Post by Bruce "The Beast" Richards on Apr 21, 2007 17:10:43 GMT -5
(It's a Saturday afternoon in the West Edmonton Mall. The place is buzzing with young families, teenagers with too much disposable time and income, and older people driving around on those slow, motorized carts. Not the place you'd normally find Bruce "The Beast" Richards. But when Tiffany needs to go shopping, well...sometimes Bruce has to take the hit. He's standing uncomfortably outside a La Senza and staring at the water fountain in the middle of the walkway. He turns to the camera and speaks.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: This place disgusts me. Well, perhaps "disgusts" is too harsh a word. It's just that every time I step into this giant shopping center, I get a little nauseous. It's not so much the people from around here that come here to shop; hell, I'm guilty of stepping into the HMV a time or two, or checking out the Chinese grocery store. It's more the people who come in from out of town, and the first thing they think of is The Mall. As if it's the only thing of interest in the city. As if it's got some kind of meaning. Newsflash, people: it's a big fricking mall. It's not any kind of cultural institution, or historical landmark, or even very pretty to look at. It's a big fricking mall. Empty of significance, empty of importance, empty of everything except commerce. It's bright and shiny but there's nothing of real substance. You want to know what it's like in West Edmonton Mall? Imagine your own mall in your home town, but with a few more malls attached to it. Also: a waterslide park and a shooting range, and a lame amusement park. You imagining that? You have that picture in your mind? You've JUST VISITED WEST EDMONTON MALL. And I've saved you the cost of a trip, not to mention the hassle of trying to find a parking spot. You're welcome.
(Bruce glances over into the store, where we see Tiffany ringing up her purchase at the counter.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You could say that the West Edmonton Mall is an analogy for Simply Beautiful. It's true, he's very flashy, and people certainly respond to his marketability and his reputation. It would be easy to assume that he's all style and no substance. So yes, you could say that he's just like West Edmonton Mall. But you'd be wrong. First of all, he won Sole Survivor, so he's not exactly a slouch in the wrestling department. Second of all, I chose to ally myself with him in the A1E Tag Team Tournament. True, it was partly to keep a nice shine on the good NAPW name after his partner dropped out, but I wouldn't have volunteered my services if I didn't think he had the drive and the ability. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good judge of...well, if my past choices are any indication, not character. But a good judge of talent. And Simply Beautiful has talent, that's for sure. (Grins that wicked grin of his, where his eyes sparkle and he flashes a little of his teeth.) But then again, so do I.
(Tiffany pops up behind him and flashes her little white bag at him.)
TIFFANY: All done!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Good. We done yet?
TIFFANY: No, we have a few more stores to stop at. Aldo has some great prices for shoes. (Notices the camera, which is a few feet away.) Oh, uh, hey Bob. (The camera nods, and Tiffany pulls Bruce aside and says in a quiet voice.) What's he doing here?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Look, if I'm going to follow you around shopping, I might as well get a little work done. It's called multitasking.
TIFFANY: (Looking a little put out, but nodding her head.) Fine. But next time, I want to discuss it first.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Do you mean "discuss" like "let's discuss this and come to a reasonable conclusion" or like "let's discuss the possibility of you taking me out shopping"?
TIFFANY: Don't. PUSH. Me.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, White Chocolate, whatever you say. (Tiffany blushes, then skips along beside Bruce as they move down the mallway.) So, I was just talking a little about Simply Beautiful.
TIFFANY: That guy's awesome! (Thinks for a second.) Wait a second. Is this for the NAPW match or the A1E match?
BRUCE RICHARDS: NAPW.
TIFFANY: That guy's going down!
BRUCE RICHARDS: You can't just dismiss him like that, Tiffany. He's got a lot going for him.
TIFFANY: Well, so do you.
BRUCE RICHARDS: That's true. (Scratches his chin thoughtfully.) If there was only a way I could compare and contrast our various strengths.
TIFFANY: Wait a second...
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Snaps his fingers.) Hold on! There is a way I can do that!
TIFFANY: You don't mean...
(Bruce and the cameraman stop outside Lammle's Western Wear, where an easel and paper have been set up. The front page says "Bruce Richards vs. Simply Beautiful: A Tale in Three Charts.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: As you can see, I've prepared some charts that should shed some light on the subject.
TIFFANY: (Gritting her teeth.) You had this planned the whole time?
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Smiling as he pulls out his baton.) Why do you think I agreed to our little "discussion" so quickly? (Turning to the charts.) There are a couple of things that SB and I have in common, so let's get those out of the way first. (He flips over the first sheet, which is a tally chart with a picture of The Beast's scowling face in one column and SB's cocky grin in the other.) First of all, the matter of former championships. As we all know, Simply Beautiful is a former NAPW Pure Honour Champion. I'm a former five-time NAPW Tag Team Champion. So we both have that going for us. Second of all, title shots. I've still got my title shot from the BattleBowl back in October, while SB just got his at SoleSur II. So far, so evenly matched. But here's where things break down.
BRUCE RICHARDS: SB's got a few things on me. He's certainly prettier than I am. (Shrugs.) I'm not being self-deprecating, it's just fact. He's got a face like an angel, and he's certainly got more muscle definition than I do.
TIFFANY: It's really true. You could bounce a loonie off that butt!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Thanks for the help, hon.
TIFFANY: (Sweetly.) Any time.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Sighs.) So even though he's got the moves and the looks, it's not going to get him much of an advantage in the ring, unless you count a few more dozen women screaming out his name when he goes up for the New York Nightmare than I get when I'm about to end it all with a Chart Attack. Good thing that's not all he's got going for him. SB's also a much better technical wrestler than I am. I was never one for the perfectly executed suplex or the unbreakable arm-lock; I'm more of a catch-as-catch-can guy. But if it comes down to mat wrestling and holds, I'm no match for SB. Good thing that's not all there is to NAPW wrestling. It can get a little more rough-and-tumble than that. And that's where I shine.
(Bruce flips the page, and there's scale drawings of Bruce and SB; the faces from the previous charts have been taped over the drawings. Bruce is obviously much bigger, even taking the cowboy hat out of the equation. Vital statistics are printed beside each drawing.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: In terms of height, I've got a bit more on him. A two inch height advantage isn't much to brag about, but if it gives me even another inch of reach, whether I'm grappling to put him up in the Torture Rack, or reaching for the ropes to get out of a Painkiller, I'll take any advantage I can get. When it comes to weight, I've got a good thirty-five pounds on him. (Taps his stomach.) Now, it's not all muscle - I've always had a healthy appetite - quite a bit of it is. Sure, being light on your feet might mean you can fly off those ropes with extra speed and height, but I can guarantee that my extra mass will do me wonders when I come down after a moonsault, and my additional muscle gives me the power I need for a Pump-Handle Throw. So, in physical terms, he's a little behind me. But there's one last part of the equation.
(Bruce flips the page one more time. There's a last chart, again in two columns, again with Bruce and SB's faces. Underneath Bruce's face, there are two dates. 10/03/06 and 01/13/07. Underneath SB...nothing.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: October Third. Lethal Lottery. The first time Bruce "The Beast" Richards and Simply Beautiful had gone head to head. True, it was in a tag team match, but no matter how you look at it, it's a win. January Thirteenth. In the semi-finals for the Hegstrand Cup, we met again. Another tag team match, another win. I know SB will probably come back with a "Well, Rod Hardway pinned me in the Lottery, and Bruce pinned Brian Bruno in the semi-finals, and if it was just he and the sexy one in a one-on-one contest there would be no DOUBT who would get the pin! Also, I'm awesome!"
TIFFANY: Sounds like something he'd say.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Nods.) He'd probably put it more eloquently than I could, and with a few more exclamation points. And all I can say is...prove it. Put a date in your column. I just don't see it coming. April Twenty-Fourth is going to go right here. (Points with his baton to a space right underneath 01/13/07.) I know he won't hold it against me; we've already discussed our situation when we started preparing for the A1E competition. No matter who wins, we know where we stand. Side by side. I just stand a little taller, that's all.
TIFFANY: You done? I have shoes awaiting.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Gee, hon, thank's for humouring me.
TIFFANY: (Pinches his cheek.) Any time. Now let's get a move on.
(Tiffany grabs his hand and pulls him along after her. The manager of the Lammle's store comes out and examines the signboard, then calls out after them.)
MANAGER: So, uh...you're just going to pick this up at the end of the day or something?
(Fade out.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: This place disgusts me. Well, perhaps "disgusts" is too harsh a word. It's just that every time I step into this giant shopping center, I get a little nauseous. It's not so much the people from around here that come here to shop; hell, I'm guilty of stepping into the HMV a time or two, or checking out the Chinese grocery store. It's more the people who come in from out of town, and the first thing they think of is The Mall. As if it's the only thing of interest in the city. As if it's got some kind of meaning. Newsflash, people: it's a big fricking mall. It's not any kind of cultural institution, or historical landmark, or even very pretty to look at. It's a big fricking mall. Empty of significance, empty of importance, empty of everything except commerce. It's bright and shiny but there's nothing of real substance. You want to know what it's like in West Edmonton Mall? Imagine your own mall in your home town, but with a few more malls attached to it. Also: a waterslide park and a shooting range, and a lame amusement park. You imagining that? You have that picture in your mind? You've JUST VISITED WEST EDMONTON MALL. And I've saved you the cost of a trip, not to mention the hassle of trying to find a parking spot. You're welcome.
(Bruce glances over into the store, where we see Tiffany ringing up her purchase at the counter.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You could say that the West Edmonton Mall is an analogy for Simply Beautiful. It's true, he's very flashy, and people certainly respond to his marketability and his reputation. It would be easy to assume that he's all style and no substance. So yes, you could say that he's just like West Edmonton Mall. But you'd be wrong. First of all, he won Sole Survivor, so he's not exactly a slouch in the wrestling department. Second of all, I chose to ally myself with him in the A1E Tag Team Tournament. True, it was partly to keep a nice shine on the good NAPW name after his partner dropped out, but I wouldn't have volunteered my services if I didn't think he had the drive and the ability. I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good judge of...well, if my past choices are any indication, not character. But a good judge of talent. And Simply Beautiful has talent, that's for sure. (Grins that wicked grin of his, where his eyes sparkle and he flashes a little of his teeth.) But then again, so do I.
(Tiffany pops up behind him and flashes her little white bag at him.)
TIFFANY: All done!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Good. We done yet?
TIFFANY: No, we have a few more stores to stop at. Aldo has some great prices for shoes. (Notices the camera, which is a few feet away.) Oh, uh, hey Bob. (The camera nods, and Tiffany pulls Bruce aside and says in a quiet voice.) What's he doing here?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Look, if I'm going to follow you around shopping, I might as well get a little work done. It's called multitasking.
TIFFANY: (Looking a little put out, but nodding her head.) Fine. But next time, I want to discuss it first.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Do you mean "discuss" like "let's discuss this and come to a reasonable conclusion" or like "let's discuss the possibility of you taking me out shopping"?
TIFFANY: Don't. PUSH. Me.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, White Chocolate, whatever you say. (Tiffany blushes, then skips along beside Bruce as they move down the mallway.) So, I was just talking a little about Simply Beautiful.
TIFFANY: That guy's awesome! (Thinks for a second.) Wait a second. Is this for the NAPW match or the A1E match?
BRUCE RICHARDS: NAPW.
TIFFANY: That guy's going down!
BRUCE RICHARDS: You can't just dismiss him like that, Tiffany. He's got a lot going for him.
TIFFANY: Well, so do you.
BRUCE RICHARDS: That's true. (Scratches his chin thoughtfully.) If there was only a way I could compare and contrast our various strengths.
TIFFANY: Wait a second...
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Snaps his fingers.) Hold on! There is a way I can do that!
TIFFANY: You don't mean...
(Bruce and the cameraman stop outside Lammle's Western Wear, where an easel and paper have been set up. The front page says "Bruce Richards vs. Simply Beautiful: A Tale in Three Charts.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: As you can see, I've prepared some charts that should shed some light on the subject.
TIFFANY: (Gritting her teeth.) You had this planned the whole time?
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Smiling as he pulls out his baton.) Why do you think I agreed to our little "discussion" so quickly? (Turning to the charts.) There are a couple of things that SB and I have in common, so let's get those out of the way first. (He flips over the first sheet, which is a tally chart with a picture of The Beast's scowling face in one column and SB's cocky grin in the other.) First of all, the matter of former championships. As we all know, Simply Beautiful is a former NAPW Pure Honour Champion. I'm a former five-time NAPW Tag Team Champion. So we both have that going for us. Second of all, title shots. I've still got my title shot from the BattleBowl back in October, while SB just got his at SoleSur II. So far, so evenly matched. But here's where things break down.
BRUCE RICHARDS: SB's got a few things on me. He's certainly prettier than I am. (Shrugs.) I'm not being self-deprecating, it's just fact. He's got a face like an angel, and he's certainly got more muscle definition than I do.
TIFFANY: It's really true. You could bounce a loonie off that butt!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Thanks for the help, hon.
TIFFANY: (Sweetly.) Any time.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Sighs.) So even though he's got the moves and the looks, it's not going to get him much of an advantage in the ring, unless you count a few more dozen women screaming out his name when he goes up for the New York Nightmare than I get when I'm about to end it all with a Chart Attack. Good thing that's not all he's got going for him. SB's also a much better technical wrestler than I am. I was never one for the perfectly executed suplex or the unbreakable arm-lock; I'm more of a catch-as-catch-can guy. But if it comes down to mat wrestling and holds, I'm no match for SB. Good thing that's not all there is to NAPW wrestling. It can get a little more rough-and-tumble than that. And that's where I shine.
(Bruce flips the page, and there's scale drawings of Bruce and SB; the faces from the previous charts have been taped over the drawings. Bruce is obviously much bigger, even taking the cowboy hat out of the equation. Vital statistics are printed beside each drawing.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: In terms of height, I've got a bit more on him. A two inch height advantage isn't much to brag about, but if it gives me even another inch of reach, whether I'm grappling to put him up in the Torture Rack, or reaching for the ropes to get out of a Painkiller, I'll take any advantage I can get. When it comes to weight, I've got a good thirty-five pounds on him. (Taps his stomach.) Now, it's not all muscle - I've always had a healthy appetite - quite a bit of it is. Sure, being light on your feet might mean you can fly off those ropes with extra speed and height, but I can guarantee that my extra mass will do me wonders when I come down after a moonsault, and my additional muscle gives me the power I need for a Pump-Handle Throw. So, in physical terms, he's a little behind me. But there's one last part of the equation.
(Bruce flips the page one more time. There's a last chart, again in two columns, again with Bruce and SB's faces. Underneath Bruce's face, there are two dates. 10/03/06 and 01/13/07. Underneath SB...nothing.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: October Third. Lethal Lottery. The first time Bruce "The Beast" Richards and Simply Beautiful had gone head to head. True, it was in a tag team match, but no matter how you look at it, it's a win. January Thirteenth. In the semi-finals for the Hegstrand Cup, we met again. Another tag team match, another win. I know SB will probably come back with a "Well, Rod Hardway pinned me in the Lottery, and Bruce pinned Brian Bruno in the semi-finals, and if it was just he and the sexy one in a one-on-one contest there would be no DOUBT who would get the pin! Also, I'm awesome!"
TIFFANY: Sounds like something he'd say.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Nods.) He'd probably put it more eloquently than I could, and with a few more exclamation points. And all I can say is...prove it. Put a date in your column. I just don't see it coming. April Twenty-Fourth is going to go right here. (Points with his baton to a space right underneath 01/13/07.) I know he won't hold it against me; we've already discussed our situation when we started preparing for the A1E competition. No matter who wins, we know where we stand. Side by side. I just stand a little taller, that's all.
TIFFANY: You done? I have shoes awaiting.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Gee, hon, thank's for humouring me.
TIFFANY: (Pinches his cheek.) Any time. Now let's get a move on.
(Tiffany grabs his hand and pulls him along after her. The manager of the Lammle's store comes out and examines the signboard, then calls out after them.)
MANAGER: So, uh...you're just going to pick this up at the end of the day or something?
(Fade out.)