Post by KRENSHOV on Jan 28, 2007 15:56:03 GMT -5
We’ll kill you if we have to. If you two would fancy yourselves a career after Tuesday, don’t struggle. We’re called the Untouchables for a reason, because no one has anything on us. You honestly can’t touch us. You can try, but there is a consequence for every action.
The host bellows over a PA system, “It’s the Canadian Home Shopping Network, with your host, Dexter Stevenson!” The voice of a man obviously missing a chromosome cuts off as pre credits roll of producers and directors everyone could care less about on a backdrop with a Canadian flag and the Canadian Home Shopping Network logo. Fade to Dexter Stevenson, who’s rainbow aura really accentuates his sky blue cardigan sweater, and tight khaki pants. He’s overweight, and slightly bald, his thick framed glasses do him no help.
“Hey eeeveryone,” he gleefully said with all the heart of a teenage pop fan, “I’m Dexter Stevenson with the Canadian Home Shopping Network, and today is very special, as we’re selling some great collectables and valuables that are associated with the very local New Alberta Professional Wrestling. Not only that, but we have an even bigger surprise, as one of their superstars, Kenny Krenshov will be assisting me as I showcase the items for sale!” The camera pans out wide enough for both Dexter Stevenson and Kenny Krenshov are now viewable. Kenny sports a nice leather biker jacket with denim jeans and jet-black sunglasses. He hulks over the overweight flamer, as the host of the show looks slightly taken back by his massive size, “wow, they said you were big, but golllyyeee.”
Kenny stood like a stone—no expression even slightly cracked his demeanor.
“Well, let’s get right down to business, shall we?” Kenny shot him a look like, are you (BLEEP)ing kidding me? The chubby blue bunny waddles over to a table opposite of Kenny with a few items spread about. “First we have an item that has just hit the market, “The Lemondrop Kid” Loyd Rees’ action figure. Now you’ll be able to find this at several of your local markets in the near future, but we have it here first and you will be able to get it at a better deal here than anywhere else. Kenny, can you show them how it works?”
Already agitated, Kenny picked up the plastic look-alike and pressed the button located on the small of its back, I got crabs in my pants! Kenny cracked a grin, maybe this wouldn’t be that horrible after all.
“What did that toy just say?” The fat man looked puzzled, unsure of what to think.
Kenny didn’t reply, he just pressed the button again, I got crabs in my pants!
“Oh m-m-my!” Dexter looked as confused as a kitten in a barrel full of yarn. “Well, maybe we should have screened that before we advertised it… but if anyone is interested in this—special action figure of Loyd Rees, please call 1-800-CANADA-EH?.” Kenny pressed the button again and Dexter jumped at Kenny and yanked the toy out of Kenny’s hand and through it out of the cameras sight. “We-we-we should take a quick commercial break.”
Porky Pig couldn’t have done better.
COMMERCIAL: “GOT SAGGY BREASTS!? TRY PERKY JERKY, THE ONLY ORGANIC BEEF JERKEY THAT IS GUARANTEED TO PICK UP THE STEP OF YOUR SAG! Perky Jerky is recommended by one out of seventy-five Canadian Scientists, and has been proven to work 60% of the time, all the time. Get your Perky Jerky today! (Cut to a cow with firm utters giving a deep MOOOOOOOOO!)
“And we’re back folks, incase you were just tuning in, I’m here with professional wrestler Kenny Krenshov to try to sell you some real worthwhile collectables. Now before we move on to the next item, Kenny I understand that you have an important match coming up in the near future?”
Like he would know, he’s just being paid to say that. Kenny almost has to force himself to shamelessly plug the NAPW spectacular, “Yeah, me and my partner, Chris Casino, will be taking on the Doomriders in no-holds barred, falls count anywhere match at Cold Snap on February second.”
“No-holds barred? Does that mean you guys aren’t allowed to put each other in holds?”
Stupid. There is no other word to describe it, that was just stupid.
“No, it means we can do whatever we want, everything is legal. I also have a match this Tuesday, when I team up with my other partner, Kurt Castle, to take on Next Generation.”
“Well isn’t that just exciting!” Kenny wanted to punch him in the throat, but he held back. Getting deported from Canada again wasn’t exactly on his to-do list. “Ok, let’s move on to our next item for sale. This is a Pure Honor Championship belt replica, and it is complete with LED. Unfortunately it doesn’t come with the software to edit the message on the belt, nor does it come with any wires to hook up to your computer that is necessary for the editing. But I’m sure you can download something from the intraweb to help you out with that, and I’m told any PCI cables from 1985 will do for hooking up the belt to your computer. Oh, it also doesn’t come with the plutonium power pack necessary to retain the charge, but I hear there are some great steals from Iranian and North Korean manufacturers. So, if you want to use it, you have to have plug it directly into a 10000 Volt transformer, but it doesn’t come with the cable to do that either. Regardless of what it doesn’t come with, it’s still a great steal at only $700! Remember, if you’re interested in buying this, just call 1-800-CANADA-EH?”
If Kenny didn’t leave soon, he would be leaving eventually in handcuffs. This guys was the Mount Everest of annoying.
“Now onto a rather… interesting item up for sale, the sad remains of what is left of Bob Ravager’s career.” The tubby blue balloon held up an urn to show to the camera. “You can pretty much get this for um, a dollar? Oh wait, my producers are saying fifty cents instead of a dollar. I mean, this urn was definitely made of a fine tin. So pretty much you’re buying the urn when you purchase this, and whatever is inside is free.”
OK, that was funny. Kenny even chuckled.
“This next one, we expect to sell quickly. It’s a one of a kind…” Dexter pulls out a Canadian flag and hoists it up in the air. “This is the Canadian flag Kyle Roberts, one half of the tag team champions, wore to the ring on the last Tuesday Night Fights.”
That flag might have well been all red, and Kenny a bull. Like flicking a switch, Kenny went from composed to insane. He remembered how those wretch’s embarrassed his boss, the man he owed all of his success.
The beast ripped the flag from Dexter’s hands and wadded the flag up. He dug inside his front pockets and threw any change he could get a hold of on the table. “Consider this sold.”
“Well, you c-c-can’t do—“
”I can’t do what!?” Kenny’s roar sent the weeble-wobble into a crouch position. “All of these pricks want to embarrass Mr. Winchell, and why? All he wants is to run a wrestling organization professionally! This is twice now that a masked man has come after Mr. Winchell, and I will NOT tolerate it.” Kenny unfolds the flag on Canadian television, and proceeds to tear it into shreds. He clutches onto the shredded piece that contains a large portion of the maple leaf, and gazes into the camera, “Oh… Canada!”
The screen cuts to the Canadian flag with the Canadian Home Shopping Network logo with words reading underneath, Please stand by while we are experiences technical difficulties.
The host bellows over a PA system, “It’s the Canadian Home Shopping Network, with your host, Dexter Stevenson!” The voice of a man obviously missing a chromosome cuts off as pre credits roll of producers and directors everyone could care less about on a backdrop with a Canadian flag and the Canadian Home Shopping Network logo. Fade to Dexter Stevenson, who’s rainbow aura really accentuates his sky blue cardigan sweater, and tight khaki pants. He’s overweight, and slightly bald, his thick framed glasses do him no help.
“Hey eeeveryone,” he gleefully said with all the heart of a teenage pop fan, “I’m Dexter Stevenson with the Canadian Home Shopping Network, and today is very special, as we’re selling some great collectables and valuables that are associated with the very local New Alberta Professional Wrestling. Not only that, but we have an even bigger surprise, as one of their superstars, Kenny Krenshov will be assisting me as I showcase the items for sale!” The camera pans out wide enough for both Dexter Stevenson and Kenny Krenshov are now viewable. Kenny sports a nice leather biker jacket with denim jeans and jet-black sunglasses. He hulks over the overweight flamer, as the host of the show looks slightly taken back by his massive size, “wow, they said you were big, but golllyyeee.”
Kenny stood like a stone—no expression even slightly cracked his demeanor.
“Well, let’s get right down to business, shall we?” Kenny shot him a look like, are you (BLEEP)ing kidding me? The chubby blue bunny waddles over to a table opposite of Kenny with a few items spread about. “First we have an item that has just hit the market, “The Lemondrop Kid” Loyd Rees’ action figure. Now you’ll be able to find this at several of your local markets in the near future, but we have it here first and you will be able to get it at a better deal here than anywhere else. Kenny, can you show them how it works?”
Already agitated, Kenny picked up the plastic look-alike and pressed the button located on the small of its back, I got crabs in my pants! Kenny cracked a grin, maybe this wouldn’t be that horrible after all.
“What did that toy just say?” The fat man looked puzzled, unsure of what to think.
Kenny didn’t reply, he just pressed the button again, I got crabs in my pants!
“Oh m-m-my!” Dexter looked as confused as a kitten in a barrel full of yarn. “Well, maybe we should have screened that before we advertised it… but if anyone is interested in this—special action figure of Loyd Rees, please call 1-800-CANADA-EH?.” Kenny pressed the button again and Dexter jumped at Kenny and yanked the toy out of Kenny’s hand and through it out of the cameras sight. “We-we-we should take a quick commercial break.”
Porky Pig couldn’t have done better.
COMMERCIAL: “GOT SAGGY BREASTS!? TRY PERKY JERKY, THE ONLY ORGANIC BEEF JERKEY THAT IS GUARANTEED TO PICK UP THE STEP OF YOUR SAG! Perky Jerky is recommended by one out of seventy-five Canadian Scientists, and has been proven to work 60% of the time, all the time. Get your Perky Jerky today! (Cut to a cow with firm utters giving a deep MOOOOOOOOO!)
“And we’re back folks, incase you were just tuning in, I’m here with professional wrestler Kenny Krenshov to try to sell you some real worthwhile collectables. Now before we move on to the next item, Kenny I understand that you have an important match coming up in the near future?”
Like he would know, he’s just being paid to say that. Kenny almost has to force himself to shamelessly plug the NAPW spectacular, “Yeah, me and my partner, Chris Casino, will be taking on the Doomriders in no-holds barred, falls count anywhere match at Cold Snap on February second.”
“No-holds barred? Does that mean you guys aren’t allowed to put each other in holds?”
Stupid. There is no other word to describe it, that was just stupid.
“No, it means we can do whatever we want, everything is legal. I also have a match this Tuesday, when I team up with my other partner, Kurt Castle, to take on Next Generation.”
“Well isn’t that just exciting!” Kenny wanted to punch him in the throat, but he held back. Getting deported from Canada again wasn’t exactly on his to-do list. “Ok, let’s move on to our next item for sale. This is a Pure Honor Championship belt replica, and it is complete with LED. Unfortunately it doesn’t come with the software to edit the message on the belt, nor does it come with any wires to hook up to your computer that is necessary for the editing. But I’m sure you can download something from the intraweb to help you out with that, and I’m told any PCI cables from 1985 will do for hooking up the belt to your computer. Oh, it also doesn’t come with the plutonium power pack necessary to retain the charge, but I hear there are some great steals from Iranian and North Korean manufacturers. So, if you want to use it, you have to have plug it directly into a 10000 Volt transformer, but it doesn’t come with the cable to do that either. Regardless of what it doesn’t come with, it’s still a great steal at only $700! Remember, if you’re interested in buying this, just call 1-800-CANADA-EH?”
If Kenny didn’t leave soon, he would be leaving eventually in handcuffs. This guys was the Mount Everest of annoying.
“Now onto a rather… interesting item up for sale, the sad remains of what is left of Bob Ravager’s career.” The tubby blue balloon held up an urn to show to the camera. “You can pretty much get this for um, a dollar? Oh wait, my producers are saying fifty cents instead of a dollar. I mean, this urn was definitely made of a fine tin. So pretty much you’re buying the urn when you purchase this, and whatever is inside is free.”
OK, that was funny. Kenny even chuckled.
“This next one, we expect to sell quickly. It’s a one of a kind…” Dexter pulls out a Canadian flag and hoists it up in the air. “This is the Canadian flag Kyle Roberts, one half of the tag team champions, wore to the ring on the last Tuesday Night Fights.”
That flag might have well been all red, and Kenny a bull. Like flicking a switch, Kenny went from composed to insane. He remembered how those wretch’s embarrassed his boss, the man he owed all of his success.
The beast ripped the flag from Dexter’s hands and wadded the flag up. He dug inside his front pockets and threw any change he could get a hold of on the table. “Consider this sold.”
“Well, you c-c-can’t do—“
”I can’t do what!?” Kenny’s roar sent the weeble-wobble into a crouch position. “All of these pricks want to embarrass Mr. Winchell, and why? All he wants is to run a wrestling organization professionally! This is twice now that a masked man has come after Mr. Winchell, and I will NOT tolerate it.” Kenny unfolds the flag on Canadian television, and proceeds to tear it into shreds. He clutches onto the shredded piece that contains a large portion of the maple leaf, and gazes into the camera, “Oh… Canada!”
The screen cuts to the Canadian flag with the Canadian Home Shopping Network logo with words reading underneath, Please stand by while we are experiences technical difficulties.