Post by Bruce "The Beast" Richards on Apr 15, 2007 16:35:12 GMT -5
(We start off with a number countdown, like you'd see at the beginning of an old film reel. Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, beep. Then, a shot of the skyline of downtown Edmonton shot with Super-Eight film; light-saturated and hazy, panning slowly from West to East.)
NARRATOR: The city. The site of a hundred thousand stories. The place where dreams come true. Only some dreams...are nightmares!
(Quick zoom in and we settle in on an establishing shot of an old church. Cut to the inside of the church, where a man in a black suit and a red mohawk is standing at the pulpit. Not exactly Deacon Damned, but Decapitator Axe doing a reasonable facsimile.)
DEACON: The time has come! (Sound effect of a crowd cheering.) Our dark saviour has commanded it! (He gestures to a man in the shadows wearing a long wig. It's a bad wig.) His sins will wipe this city clean! His vices are the vices of the world! His word is the word of all! (The figure in the shadows chuckles.)
NARRATOR: When dark forces threaten the city...
(The camera cuts to a female mannequin that has black bars over her swimsuit area.)
DEACON: Take the woman!
(The camera cuts to a mannequin wearing a cowboy hat and an "I've Prepared Some Charts" t-shirt.)
DEACON: Take the man!
(The deacon raises his hands and a bright orange light illuminates him from beneath.)
DEACON: Take them all!
NARRATOR: ...there's only one person who can wash them all away!
(Cut to Bruce Richards's apartment. A harsh guitar chord. A shot of black leather boots. Guitar chord again. A shot of a black gloved hand reaching for some sunglasses. Guitar chord once again. The gloved hand reaches for a black coat. One final guitar chord. Cut to the door.)
NARRATOR: She's hot!
(Tiffany walks through the door in a white tank top, a short blue skirt, and black boots, with sunglasses and a black coat. Her blonde hair falls around her head in big 70s ringlets.)
NARRATOR: She's tough!
(Tiffany strikes a match on her face and lights a cigarette with it.)
NARRATOR: She's sweet!
(Tiffany blows the camera a kiss, then shoots a sultry look over the top rims of her sunglasses.)
NARRATOR: She's...White Chocolate!
("White Chocolate" flashes on the screen in big red letters.)
NARRATOR: Starring Tiffany McIntyre as...White Chocolate!
(Tiffany poses for the camera. Red letters. "White Chocolate." Sound of a whip cracking. Cue the seventies funk music. Cut to Bruce Richards and Bill Fleming arguing in Bruce's office. Bruce is FUMING, and Bill Fleming is yammering like an idiot.)
NARRATOR: They thought they could get to him through her. But she's got more power than a caged beast.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh, I am just SO ANGRY!
BILL FLEMING: N-n-now Bruce, j-j-j-just calm down and we'll talk about this...
BRUCE RICHARDS: No! I am ANGRY! That Sebastien Martyr has threatened my poor, defenseless woman, driving me into a MADDENING RAGE!
(Bruce picks up his computer monitor and heaves it out the open window. Cut to Bill Fleming, wiping persperation off his forehead.)
BILL FLEMING: This isn't healthy, Bruce.
(Close-up of Bruce Richards, really chewing the scenery.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm so FURIOUS I could just SNAP! SO ANGRY! I'm going to charge HEADLONG towards that bastard and damn the consequences!
TIFFANY: Hold up, sugar. (Cut to Tiffany, striking a pose in the doorway. She walks up to both men.) They called me out, I'll take care of it.
NARRATOR: But watch out for her kisses...she'll give you a toothache!
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Foaming at the mouth.) But Martyr's sent his army of goth sluts after you! There's no way you can--
TIFFANY: (She puts her finger on his lips.) I said I'll take care of it. You better not make me tell you a third time. Besides, you have two other people to worry about.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Who?
BILL FLEMING: SB? "The Ego Buster"?
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Snaps his fingers.) Oh right! In my BLIND RAGE I had forgotten all about them!
BILL FLEMING: So had everyone else. (Winks.)
TIFFANY: You worry about them first. I'll take care of my own business, baby. Now, give momma something to remember you by. (She gives Bruce a big kiss, then walks out the door.)
BILL FLEMING: Don't you think...?
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Staring out the window.) She can take care of herself.
(Cut to Tiffany in a white 1973 Cadillac El Dorado. She flips down the sun visor and peels out of the parking lot.)
NARRATOR: Alone against an army of brainwashed gothic femministas who live only for one thing...LUST!
(A half-dozen women in black clothes and dyed black hair run down an alley after Tiffany's car. They've got glazed eyes like zombies but they're fast.)
MARTYRETTES: The girl must die for his sins! All glory to St. Martyr!
(Tiffany comes up against a dead end. She looks in the rear-view; the women keep coming. A quick zoom in on her eyes, which are hard and determined. She slams the car in reverse, and the women scream and start running away. They burst from the alley and Tiffany peels out and shifts gears, chasing them down the street.)
NARRATOR: When someone threatens her, she takes it personally. When someone threatens her man, she takes it EXTRA personally.
(Tiffany chases one girl in particular; she spills a garbage can out but Tiffany drives right over it and keeps on going. The girl trips and falls, and tiffany SCREEECHES to a halt, inches away from the prone girl. Tiffany jumps out over the windscreen, leaps off the hood, and tackles the girl as she tries to run away.)
MARTYRETTE: I'll never tell you anything!
(Tiffany slaps her in the face.)
MARTYRETTE: I'll tell you everything!
(Tiffany slaps her again.)
TIFFANY: You bet your sweet ass you will.
NARRATOR: And when she takes things personally...she MAKES things personally!
(Back to the church. The Deacon is ranting and spitting.)
DEACON: Where is she?! WHERE IS TIFFANY?!?!
(The doors to the Church break down and Tiffany is standing in a halo of light.)
TIFFANY: I'm right here, mister. Come and get a taste.
(The congregation rushes Tiffany, but she pushes a pew over and creates a barrier, then she rushes up the side of the aisle and comes face-to-face with the Deacon.)
DEACON: You're in a world of trouble, sweetheart.
TIFFANY: You first, reverend.
(Tiffany kicks him in the face and he stumbles backwards into a table full of lit candles...WHICH EXPLODES!)
TIFFANY: (Striking a particularly sexy pose.) Looks like the deacon went up in smoke!
(The shadowy figure leaps towards her, but she ducks and he flies over her head. In the light, we can see that it's Diamond in a bad wig. The congregation stands up behind him. He gestures at Tiffany and the women go crazy!)
MARTYRETTES: We will destroy you!
(BOOM! Cut to Bruce Richards and Bill Fleming - with Barbie - who are standing in the doorway, having just kicked the doors down...again.)
TIFFANY: I thought I told you to deal with your own business!
BRUCE RICHARDS: I took care of those two. Now it's just time for me to put him down. Besides, I figured you might need a little backup.
TIFFANY: (Smiling.) You son of a bitch.
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Raising his hands to the sky.) GET HER!
(Bruce rushes Diamond and spears him out of his shoes, then sets him up for a Chart Attack. Tiffany leaps into the crowd of women in a suicide plancha, just as Bill Fleming lifts his bat up to strike the Deacon, who's slowly getting to his feet.)
NARRATOR: Don't send a woman...to do White Chocolate's job!
(Cut to Tiffany on the top of a dumpster, surrounded by Martyr's army of women. She does a sweep kick, planting her boot in all of their faces.)
NARRATOR: Fighting!
TIFFANY: You girls forgot to take out the trash!
(Cut to Tiffany peeling down the street in her El Dorado, a having a fist fight with Martyr follower who's on the hood.)
NARRATOR: Racing!
TIFFANY: Quit! (Punch.) Scuffing! (Punch.) My! (Punch.) PAINT JOB!
(Cut to Tiffany in just a sexy red teddy, crawling out of bed and reaching for a robe, while Bruce lies there, exhausted.)
NARRATOR: Loving!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Damn, girl! That was amazing!
TIFFANY: I know it was! Now what's this I hear about a letter from Amy?
(Bruce looks in the camera, wide-eyed and open mouthed.)
NARRATOR: When you mess with White Chocolate...
(Cut to Tiffany punching some random biker in the face; "White Chocolate!" appears on the screen, like from the 60s Batman series.)
NARRATOR: ...you get the horns!
(Cut to Tiffany, stepping into a shower stall; red blood pours off her body.)
NARRATOR: Salty yet sweet; hard yet soft; firm yet yeilding to the touch.
(Cut to Tiffany, throwing Diamond into a crowd of women by his hair.)
NARRATOR: She is...WHITE CHOCOLATE!
(White Chocolate titles appear on the same shot of downtown Edmonton.)
Tiffany McIntyre as White Chocolate
Bill Fleming as The Fleminator
Decapitator Axe as The Deacon
Decapitator Diamond as The Shadowy Figure
Mickey Rourke as The Biker
and Bruce Richards as Himself
Directed by Bruce Richards
COMING SOON!
(Fade out.)
NARRATOR: The city. The site of a hundred thousand stories. The place where dreams come true. Only some dreams...are nightmares!
(Quick zoom in and we settle in on an establishing shot of an old church. Cut to the inside of the church, where a man in a black suit and a red mohawk is standing at the pulpit. Not exactly Deacon Damned, but Decapitator Axe doing a reasonable facsimile.)
DEACON: The time has come! (Sound effect of a crowd cheering.) Our dark saviour has commanded it! (He gestures to a man in the shadows wearing a long wig. It's a bad wig.) His sins will wipe this city clean! His vices are the vices of the world! His word is the word of all! (The figure in the shadows chuckles.)
NARRATOR: When dark forces threaten the city...
(The camera cuts to a female mannequin that has black bars over her swimsuit area.)
DEACON: Take the woman!
(The camera cuts to a mannequin wearing a cowboy hat and an "I've Prepared Some Charts" t-shirt.)
DEACON: Take the man!
(The deacon raises his hands and a bright orange light illuminates him from beneath.)
DEACON: Take them all!
NARRATOR: ...there's only one person who can wash them all away!
(Cut to Bruce Richards's apartment. A harsh guitar chord. A shot of black leather boots. Guitar chord again. A shot of a black gloved hand reaching for some sunglasses. Guitar chord once again. The gloved hand reaches for a black coat. One final guitar chord. Cut to the door.)
NARRATOR: She's hot!
(Tiffany walks through the door in a white tank top, a short blue skirt, and black boots, with sunglasses and a black coat. Her blonde hair falls around her head in big 70s ringlets.)
NARRATOR: She's tough!
(Tiffany strikes a match on her face and lights a cigarette with it.)
NARRATOR: She's sweet!
(Tiffany blows the camera a kiss, then shoots a sultry look over the top rims of her sunglasses.)
NARRATOR: She's...White Chocolate!
("White Chocolate" flashes on the screen in big red letters.)
NARRATOR: Starring Tiffany McIntyre as...White Chocolate!
(Tiffany poses for the camera. Red letters. "White Chocolate." Sound of a whip cracking. Cue the seventies funk music. Cut to Bruce Richards and Bill Fleming arguing in Bruce's office. Bruce is FUMING, and Bill Fleming is yammering like an idiot.)
NARRATOR: They thought they could get to him through her. But she's got more power than a caged beast.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh, I am just SO ANGRY!
BILL FLEMING: N-n-now Bruce, j-j-j-just calm down and we'll talk about this...
BRUCE RICHARDS: No! I am ANGRY! That Sebastien Martyr has threatened my poor, defenseless woman, driving me into a MADDENING RAGE!
(Bruce picks up his computer monitor and heaves it out the open window. Cut to Bill Fleming, wiping persperation off his forehead.)
BILL FLEMING: This isn't healthy, Bruce.
(Close-up of Bruce Richards, really chewing the scenery.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm so FURIOUS I could just SNAP! SO ANGRY! I'm going to charge HEADLONG towards that bastard and damn the consequences!
TIFFANY: Hold up, sugar. (Cut to Tiffany, striking a pose in the doorway. She walks up to both men.) They called me out, I'll take care of it.
NARRATOR: But watch out for her kisses...she'll give you a toothache!
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Foaming at the mouth.) But Martyr's sent his army of goth sluts after you! There's no way you can--
TIFFANY: (She puts her finger on his lips.) I said I'll take care of it. You better not make me tell you a third time. Besides, you have two other people to worry about.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Who?
BILL FLEMING: SB? "The Ego Buster"?
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Snaps his fingers.) Oh right! In my BLIND RAGE I had forgotten all about them!
BILL FLEMING: So had everyone else. (Winks.)
TIFFANY: You worry about them first. I'll take care of my own business, baby. Now, give momma something to remember you by. (She gives Bruce a big kiss, then walks out the door.)
BILL FLEMING: Don't you think...?
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Staring out the window.) She can take care of herself.
(Cut to Tiffany in a white 1973 Cadillac El Dorado. She flips down the sun visor and peels out of the parking lot.)
NARRATOR: Alone against an army of brainwashed gothic femministas who live only for one thing...LUST!
(A half-dozen women in black clothes and dyed black hair run down an alley after Tiffany's car. They've got glazed eyes like zombies but they're fast.)
MARTYRETTES: The girl must die for his sins! All glory to St. Martyr!
(Tiffany comes up against a dead end. She looks in the rear-view; the women keep coming. A quick zoom in on her eyes, which are hard and determined. She slams the car in reverse, and the women scream and start running away. They burst from the alley and Tiffany peels out and shifts gears, chasing them down the street.)
NARRATOR: When someone threatens her, she takes it personally. When someone threatens her man, she takes it EXTRA personally.
(Tiffany chases one girl in particular; she spills a garbage can out but Tiffany drives right over it and keeps on going. The girl trips and falls, and tiffany SCREEECHES to a halt, inches away from the prone girl. Tiffany jumps out over the windscreen, leaps off the hood, and tackles the girl as she tries to run away.)
MARTYRETTE: I'll never tell you anything!
(Tiffany slaps her in the face.)
MARTYRETTE: I'll tell you everything!
(Tiffany slaps her again.)
TIFFANY: You bet your sweet ass you will.
NARRATOR: And when she takes things personally...she MAKES things personally!
(Back to the church. The Deacon is ranting and spitting.)
DEACON: Where is she?! WHERE IS TIFFANY?!?!
(The doors to the Church break down and Tiffany is standing in a halo of light.)
TIFFANY: I'm right here, mister. Come and get a taste.
(The congregation rushes Tiffany, but she pushes a pew over and creates a barrier, then she rushes up the side of the aisle and comes face-to-face with the Deacon.)
DEACON: You're in a world of trouble, sweetheart.
TIFFANY: You first, reverend.
(Tiffany kicks him in the face and he stumbles backwards into a table full of lit candles...WHICH EXPLODES!)
TIFFANY: (Striking a particularly sexy pose.) Looks like the deacon went up in smoke!
(The shadowy figure leaps towards her, but she ducks and he flies over her head. In the light, we can see that it's Diamond in a bad wig. The congregation stands up behind him. He gestures at Tiffany and the women go crazy!)
MARTYRETTES: We will destroy you!
(BOOM! Cut to Bruce Richards and Bill Fleming - with Barbie - who are standing in the doorway, having just kicked the doors down...again.)
TIFFANY: I thought I told you to deal with your own business!
BRUCE RICHARDS: I took care of those two. Now it's just time for me to put him down. Besides, I figured you might need a little backup.
TIFFANY: (Smiling.) You son of a bitch.
SHADOWY FIGURE: (Raising his hands to the sky.) GET HER!
(Bruce rushes Diamond and spears him out of his shoes, then sets him up for a Chart Attack. Tiffany leaps into the crowd of women in a suicide plancha, just as Bill Fleming lifts his bat up to strike the Deacon, who's slowly getting to his feet.)
NARRATOR: Don't send a woman...to do White Chocolate's job!
(Cut to Tiffany on the top of a dumpster, surrounded by Martyr's army of women. She does a sweep kick, planting her boot in all of their faces.)
NARRATOR: Fighting!
TIFFANY: You girls forgot to take out the trash!
(Cut to Tiffany peeling down the street in her El Dorado, a having a fist fight with Martyr follower who's on the hood.)
NARRATOR: Racing!
TIFFANY: Quit! (Punch.) Scuffing! (Punch.) My! (Punch.) PAINT JOB!
(Cut to Tiffany in just a sexy red teddy, crawling out of bed and reaching for a robe, while Bruce lies there, exhausted.)
NARRATOR: Loving!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Damn, girl! That was amazing!
TIFFANY: I know it was! Now what's this I hear about a letter from Amy?
(Bruce looks in the camera, wide-eyed and open mouthed.)
NARRATOR: When you mess with White Chocolate...
(Cut to Tiffany punching some random biker in the face; "White Chocolate!" appears on the screen, like from the 60s Batman series.)
NARRATOR: ...you get the horns!
(Cut to Tiffany, stepping into a shower stall; red blood pours off her body.)
NARRATOR: Salty yet sweet; hard yet soft; firm yet yeilding to the touch.
(Cut to Tiffany, throwing Diamond into a crowd of women by his hair.)
NARRATOR: She is...WHITE CHOCOLATE!
(White Chocolate titles appear on the same shot of downtown Edmonton.)
Tiffany McIntyre as White Chocolate
Bill Fleming as The Fleminator
Decapitator Axe as The Deacon
Decapitator Diamond as The Shadowy Figure
Mickey Rourke as The Biker
and Bruce Richards as Himself
Directed by Bruce Richards
COMING SOON!
(Fade out.)