s why they invented VCRs.
[She laughed again as I walked through to my office, sitting down in front of the camera and stretching my neck a little. I looked around the room at all the titles hanging on the walls, all the pictures on display and thought for a long moment about the history I’d had in this business to date, more determined than ever to add a little more history to it on Sunday night. Then I saw the cassette with Axle Jaxx's latest promo on it and laughed, tucking it away in the desk drawer. I reflected for a moment, and then laughed once more.]
MANIAC: Poor Axle Jaxx…has no clue what he’s even talking about, and yet he spews off at the mouth as if he’s above me…me, the Lord of the Ring! I mean, can you believe that? “Oh, you live in the past, oh, I’m gonna break your neck, wah wah wah”…quit your bitchin’, kid. You don’t like me bringing up the past? That’s because history teaches, little man. And history shows that yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I am the greatest superstar to ever set foot in that ring. And don’t give me this crap about how you could brag about your past, too…your past doesn’t even compare to mine. But more importantly, your present doesn’t either.
See, Axle…I’m in the best shape of my life. I’m thirty years old, I’m in the prime of my career, and I’ve already done more things in this business than you’ll do in your entire life. You? You’re a never was that will never be. I’m straight up money in the bank for this organization, you know it and the whole damn world knows it.
Hell, I haven’t even set foot in an NAPW ring yet and I’ve already got the attention of the champion, Chris Casino, who I’ll get to in a minute. See, that’s the kind of impact I can make, Axle…as soon as I put pen to paper and sign the dotted line with a promotion, the champion starts crapping his pants realizing his days are numbered. So what does he do? He tries to make a pre-emptive strike, catch me off guard. The problem is, I’ve been around the block a million times and I can see his lame ass coming from a mile away. You? You’ll be lucky to be jerking the curtain much longer before you get tossed out to the gutter where you belong, never to be seen or heard from again.
You have conviction and purpose? Let me tell you something, you little whelp. I’m not about to sit here and be lectured by some snot-nosed punkass rookie who thinks he knows all there is to know. I signed with NAPW because I wanted to stay in Canada, sure…but rest assured, little man…I’ve had my eyes on the prize before I even got here. My goal is to be the champion, believe me…and you can bet your ass I will be before long. But right now, the only thing you need to worry about is making it out of Edmonton with your basic motor skills this Monday night. See, I’ve got that rage inside of me…that insatiable desire to make you taste your own blood, to make you suffer like you’ve never suffered before. But the difference between me eleven years ago and me now is, now I know how to go about taking you apart without making myself vulnerable. You can lay back and wait for me to make a mistake, but ask any opponent I’ve been in the ring with…I don’t make mistakes. But you? You’re wet behind the ears, you’re still learning the ropes, whether you want to admit it or not. Well this Monday night, you’re gonna learn eleven years worth of lessons in one night. You’re going to be subjected to my infinite wisdom, my unparalleled greatness. And you’ll come out a better man for it. Granted, you probably won’t be able to walk, feed yourself, or change your own diapers, but a better man nonetheless.
[He pauses for a moment, shaking his head as he recalls more of the idiocy demonstrated by one Axle Jaxx.]
MANIAC Where on earth do you get the idea that I’ve been retired for two years? [he laughs] I took some time off from living life on the road two years ago. I made my glorious return in the NWF in October of 2004, and I went on to dominate that entire organization from top to bottom, including headlining their biggest pay-per-view of the year in Australia. Hell, if you’re keeping score, I won there, too. I then made my way to PCW, where I headlined their pay-per-view in my third match with the company. Lacking any real competition, I ripped up my contract and headed to Alberta. I figured if I’m gonna dominate everyone, I may as well do it at home. And it starts with you, this Monday night.
You talk about youth…you tell me I’m old. Since when is thirty considered old? [he laughs] I’m just entering my prime, kid…sorry about your luck. The days that are behind me…those are the best days of only the truly elite in this business. But me? My best days are still in front of me, and that’s what you need to be worried about. So you show your little Kellogg’s ass up on Monday night, and I’ll take care of the rest. And I promise you, it’s not gonna be pretty.
[He straights his shirt and a wide grin forms across his face.]
MANIAC: It seems I’ve ruffled a few feathers with our so-called “champion,” Chris Casino. Ahh, I get it. He’s from Las Vegas, so his name is “Casino.” That’s clever and not cheesy at ALL. [he groans] So I see we’ve got the obligatory Canadian hater…real original. Mind you, Americans are the only ones who make fun of Canadians, generally because of their inferiority complex and the fact that the rest of the world hates their guts so they have to bash other countries to make themselves feel better, but regardless. Now let me get this straight. You hate Canada. You hate Canadians. So you were sitting home one night and thought to youself, “Hey! I know…I’ll work in Canada!” Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
And really, your little comedy routine is impressive. I mean, the whole Godzilla thing? Touché. Are you honestly so unbelievably boring and uncreative that you need to resort to putting together promos featuring Snoop Dawg, Paris Hilton, and twelve year old humor?
You think you’re gonna take this place to the promised land? [he smirks] Well, my little yankee friend, it seems we have more in common than I thought. This place is lacking some real competition, isn’t it? Or at least, it was. But now I’ve arrived, little man…the Lord of the Ring, the King of Kings, the most unpredictable son of a bitch in the game. Your mom should have taught you to be careful what you wish for. You’ve now met your match. I am the beginning of your end.
You, like Axle Jaxx, should have kept your big mouth shut. I had no beef with you. Hell, in a way I respected you because I gave you credit for being smart enough to win the title. But as it turns out, you’re just the smartest out of a bunch of complete and utter dumbasses. Me? I’m the smartest wrestler in the world. I will cut your head off and put it in a box. You got a little too cocky…and you uttered my name. Hell, you took it a step further and attempted to insult me. Sadly, you forgot to realize that in order to insult me, I first have to give a rat’s ass who you are, and unfortunately for you, I don’t. To me, you’re just the idiot that happens to be wearing my belt. I don’t care what your name is, where you’re from, who you beat to win the title…the fact is, you can’t hold a candle to the Lord of the Ring, and if you want to put it to the test, you can go ahead and make a formal challenge. That’s right, kid…you wanna put your money where your mouth is? Put the title on the line and I’ll whip your sorry ass in any type of one on one match you want.
But we all know you’re too much of a suck to go and do that, don’t we? I can hear the response now, “wah wah wah, you’ve only been here for a week, you don’t deserve a shot, wah wah wah”…that’s fine. You’ll only delay the inevitable. But rest assured, until that match goes down, I’m gonna make your life a complete and utter living hell. They don’t call me the most unpredictable son of a bitch for nothing, kid…you watch my match this Monday night from your little locker room real carefully. You take notes, you study hard…because you’ll be looking at the one true champion in this business. And then maybe you’ll start to realize just who the hell you’re dealing with.
Monday night, the face of NAPW changes forever. The Lord of the Ring debuts. Set your VCRs, this one’s gonna be a keeper.
[Fade to black.]
NOELLE: Coming!
[The door swung open and there she was…frantically rushing around with a towel in her hair and clothes that she had seemingly thrown on for the simple purpose of not opening the door butt naked. Though I wouldn’t have minded.]
NOELLE: Sorry, I’m not as punctual as you are. If I’m late I’m early…
MICHAEL THOMAS: [grinning] Listen, I wish I could take you out some place nice but I don’t get paid until the insurance goes through, so I was thinking….
NOELLE: Actually I was kind of hoping we could stay in. We could order some Chinese and watch a movie. I rented Braveheart…you know, Mel Gibson?
MICHAEL THOMAS: You’re into those kinds of movies? Usually women tie me to a chair and hold my eyelids open while they subject me to some sort of romantic comedy.
NOELLE: [smiling] I think we’re going to get along just fine. Let me get changed…
MICHAEL THOMAS: You don’t have to.
NOELLE: Hmm?
MICHAEL THOMAS: I mean, if you don’t want to. I think you look nice right now.
NOELLE: No, no...first date means dress up nice and don’t make yourself vulnerable.
MICHAEL THOMAS: Rule number one…I don’t conform to rules. Wear what’s comfortable, I insist. You don’t have to try and impress me.
NOELLE: [blushing] I don’t?
MICHAEL THOMAS: [shakes his head] I just wish I had something presentable to wear other than this suit that Mo lent me…looks like he bought this in 1972.
[And so there we were. Me in my cheesy suit, her in her laundry day rags, sitting around her dingy apartment watching Braveheart and eating Chinese food on our first date. It was natural….comforting, almost. I could be myself around her. She didn’t mock me like the (BLEEP)s in the foster home. She didn’t make me feel inadequate like my abusive father…and what’s more, if I got defensive she’d wrap her arms around me and I’d forget what it was I was worried about in the first place. She was everything I’d ever hoped for in a woman. I needed that.]
NOELLE: Wow, that was so awesome…
MICHAEL THOMAS: I don’t think I’ve even been with a woman who would find Mel Gibson smashing someone’s head in with a giant axe awesome…
NOELLE: Does that freak you out?
MICHAEL THOMAS: No…God, no…are you kidding? I’m amazed, that’s all.
NOELLE: [resting her head against his chest] You’re the amazing one.
MICHAEL THOMAS: What do you mean? I haven’t done anything…
NOELLE: This just feels…natural. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else around you.
MICHAEL THOMAS: You better not. Other people ought to pretend to be you, if anything…
NOELLE: [gushing] You’re sweet. By the way…you’ve been eyeing that last chickenball for the past twenty minutes. You can have it, it’s yours…come on, eat eat eat….
MICHAEL THOMAS: [laughing] There’s other things on my mind other than that chickenball, believe it or not.
NOELLE: Mmmhmmm, I don’t believe it, but do tell.
MICHAEL THOMAS: Everything just seems to be falling into place all of a sudden. Mo discovers me, next thing I know I’m “Maniac” and I just signed a lucrative contract with the biggest wrestling company there is…now I’ve fallen for you, and…
NOELLE: Really?…
MICHAEL THOMAS: Hmm?
NOELLE: You’ve fallen for me?
MICHAEL THOMAS: Oh…did I say that?
NOELLE: [beaming] Yes, you did. And I have to admit…I’m right there with ya.
MICHAEL THOMAS: Ah, you’ve fallen for you, too, then eh?
NOELLE: [playfully smacking him on the arm] You know what I meant.
MICHAEL THOMAS: You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. Geez, not one week ago I was watching my life unravel right before my eyes. Things have changed so fast.
NOELLE: I guess it was fate, huh? Listen…there’ve been a few break-ins in the neighbourhood recently…would you ummm… [she pauses]
MICHAEL THOMAS: Like to spend the night? Absolutely.
NOELLE: [smiles and kisses him on the cheek] Thanks, you’re my hero.
[And that’s all that mattered to me. Hell, that’s all that really matters to me to this day. I was her hero. And any time I’d bring home another championship or I’d win a big match…she’d be right there to remind me that I was her hero. That’s all the motivation I ever needed. They say every successful man has a great woman behind him…I guess it’s true. She’s everything to me…and I’m everything to her. No championship in the world could replace her, no victory would be great enough to replace the feeling I get when I see that I’ve made her proud. I’m glad I remember that now. Maybe this journey to rediscover myself isn’t so bad, afterall…]
<<<<END SCENE>>>>
[My father used to say that a run in the morning helped keep you active the rest of the day but then he said such stupid crap that I never really paid attention to any of it. Keeping myself in shape after a few days holiday however was something that required extra effort and so a quick run did me some good and I got home just in time to get a cup of coffee from Noelle. She sat down in the lounge, flicking through the TV channels as I walked in and sat down opposite her.]
Noelle Thomas: There’s nothing on.
Michael Thomas: It's 9 AM, of course there’s nothing on. Daytime TV is a conspiracy, they make it purposely unbearable so that people will want to go out and get jobs.
Noelle Thomas: [laughs] What about people who work weekends? We miss all the fun stuff.
Michael Thomas: That’s why they invented VCRs.
[She laughed again as I walked through to my office, sitting down in front of the camera and stretching my neck a little. I looked around the room at all the titles hanging on the walls, all the pictures on display and thought for a long moment about the history I’d had in this business to date, more determined than ever to add a little more history to it on Sunday night. Then I saw the cassette with Axle Jaxx's latest promo on it and laughed, tucking it away in the desk drawer. I reflected for a moment, and then laughed once more.]
MANIAC: Poor Axle Jaxx…has no clue what he’s even talking about, and yet he spews off at the mouth as if he’s above me…me, the Lord of the Ring! I mean, can you believe that? “Oh, you live in the past, oh, I’m gonna break your neck, wah wah wah”…quit your bitchin’, kid. You don’t like me bringing up the past? That’s because history teaches, little man. And history shows that yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I am the greatest superstar to ever set foot in that ring. And don’t give me this crap about how you could brag about your past, too…your past doesn’t even compare to mine. But more importantly, your present doesn’t either.
See, Axle…I’m in the best shape of my life. I’m thirty years old, I’m in the prime of my career, and I’ve already done more things in this business than you’ll do in your entire life. You? You’re a never was that will never be. I’m straight up money in the bank for this organization, you know it and the whole damn world knows it.
Hell, I haven’t even set foot in an NAPW ring yet and I’ve already got the attention of the champion, Chris Casino, who I’ll get to in a minute. See, that’s the kind of impact I can make, Axle…as soon as I put pen to paper and sign the dotted line with a promotion, the champion starts crapping his pants realizing his days are numbered. So what does he do? He tries to make a pre-emptive strike, catch me off guard. The problem is, I’ve been around the block a million times and I can see his lame ass coming from a mile away. You? You’ll be lucky to be jerking the curtain much longer before you get tossed out to the gutter where you belong, never to be seen or heard from again.
You have conviction and purpose? Let me tell you something, you little whelp. I’m not about to sit here and be lectured by some snot-nosed punkass rookie who thinks he knows all there is to know. I signed with NAPW because I wanted to stay in Canada, sure…but rest assured, little man…I’ve had my eyes on the prize before I even got here. My goal is to be the champion, believe me…and you can bet your ass I will be before long. But right now, the only thing you need to worry about is making it out of Edmonton with your basic motor skills this Monday night. See, I’ve got that rage inside of me…that insatiable desire to make you taste your own blood, to make you suffer like you’ve never suffered before. But the difference between me eleven years ago and me now is, now I know how to go about taking you apart without making myself vulnerable. You can lay back and wait for me to make a mistake, but ask any opponent I’ve been in the ring with…I don’t make mistakes. But you? You’re wet behind the ears, you’re still learning the ropes, whether you want to admit it or not. Well this Monday night, you’re gonna learn eleven years worth of lessons in one night. You’re going to be subjected to my infinite wisdom, my unparalleled greatness. And you’ll come out a better man for it. Granted, you probably won’t be able to walk, feed yourself, or change your own diapers, but a better man nonetheless.
[He pauses for a moment, shaking his head as he recalls more of the idiocy demonstrated by one Axle Jaxx.]
MANIAC Where on earth do you get the idea that I’ve been retired for two years? [he laughs] I took some time off from living life on the road two years ago. I made my glorious return in the NWF in October of 2004, and I went on to dominate that entire organization from top to bottom, including headlining their biggest pay-per-view of the year in Australia. Hell, if you’re keeping score, I won there, too. I then made my way to PCW, where I headlined their pay-per-view in my third match with the company. Lacking any real competition, I ripped up my contract and headed to Alberta. I figured if I’m gonna dominate everyone, I may as well do it at home. And it starts with you, this Monday night.
You talk about youth…you tell me I’m old. Since when is thirty considered old? [he laughs] I’m just entering my prime, kid…sorry about your luck. The days that are behind me…those are the best days of only the truly elite in this business. But me? My best days are still in front of me, and that’s what you need to be worried about. So you show your little Kellogg’s ass up on Monday night, and I’ll take care of the rest. And I promise you, it’s not gonna be pretty.
[He straights his shirt and a wide grin forms across his face.]
MANIAC: It seems I’ve ruffled a few feathers with our so-called “champion,” Chris Casino. Ahh, I get it. He’s from Las Vegas, so his name is “Casino.” That’s clever and not cheesy at ALL. [he groans] So I see we’ve got the obligatory Canadian hater…real original. Mind you, Americans are the only ones who make fun of Canadians, generally because of their inferiority complex and the fact that the rest of the world hates their guts so they have to bash other countries to make themselves feel better, but regardless. Now let me get this straight. You hate Canada. You hate Canadians. So you were sitting home one night and thought to youself, “Hey! I know…I’ll work in Canada!” Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
And really, your little comedy routine is impressive. I mean, the whole Godzilla thing? Touché. Are you honestly so unbelievably boring and uncreative that you need to resort to putting together promos featuring Snoop Dawg, Paris Hilton, and twelve year old humor?
You think you’re gonna take this place to the promised land? [he smirks] Well, my little yankee friend, it seems we have more in common than I thought. This place is lacking some real competition, isn’t it? Or at least, it was. But now I’ve arrived, little man…the Lord of the Ring, the King of Kings, the most unpredictable son of a bitch in the game. Your mom should have taught you to be careful what you wish for. You’ve now met your match. I am the beginning of your end.
You, like Axle Jaxx, should have kept your big mouth shut. I had no beef with you. Hell, in a way I respected you because I gave you credit for being smart enough to win the title. But as it turns out, you’re just the smartest out of a bunch of complete and utter dumbasses. Me? I’m the smartest wrestler in the world. I will cut your head off and put it in a box. You got a little too cocky…and you uttered my name. Hell, you took it a step further and attempted to insult me. Sadly, you forgot to realize that in order to insult me, I first have to give a rat’s ass who you are, and unfortunately for you, I don’t. To me, you’re just the idiot that happens to be wearing my belt. I don’t care what your name is, where you’re from, who you beat to win the title…the fact is, you can’t hold a candle to the Lord of the Ring, and if you want to put it to the test, you can go ahead and make a formal challenge. That’s right, kid…you wanna put your money where your mouth is? Put the title on the line and I’ll whip your sorry ass in any type of one on one match you want.
But we all know you’re too much of a suck to go and do that, don’t we? I can hear the response now, “wah wah wah, you’ve only been here for a week, you don’t deserve a shot, wah wah wah”…that’s fine. You’ll only delay the inevitable. But rest assured, until that match goes down, I’m gonna make your life a complete and utter living hell. They don’t call me the most unpredictable son of a bitch for nothing, kid…you watch my match this Monday night from your little locker room real carefully. You take notes, you study hard…because you’ll be looking at the one true champion in this business. And then maybe you’ll start to realize just who the hell you’re dealing with.
Monday night, the face of NAPW changes forever. The Lord of the Ring debuts. Set your VCRs, this one’s gonna be a keeper.
[Fade to black.]