Have a Merry, Merry D-XMas!

[Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL]]

(Location: West Edmonton Mall's Santa Village. Kyle Roberts is dressed up in a Santa suit, and is fixing his beard.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Bruce, will you get out here already? The kids'll be here any minute!

(Bruce "The Beast" Richards exits Santa's house, dressed up as an Elf. And is not looking happy about it.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: Man, it took forever to settle the big guy. Now, explain to me again why I'm Santa's elvish helper.

KYLE ROBERTS: Because you hate having kids in your lap.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay. My unease is lessened. Slightly.

KYLE ROBERTS: How do I look?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Not half as embarrassing as me.

KYLE ROBERTS: But I look like Santa?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Yes.

KYLE ROBERTS: Excellent. (He shouts off-camera.) BRING ON THE RUGRATS!

(A child with long white hair and a fake white mustache enters. He wears a black trenchcoat.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Who the hell's this? The love child of Edge and Hulk Hogan?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Santa, this is Tempest. (Tempest jumps on Roberts' lap. Kyle exhales sharply.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Ooof! Hello, little boy. What do YOU want for Hallowe- I mean Christmas?

LITTLE TEMPEST: (in a voice that shouldn't come out of an eight-year-old) To give.

KYLE ROBERTS: Well, that's swell. If only every child was more concerned with the giving instead of the getting during the holidays. What would you like to give?

LITTLE TEMPEST: Pain! (He punches Roberts in the gut and jumps off Santa's lap.)

KYLE ROBERTS: I know what to get you: a good lawyer! You're gonna need it with all your bar trashings!

(A larger kid with blond dreadlocks, dressed in black shirt and jeans, walks in.)

KID: I'm the Immortal! But my immortality is a curse!

KYLE ROBERTS: Riiiight. What would YOU like for Christmas?

IMMORTAL: I want some friends. I don't have any.

KYLE ROBERTS: That's not right. Why don't you have any friends?

IMMORTAL: I dunno. The people I like think I copy them too much.

KYLE ROBERTS: You copy people? Why would you do that?

IMMORTAL: I copy people? Why would I do that?

KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, little Immortal. Santa'll give you a voice of your very own.

IMMORTAL: Maybe it's because I chokeslam them after wards.

KYLE ROBERTS: Bruce Elf? Could you please escort this child from my lap? And give him a direction to go in, please? Preferably through the exit? To a good shrink? Thanks. Who's next? Step up, I don't have all day.

(A child steps up to the podium where D-X is. He's wearing dark sunglasses, has a pale demeanor, and is dressed in a black suit.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Ho ho ho! What's YOUR name, little one?

(The child stares evenly at Santa Roberts, completely silent.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: Santa, this is little Ravager.

KYLE ROBERTS: Hello, Ravager! What did you want me to bring you on Christmas Eve?

LITTLE RAVAGER: I want an XBox 360.

KYLE ROBERTS: You sure about that, little boy? You wouldn't want, say, a conscience? The self-restraint to keep from abusing everyone you meet?

LITTLE RAVAGER: I said, I want an XBox.

KYLE ROBERTS: How about concern for your fellow man? How does that sound?

LITTLE RAVAGER: I. Want. An XBox. And I will get. An XBox.

KYLE ROBERTS: Would you like a soul? They come in pretty handy in interpersonal relationships.

LITTLE RAVAGER: (grabs Santa Roberts by his collar) Did you not hear me, fat man??

(Bruce "The Elf" Richards pulls Little Ravager off Santa.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, that's it. Your time's over. Santa will make sure you get what you deserve.

KYLE ROBERTS: (muttered) I'll give him what he deserves all right. Several spankings should have set him on the right path at that age.

(A child comes up, dressed in a shiny silver mask, and leather body armour.)

KYLE ROBERTS: NEXT! No movie villains are allowed on Santa's lap!

PREDATOR: You will feel my wrath.

KYLE ROBERTS: Yeah, yeah, if you don't get to steppin', you'll feel my hand on your backside repeatedly.

(The child leaves, dejected. Another child enters, wearing a plaid workman's shirt and a hardhat.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Who's this?

BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm not sure.

LITTLE MOOSE: I'm Alberta born, and I'm a roughneck! (Bruce and Kyle look at the kid silently, look at each other, look back at the kid.) Moose Miller? I faced Ravager for the provincial title?

(Long pause.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: You mean Lobo? Where are your medals?

LITTLE MOOSE: No! This was the very first Monday Night Fights?

KYLE ROBERTS: No! I know! The guy who was from Scandinavia! I thought his helmet was supposed to have horns.

LITTLE MOOSE: I'm outta here.

KYLE ROBERTS: Alright, Bruce Elf. Who's next on the list?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Well, the next names on the list are little Hatchet and young Mr. Fixer. But they're not in line. They're nowhere to be found. (Kyle and Bruce turn to stare evenly into the camera.) So on to the next duo of tots.

(Two young kids in University of Alberta jackets walk in. They're holding miniature replica NAPW Tag Team Belts.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Ho ho ho! Who the dickens are these youngsters?

LITTLE MIKE: Stick a yule log in it, Santa!

KYLE ROBERTS: Well I never!

LITTLE CAM: I got the pinfall over you fair and square! An underrooted pinfall victory!

BRUCE RICHARDS: I believe you mean "undisputed."

LITTLE MIKE: D-X are LOSERS! Cheating losers!

KYLE ROBERTS: Yeah? Would cheating losers do THIS? (Roberts steals Cam's replica belt.) Beast, would you please call security for me? Tell them that a bunch of rowdy truants punched Santa in the gut.

LITTLE CAM: We never did that!

KYLE ROBERTS: Who is security going to believe? Two eleven-year-olds? Or Santa? (Bruce is already on the phone to security. Kyle pushes the little Dudes off the podium.) Hey, look at THIS little kid! So polite and waiting for his turn. Come up and sit on Santa's lap, kid.

(A blonde-haired child in a smoking jacket enters.)

KYLE ROBERTS: What's your name?

LITTLE CASINO: Chris Casino.

KYLE ROBERTS: And what would you like for Christmas?

LITTLE CASINO: To rule the world!

KYLE ROBERTS: You know what? With a little help from Santa's helpers, the New and Improved D-X? I think you can bet the bank on that one, kiddo.

LITTLE CASINO: THANKS SANTA! (Hugs Kyle and leaves. A security guard comes in.)

SECURITY GUARD: Well, Santa, what seems to be the problem here?

BRUCE RICHARDS: All Santa was doing was minding his own business, when these two ruffians here came and abused him.

KYLE ROBERTS: They pulled my beard, and called me... (whispers) fat! I know, Christmas is the best time to lose all notions of dieting, but I think that's a little uncalled for, don't you?

SECURITY GUARD: Hey. You aren't the normal Santa. Where did he get to?

KYLE ROBERTS: He came down with a case of Ebola, I'm pretty sure.

(Muffled thumps emanate from Santa's Workshop.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Did I say Ebola? Where's my brain? I meant he - CHEESE IT, BRUCE! (Kyle and Bruce bolt off in different directions, leaving the security guard and the little dudes.)

SECURITY GUARD: Well, that was...odd.

(Kyle runs back into frame, pulls the second replica belt out of Little Mike's hands.)

KYLE ROBERTS: YOINK!

(Kyle runs off again, leaving the security guard shaking his head, and the Dudes about to burst into tears.)

* Co-written with Bruce Richards. Nobody's permission was asked for this promo. Because, hey, who would allow themselves to be mocked by D-X and a bunch of children? Happy holidays! - Kyle *