Post by Chris Casino on Feb 22, 2007 0:00:15 GMT -5
"Oh how I do love to fool those stupid Canadians. This past week I masterminded an incredible coup in recruiting Jay O' Brien into The Untouchables. As an added bonus I ended the career of that traitor Evan Cartwright once and for all. With all of the bodies The Untouchables are sending to the hospitals maybe they can qualify for a group rate or something. I hope Rex is enjoying his stay as CEO of NAPW. He's doing a masterful job at keeping things under control. Under his watch we've laid out The Doomriders, crippled Evan Cartwright and stole one of the best new stars in NAPW history. Way to keep your eye on the ball Sexy Rexy. But enough of that, I have more pressing matters to attend to. Namely...How to get out of my marriage."
Our favorite dick head, Chris Casino is sitting in his media room looking over tapes of previous Jeff James matches. Thus far he's managed to only fall asleep twice. Not bad considering he's watched three entire matches from the former Television Champion. Casino is dressed in the new black and red Untouchables hoodie (now available at ChrisCasino.com) and a pair of faded blue jeans. The Pure Honor championship lays draped over a nearby chair. If you look close you can still see the word "Kiniski" on one of the championship plates.
Casino: I don't get it. Why all the fuss over this Jeff James guy? I mean sure he held the television title for like a year but to be honest? I bet only Jeff, his immediate family and two thirds of his fan club knew that title even existed. Look who has the title now, Nightmare for God's sake! They might as well rename the television belt the "I suck" championship and move on. As if that wasn't enough, Jeff James lost at the last Tuesday Night Fights! How the Hell does he get a shot at my title?
Casino: Jeff, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all but you're simply not in my league. Let's look at your title reign and then look at mine shall we? Since I won the Pure Honor Title I've beaten a former two time Heavyweight Champion, a former Provincial champion, a former Pure Honor Champion and one of those Kurtis kids. Okay so the Kurtis title defense isn't something to brag about but I still whipped his ass like he stole from me. Now let's take a peek at your title run shall we?
Casino: You beat some retard called The Yellow Chicken, both of the Kurtis boys, Nightmare and two other mooks who don't even deserve to be mentioned. Now, I'm not a genius but I would have to think that even someone as slow as you could see that my level of competition has been significantly tougher than yours. What's worse, you lost the title to Prince Draino while I near the three month mark for my championship run.
Casino shakes his head. Kids these days.
Casino: But he we are, a week away from you getting a shot at NAPW gold once more. As you know, I'm more than a little familiar with odds. So let's put this match into perspective. The odds on you beating me for the Pure Honor Championship are about 52 Million to one. No one expects you to win scout. Hell, they're already looking past this match as a forgone conclusion. How does that make you feel? What the fans are really salivating for is the totally unnecessary match between Tommy Deathrow and I. As for you and your chance to win gold? No one gives a damn.
Casino stands up and grabs his Pure Honor Title. He smiles at his own reflection and then drapes the belt over his right shoulder.
Casino: Jeffrey, I am the greatest technical wrestler in NAPW history. I have yet to be pinned or made to submit in singles competition since my return to NAPW three months ago. Do you, with your boring promos and weak ring skills, honestly belive you're the man to stop me? If you do then I would suggest you put down the crack pipe and step away slowly. I'm Chris Casino and at Tuesday Night Fights I'm going to fu...
The door to the office suddenly flies open startling Casino.
Casino: What the (BLEEP)?
Raul Havok and Casino's new bride Monique have stormed into the room both talking at the same time. Loudly.
Havok: Look I told you twice lady....
Monique: Lady? I'm married to your boss, that makes me your boss you pudgy little man.
Casino: Uh...Excuse me?
Havok: I'll have you know that once we get back to the states that my client will have this sham of a marriage annulled and you'll be back working strip clubs my dear.
Bitch Slap.
Raul holds his face in both shock and pain. A big red hand print is forming on his flesh.
Monique: How dare you call me a stripper you pervert. I'll have you know that I've appeared in publications such as Victoria's Secrets, Maxim, Vibe and the most recent issue of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine!
Casino: Hellooooooooooo?
Havok: I bet you've been in gold diggers monthly also.
Monique raises a hand and Raul flinches.
Casino: (shouting) HELLO!!!
Havok and Monique stop and look at the befuddled Champ.
Casino: I'm workin' here. Raul, why is she here?
Monique: Why are you talking to me like I wasn't in the room?
Havok: She, uh, chartered a private plane up here. On your....
Monique: Our....
Havok: Expense account.
Casino looks from one person to another. Finally he lets out a sigh.
Casino: Out, both of you. I can't deal with this right now. I've got a title defense coming up.
Havok: Uh, there is something of great importance I need to tell you about your new...Wife.
Casino: Jesus Christ! Was she born a man?
Monique: Mother f**ker I know you just didn't ask him that! Don't expect me to be crawlin' in your bed tonight Mr. Man.
Havok: No she wasn't born a man.
Casino: Does she have any kind of diseases? Is she contagious?
Havok: No it's nothing like that boss, but she's....
Casino holds up a hand.
Casino: Then I don't care. Just leave me be and we'll talk about this later.
Havok looks like he wants to say something but an icy stare from Monique stops him. They both turn and leave the room.
Casino: Mom always said there would be days like this. (beat) But then again Mom was a showgirl.
Casino sighs and takes a seat on the sofa.
* cut to a commercial for the new Ravager action figure from ChrisCasino.com! Push a button and he lays down to do the j-o-b for ya! *
Casino's Base Of Operations. Canada.
Our favorite dick head, Chris Casino is sitting in his media room looking over tapes of previous Jeff James matches. Thus far he's managed to only fall asleep twice. Not bad considering he's watched three entire matches from the former Television Champion. Casino is dressed in the new black and red Untouchables hoodie (now available at ChrisCasino.com) and a pair of faded blue jeans. The Pure Honor championship lays draped over a nearby chair. If you look close you can still see the word "Kiniski" on one of the championship plates.
Casino: I don't get it. Why all the fuss over this Jeff James guy? I mean sure he held the television title for like a year but to be honest? I bet only Jeff, his immediate family and two thirds of his fan club knew that title even existed. Look who has the title now, Nightmare for God's sake! They might as well rename the television belt the "I suck" championship and move on. As if that wasn't enough, Jeff James lost at the last Tuesday Night Fights! How the Hell does he get a shot at my title?
Casino: Jeff, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all but you're simply not in my league. Let's look at your title reign and then look at mine shall we? Since I won the Pure Honor Title I've beaten a former two time Heavyweight Champion, a former Provincial champion, a former Pure Honor Champion and one of those Kurtis kids. Okay so the Kurtis title defense isn't something to brag about but I still whipped his ass like he stole from me. Now let's take a peek at your title run shall we?
Casino: You beat some retard called The Yellow Chicken, both of the Kurtis boys, Nightmare and two other mooks who don't even deserve to be mentioned. Now, I'm not a genius but I would have to think that even someone as slow as you could see that my level of competition has been significantly tougher than yours. What's worse, you lost the title to Prince Draino while I near the three month mark for my championship run.
Casino shakes his head. Kids these days.
Casino: But he we are, a week away from you getting a shot at NAPW gold once more. As you know, I'm more than a little familiar with odds. So let's put this match into perspective. The odds on you beating me for the Pure Honor Championship are about 52 Million to one. No one expects you to win scout. Hell, they're already looking past this match as a forgone conclusion. How does that make you feel? What the fans are really salivating for is the totally unnecessary match between Tommy Deathrow and I. As for you and your chance to win gold? No one gives a damn.
Casino stands up and grabs his Pure Honor Title. He smiles at his own reflection and then drapes the belt over his right shoulder.
Casino: Jeffrey, I am the greatest technical wrestler in NAPW history. I have yet to be pinned or made to submit in singles competition since my return to NAPW three months ago. Do you, with your boring promos and weak ring skills, honestly belive you're the man to stop me? If you do then I would suggest you put down the crack pipe and step away slowly. I'm Chris Casino and at Tuesday Night Fights I'm going to fu...
The door to the office suddenly flies open startling Casino.
Casino: What the (BLEEP)?
Raul Havok and Casino's new bride Monique have stormed into the room both talking at the same time. Loudly.
Havok: Look I told you twice lady....
Monique: Lady? I'm married to your boss, that makes me your boss you pudgy little man.
Casino: Uh...Excuse me?
Havok: I'll have you know that once we get back to the states that my client will have this sham of a marriage annulled and you'll be back working strip clubs my dear.
Bitch Slap.
Raul holds his face in both shock and pain. A big red hand print is forming on his flesh.
Monique: How dare you call me a stripper you pervert. I'll have you know that I've appeared in publications such as Victoria's Secrets, Maxim, Vibe and the most recent issue of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine!
Casino: Hellooooooooooo?
Havok: I bet you've been in gold diggers monthly also.
Monique raises a hand and Raul flinches.
Casino: (shouting) HELLO!!!
Havok and Monique stop and look at the befuddled Champ.
Casino: I'm workin' here. Raul, why is she here?
Monique: Why are you talking to me like I wasn't in the room?
Havok: She, uh, chartered a private plane up here. On your....
Monique: Our....
Havok: Expense account.
Casino looks from one person to another. Finally he lets out a sigh.
Casino: Out, both of you. I can't deal with this right now. I've got a title defense coming up.
Havok: Uh, there is something of great importance I need to tell you about your new...Wife.
Casino: Jesus Christ! Was she born a man?
Monique: Mother f**ker I know you just didn't ask him that! Don't expect me to be crawlin' in your bed tonight Mr. Man.
Havok: No she wasn't born a man.
Casino: Does she have any kind of diseases? Is she contagious?
Havok: No it's nothing like that boss, but she's....
Casino holds up a hand.
Casino: Then I don't care. Just leave me be and we'll talk about this later.
Havok looks like he wants to say something but an icy stare from Monique stops him. They both turn and leave the room.
Casino: Mom always said there would be days like this. (beat) But then again Mom was a showgirl.
Casino sighs and takes a seat on the sofa.
* cut to a commercial for the new Ravager action figure from ChrisCasino.com! Push a button and he lays down to do the j-o-b for ya! *