Good guys for dummies

[Rotten]

"When life gives you lemons... Make Lemonade."

~Author Unknown

Screw that...

"When life gives you lemons... Find someone you don't like and squirt them in the eye.

~Jeff Fox

[Fox production promo]

[Fade into a shot of Jeff Fox sitting in a Best Western Hotel room. Looking out the window he can see both Nait, and the Kingsway Mall.]

Fox: So Johnny's not here today... [Muttering] Probably banging my sister... and that's alright. I wanted the camera on me today. I want it on me, because I want to clear up some misconceptions... [Thinks about the word.] Misconception might not be the right word. It's more like the twisting of words. See I know why the Untouchables picked up Jay O'Brien... It's all about the common denominator. They all share the same attributes... They're cocky, conceited, devious, and they all possess the ability to twist words so that their opponents look weak. Seriously... Shed 100 lbs off of Castle and you got freakin O'Brien. O'Brien twisted things with the whole Jaysen versus Johnny thing, and now Kurt Castle is turning a stomach ache into Johnny Rotten's excuse for losing even before the match has taken place. [Throws both of his hands in the air.] Like the kid would ever make an excuse. At Cold Snap, Jay O'Brien by hook or by crook, beat my man Johnny... Did you hear him whine. Did you see him flag down the referee and try and get the official to reverse the decision. [Pause] No.

[Jeff starts moving as he talks, but with the limited space in his hotel room he does little more than a spin around.]

Fox: I wish he would have... I mean we all seen last week how fast Jay O'Brien was to make excuses. But Johnny Rotten isn't like that... He picked himself up, dusted himself off, and then looked to his match the following week. [Smile] Which he won. The Untouchables will want you to believe that Johnny was given a gift... And you know what he was. But if you think for a second that it was Untouchable's generosity, then your Cukoo for Coco Puffs. Johnny got that shot because he beat Jeff James and Jay O'Brien, both who at the time of the match were number one contenders for NAPW Championships.

[Jeff pulls a pack of Player's from the inside of his sport's jacket and lights up a cigarette.]

[Inhale, Exhale.]

Fox: Kurt Castle... You go off about how Johnny is scared of you. You go off about how Johnny Rotten is jealous of you... And you go off about how Johnny wants to get in the ring and prove that Kurt Castle ain't shit. I mean that is what you said isn't it... I don't want you coming back and accussing Jeff Fox of being a word twister. [One finger] Johnny isn't scared... I'll be the first to admit that he's probably got a good case of the butterflies... But who wouldn't. I mean come on really, come next Tuesday he could be the next NAPW Provincial Champion. What's not to get excited about. [Two Fingers] Jealous... Please, Johnny is doing it his way. He doesn't need three other guys... Mooks as you would say to help him fight his battles. Does he covet that title belt around your waist... Hell yeah. But he won't have to worry about that after Tuesday night now will he. [Three fingers] I want to get this one right...

[Jeff grabs the remote which was laying on the bed. He hits play and the camera switches to a pre-recorded Kurt Castle promo.]

KC: Johnny, you’re nothing but a kid with a pipe dream. Just like Tommy Deathrow was, and just like Brian Bruno was. I hear the same shit out of you people over and over again. All I hear is “I want to be the Provincial Champion”. “I want to get in the ring and prove that Kurt Castle aint shit”. “This is my chance to show the world my true worth”. God, I get sick and tired of that shit.

[Jeff ends the Kurt Castle promo with a click of the remote.]

Fox: I want to get in the ring and prove that Kurt Castle aint shit... [Loud voice] WRONG..!!!

[Smile]

Fox: We both think your shit... Why would we want to prove otherwise.

[Jeff tosses the remote back on the bed.]

[Inhale, Exhale.]

Fox: And finally, my last point which should be cleared. Are we the good guys... Or are we the bad guys.

[Jeff shakes his head, and you can tell this part is paining him.]

Fox: [Sighing] We're good guys.

[Fade]

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How to be a Good Guy for Dummies volume 1:

Narrator: Now normally the narration is usually handled by what we like to call Johnny's inner voice. As Johnny is absent today, I was brought in to help out. Now I know what your thinking... Just use Jeff Fox's inner voice. Can you hear the sound of the brakes squeeling. It would be nothing but flatulence and sexual innuendo. Ergo, here I am to make sure that most if not all of this promo remains uncensored. Infact for the sake of public viewing we are going to turn Jeff's mic off.

[Fade up to the same scene as in the promo. Jeff's hotel room. Fox sits at a desk with a book in front of him, and a pad of paper to the right. With pen in hand he jots down notes as he flips through the pages.]

Narrator: What are you reading Jeff.

[Jeff turns and open his mouth but nothing comes out. He smiles and holds up the book. "How to be a Good Guy for Dummies."]

Narrator: Nice... Turning over a new leaf is very admirable Jeff... Thumbs up all around.

[Jeff nods.]

Chapter 1: Talking

Narrator: Rule number one of being a nice guy says if you can't say something nice about a person, you shouldn't say anything at all. Also Jeff... Lying is bad, you should do that either.

[Jeff points at himself, and then with a look of guilt, he shakes his head denying everything.]

Narrator: [Fatherly tone] Jeffrey...

[Jeff shrugs his shoulders and then finally admits the truth and nods.]

Narrator: So no more lying... And no slandering.

[Jeff smiles, and then nods. From behind you can see Jeff crossing his index and middle finger.]

Chapter 2: Cheating

Narrator: Distracting the referee, Slipping foriegn objects in to the ring, and disobeying the rules is not part of the game.

[Jeff screws up his face, and tries without speaking to make a case for cheating.]

Narrator: No it's not Jeffrey... If you want to be a good guy, your going to have to learn to follow the rules.

[Jeff snaps his fingers and hangs his head. This was going to be harder than he thought.]

Chapter 3: Personal Hygiene

Narrator: Showering is essential... Good guys never smell. Flatulence is bad too, and should never be done even if for comedic reasons.

[Jeff mouths the words "Say What" and then makes the pistol fingers as he pulls the trigger.]

Narrator: Sorry Jeff, farting is wrong even if you can do it while making gun sound effects.

[Jeff mouths something that look like (BLEEP) me, but luckily Narrator is quick with the censor button.]

Narrator: So Jeff... Follow these three steps and you will be well on your way to becomming a good guy.

[Jeff gives a double Thumbs up.]

Narrator: Great... I knew you could do it.

[End]

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[Jeff continues to stay in his thumbs up pose. He looks like a balloon ready to pop... And then finally against his will, both of his index fingers extend. The thumbs come down and we end this skit in true Fox fashion.]

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP