A D-X PSA: Aggravated Assault

[Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL]]

(Scene: A local park. Two kids, about the age of 11 or so, are pushing around a smaller boy.)

BILLY: C'mon, Jack, give us your lunch money.

JACK (the smaller boy): No! Stop it!

CURTIS: Little Jackie, why won't you play along with us?

JACK: It's my money! I need to buy lunch too!

(Billy pushes Jack to the ground.)

JACK: Ow! You guys are mean! Go away!

CURTIS: Then give us the money. And we'll simply go away.

JACK: One day someone's going to stand up to you bullies!

BILLY: Yeah? Like who?

(A large hand comes down on Billy's shoulder.)

VOICE: Like me.

(Billy, Curtis and Jack look up. Towering above them is none other than...)

BOYS: THE NEW AND IMPROVED D-X!

KYLE ROBERTS: That's right, kids. (looks up from the children to the camera) Hi. I'm Kyle Roberts, one half of the once and future NAPW tag team champs, the New and Improved D-X. (focuses on the kids once again) And my partner, Bruce "The Beast" Richards and I want to talk to you about fighting.

BRUCE RICHARDS: (takes his hand off Billy's shoulder) You see, kids, we make our living fighting people in the ring. But once it LEAVES the ring, that's a completely different matter.

KYLE ROBERTS: Once you start beating people up on the street, you're wandering into some dangerous legal territory.

BILLY: Oh yeah? Ravager beats people up all the time!

KYLE ROBERTS: I know, Billy. And that's fine if he's throwing someone through a pane of glass in the squared circle. It's what we in the industry call a "hardcore match."

BRUCE RICHARDS: If he does it on Whyte Avenue, far away from the arena we fight it, there's a different word for it: Aggravated assault.

CURTIS: What about Street Fight matches?

KYLE ROBERTS: What?

CURTIS: Street fights happen outside of the ring.

JACK: Or Falls Count Everywhere!

KYLE ROBERTS: (massaging his temple) Look, kids. There's a point we're trying to make here.

BRUCE RICHARDS: And that is, if a fight occurs OUTSIDE the conventions of a boxing match, or a wrestling match...

BILLY: What about Mixed Martial Arts?

BRUCE RICHARDS: OR Mixed Martial Arts, then somebody beating up somebody else is a CRIME.

KYLE ROBERTS: And bullying is definitely getting to be a serious problem. Some bullies who don't get help end up bullying people for the rest of their lives. Like our good friend Bob Ravager.

CURTIS: Weren't you guys bullies?

KYLE ROBERTS: What? No!

CURTIS: But you gang up and beat the everliving crap out of people all the time!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Only within the confines of the storyline that NAPW sets out for us. Only within the context of our characters.

BILLY: You were bullying Kyle Roberts about getting the match against the Decapitators thrown out.

KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, did anyone put you little bastards up to this? Are you being paid by the Dudes? Or Rex Caliber and Static?

JACK: Hey, do you know Rex Caliber? Can you get his autograph for us?

KYLE ROBERTS: WHAT? NO!

JACK: Aw, why not?

KYLE ROBERTS: Look, we're going to kick his ass, what's why! You don't go up to the guy you're going to beat up and say to him, "Hey, Rex, I was on the street stopping some bullies and they wanted to say how big fans they were of yours." That just doesn't happen.

JACK: But I'm not the bully.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Do you kids mind if we get back on topic?

CURTIS: What's the deal with Coach Jago? Can he actually talk?

BILLY: Do you know the Undertaker???

KYLE ROBERTS: Look! That's it! We were trying to talk about a very serious subject here, and all you kids are doing is derailing our rant! That's it! We're outta here!

(Kyle Roberts storms off, Bruce Richards in tow.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: The next time we decide to do this, we really should hire actors.

KYLE ROBERTS: I hear that.