Post by The Delivery Men on Dec 24, 2005 12:41:06 GMT -5
(Lights up. It's Christmas Eve on Jasper Avenue, where we find our trusty Delivery Men coming out of a Tim Horton's. They walk.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: Listen, I know we said we wouldn't splurge or nothing, but it's frickin' Christmas, after all, so . . .
DELIVERY MAN #2: You frickin' did not.
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Pulling out a gift from his jumpsuit.) Here ya are, frick.
DELIVERY MAN #2: (Unwrapping the gift.) A frickin' sixty gig Video iPod? But these things are scarce!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Carlos who works the London Drugs route owed me a frickin' favour. So you could say that it fell off the back of the truck. (Pause.) But in actuality, you might prefer to say that he let me steal it.
DELIVERY MAN #2: This is the best frickin' gift I've ever gotten! Christmas frickin rules! (Digs a gift out of his jumpsuit, and hands it over.) Here!
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Unwrapping the gift.) A Mary Engelbreit page-a-day calendar. (Pause.) Frick.
DELIVERY MAN #2: Hey hey hey! We said no frickin' splurging!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Frick-for-brains! I didn't spend a frickin' cent and I got you an IPod!
DELIVERY MAN #2: Well, not all of us are as cheap as your frickin' grandmother!
DELIVERY MAN #1: That does it! I'm gonna frick you up! (Pulls out two halves of a pool cue, which he snaps together.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: When I get through with you, you'll frickin' wish you could piss blood! (Pulls out a clothes iron, then looks around for an outlet.)
DELIVERY MAN #1 It's the frickin' Saturday Night Main Event, right here--
(An anguished sob cuts him short. Both Delivery Men follow the sound to the curb, where they see a small child sobbing into his mittens.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: What's the matter, little guy?
CHILD: (Still sobbing into his mittens.) Christmas is ruined! Look!
(The child uses one mitt to point to a truck further down the block. The Delivery Men approach the truck--non-descript, but red--and hear someone futilely gunning the motor. They approach the cab and open the door, revealing a diminutive man in a green felt hat and a jumpsuit that reads "Spinkle" sitting on a milk crate and trying to operate with long sticks strapped to his feet.)
SPINKLE: Come on, come on!
(A second small man in a red hat and a jumpsuit reading "Tinkle" pops up from the passenger's seat.)
TINKLE: You're gonna flood it!
SPINKLE: It's already flooded.
(Both Delivery Men look at each other.)
DELIVERY MEN: Christmas elves!
SPINKLE: (Having already seen them.) Yeah, yeah. Listen, you got a cell phone? I gotta call Head Office, and Murray's just flaked out on us.
DELIVERY MAN #2: Frick yeah, we got a cell phone in our truck!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Frick that, we've got a frickin' truck!
DELIVERY MAN #2: (Pulls #1 aside.) What the frick you gettin' at?
DELIVERY MAN #1: Think about it--it's the Delivery Man dream . . . to frickin' save Christmas!
DELIVERY MAN #2: (Gasps.) Frick, you're right!
(The Delivery Men turn back to the Elves.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: We would love to help out in your time of need! Let's load all of the deliveries into our truck, and we'll deliver them all in time for Christmas, lickety-frick!
DELIVERY MAN #2: And we frickin' insist on doing it for free!
(#1 shoots #2 a look.)
SPINKLE: Really! We'd love that!
TINKLE: You've saved Christmas!
(Cut to the back of the truck, where #1 opens the tail door.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: Frick! There sure are a lot of packages!
TINKLE: Yeah, the big guy always overloads us.
DELIVERY MAN #2: There's no frickin' way you could fit so many packages inside a cab like this! It's impossible!
DELIVERY MAN #1: You're right. (Pats #2 on the shoulder.) We'll have to make two frickin' trips.
(And so. The Delivery Men and their truck zoom throughout Edmonton, delivering package after package. They drop a box off with a cheerful-looking housewife, a box to a young married couple, two boxes to an old man, and so on and so forth. Every delivery is quick and professional, and within a few hours they've nearly finished the first leg of their route.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: I kinda wish we'd be giving presents to some frickin' kids! It's not Christmas without kids gettin' presents!
DELIVERY MAN #1: All of their frickin' presents were at the back of that truck, dimfrick!
DELIVERY MAN #2: Oh, yeah!
(And they return to the stalled truck on Jasper Ave. Spinkle and Tinkle are waiting in the back of the truck.)
TINKLE: You guys are fast!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Nobody does it better than me and my buddy! So let's get this second shipment under people's trees!
(The Elves start tossing out packags, which The Delivery Men then throw into their truck. One bad toss from Spinkle comes up short and crashes at #2's feet.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: Hey, hey! Watch the aim, Frick and Jane!
(Delivery Man #2 picks up the box but it's broken open, spilling out pink and purple ridged wands.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: Ohhhhh, frick.
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Tearing his box open.) Hey! This box is full of ball gags! What the frick?
(Just then the child from earlier comes around, although he's got a goatee and is smoking.)
CHILD: Well, shit. That's gonna come out of profits.
(#1 looks at #2, #2 looks at #1, and both men look at the other three.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: You fricks don't work for Santa, do you?
SPINKLE: Nope!
(Tinkle turns around to reveal the back of his jumpsuit, which reads "FAT FONZIE'S ADULT EMPORIUM")
TINKLE: Serving your Adult needs since 1996!
DELIVERY MAN #1: And you're not elves.
SPINKLE: Nope!
DELIVERY MAN #1: You're just midgets.
DELIVERY MAN #2: Well, why did you frickin' say you were elves?
SPINKLE: We didn't!
TINKLE: You said that.
SPINKLE: And it's very offensive.
TINKLE: Just because we want to look festive with our Christmas hats.
SPINKLE: We like . . . Christmas hats.
TINKLE: (To the "child".) Glad to see you not crying like a bitch, Murray.
MURRAY: Hey, if we couldn't get that shipment out in time, it's goodbye Holiday Bonus! Christmas would've been ruined, and I got alimony to pay!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Okay, frick. This is too weird. We're out.
MURRAY: Oh, you can't leave.
SPINKLE: He's seen too much!
DELIVERY MAN #2: (Smirks.) Yeah, what are you fricks gonna do about it?
(Murray bares his fangs, which frightens the Delivery Men back. They look at Spinkle and Tinkle, who are also baring fangs.)
SPINKLE: We're gonna bite you--
TINKLE: --and turn you into midgets!
(Spinkle and Tinkle leap off the back of the truck at the Delivery Men's faces. Lights down.)
----------
With a debt of gratitude to The Beast.
DELIVERY MAN #1: Listen, I know we said we wouldn't splurge or nothing, but it's frickin' Christmas, after all, so . . .
DELIVERY MAN #2: You frickin' did not.
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Pulling out a gift from his jumpsuit.) Here ya are, frick.
DELIVERY MAN #2: (Unwrapping the gift.) A frickin' sixty gig Video iPod? But these things are scarce!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Carlos who works the London Drugs route owed me a frickin' favour. So you could say that it fell off the back of the truck. (Pause.) But in actuality, you might prefer to say that he let me steal it.
DELIVERY MAN #2: This is the best frickin' gift I've ever gotten! Christmas frickin rules! (Digs a gift out of his jumpsuit, and hands it over.) Here!
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Unwrapping the gift.) A Mary Engelbreit page-a-day calendar. (Pause.) Frick.
DELIVERY MAN #2: Hey hey hey! We said no frickin' splurging!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Frick-for-brains! I didn't spend a frickin' cent and I got you an IPod!
DELIVERY MAN #2: Well, not all of us are as cheap as your frickin' grandmother!
DELIVERY MAN #1: That does it! I'm gonna frick you up! (Pulls out two halves of a pool cue, which he snaps together.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: When I get through with you, you'll frickin' wish you could piss blood! (Pulls out a clothes iron, then looks around for an outlet.)
DELIVERY MAN #1 It's the frickin' Saturday Night Main Event, right here--
(An anguished sob cuts him short. Both Delivery Men follow the sound to the curb, where they see a small child sobbing into his mittens.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: What's the matter, little guy?
CHILD: (Still sobbing into his mittens.) Christmas is ruined! Look!
(The child uses one mitt to point to a truck further down the block. The Delivery Men approach the truck--non-descript, but red--and hear someone futilely gunning the motor. They approach the cab and open the door, revealing a diminutive man in a green felt hat and a jumpsuit that reads "Spinkle" sitting on a milk crate and trying to operate with long sticks strapped to his feet.)
SPINKLE: Come on, come on!
(A second small man in a red hat and a jumpsuit reading "Tinkle" pops up from the passenger's seat.)
TINKLE: You're gonna flood it!
SPINKLE: It's already flooded.
(Both Delivery Men look at each other.)
DELIVERY MEN: Christmas elves!
SPINKLE: (Having already seen them.) Yeah, yeah. Listen, you got a cell phone? I gotta call Head Office, and Murray's just flaked out on us.
DELIVERY MAN #2: Frick yeah, we got a cell phone in our truck!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Frick that, we've got a frickin' truck!
DELIVERY MAN #2: (Pulls #1 aside.) What the frick you gettin' at?
DELIVERY MAN #1: Think about it--it's the Delivery Man dream . . . to frickin' save Christmas!
DELIVERY MAN #2: (Gasps.) Frick, you're right!
(The Delivery Men turn back to the Elves.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: We would love to help out in your time of need! Let's load all of the deliveries into our truck, and we'll deliver them all in time for Christmas, lickety-frick!
DELIVERY MAN #2: And we frickin' insist on doing it for free!
(#1 shoots #2 a look.)
SPINKLE: Really! We'd love that!
TINKLE: You've saved Christmas!
(Cut to the back of the truck, where #1 opens the tail door.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: Frick! There sure are a lot of packages!
TINKLE: Yeah, the big guy always overloads us.
DELIVERY MAN #2: There's no frickin' way you could fit so many packages inside a cab like this! It's impossible!
DELIVERY MAN #1: You're right. (Pats #2 on the shoulder.) We'll have to make two frickin' trips.
(And so. The Delivery Men and their truck zoom throughout Edmonton, delivering package after package. They drop a box off with a cheerful-looking housewife, a box to a young married couple, two boxes to an old man, and so on and so forth. Every delivery is quick and professional, and within a few hours they've nearly finished the first leg of their route.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: I kinda wish we'd be giving presents to some frickin' kids! It's not Christmas without kids gettin' presents!
DELIVERY MAN #1: All of their frickin' presents were at the back of that truck, dimfrick!
DELIVERY MAN #2: Oh, yeah!
(And they return to the stalled truck on Jasper Ave. Spinkle and Tinkle are waiting in the back of the truck.)
TINKLE: You guys are fast!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Nobody does it better than me and my buddy! So let's get this second shipment under people's trees!
(The Elves start tossing out packags, which The Delivery Men then throw into their truck. One bad toss from Spinkle comes up short and crashes at #2's feet.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: Hey, hey! Watch the aim, Frick and Jane!
(Delivery Man #2 picks up the box but it's broken open, spilling out pink and purple ridged wands.)
DELIVERY MAN #2: Ohhhhh, frick.
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Tearing his box open.) Hey! This box is full of ball gags! What the frick?
(Just then the child from earlier comes around, although he's got a goatee and is smoking.)
CHILD: Well, shit. That's gonna come out of profits.
(#1 looks at #2, #2 looks at #1, and both men look at the other three.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: You fricks don't work for Santa, do you?
SPINKLE: Nope!
(Tinkle turns around to reveal the back of his jumpsuit, which reads "FAT FONZIE'S ADULT EMPORIUM")
TINKLE: Serving your Adult needs since 1996!
DELIVERY MAN #1: And you're not elves.
SPINKLE: Nope!
DELIVERY MAN #1: You're just midgets.
DELIVERY MAN #2: Well, why did you frickin' say you were elves?
SPINKLE: We didn't!
TINKLE: You said that.
SPINKLE: And it's very offensive.
TINKLE: Just because we want to look festive with our Christmas hats.
SPINKLE: We like . . . Christmas hats.
TINKLE: (To the "child".) Glad to see you not crying like a bitch, Murray.
MURRAY: Hey, if we couldn't get that shipment out in time, it's goodbye Holiday Bonus! Christmas would've been ruined, and I got alimony to pay!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Okay, frick. This is too weird. We're out.
MURRAY: Oh, you can't leave.
SPINKLE: He's seen too much!
DELIVERY MAN #2: (Smirks.) Yeah, what are you fricks gonna do about it?
(Murray bares his fangs, which frightens the Delivery Men back. They look at Spinkle and Tinkle, who are also baring fangs.)
SPINKLE: We're gonna bite you--
TINKLE: --and turn you into midgets!
(Spinkle and Tinkle leap off the back of the truck at the Delivery Men's faces. Lights down.)
----------
With a debt of gratitude to The Beast.