Post by Simply Beautiful on Jan 25, 2007 15:04:50 GMT -5
The scene opens up in a family diner, somewhere in Kamloops. The place is fairly busy, with people eating and chatting it up, and waitresses scuttling about, taking orders and bringing out trays of food. The camera is primarily focused on one small table, right by the window – that table is occupied by none other than everyone’s favorite sex symbol, the Italian Icon Simply Beautiful!
His Italian flag bandanna is fitted squarely on his dome, and the sunglasses are flipped up over them. These are brand new sunglasses, colored a very sharp metallic blue, with wider arms that have the brand new “SB” logo on them. (logo note: “SB” connected in large bubble letters, colored red, white, and green)
It’s pretty cold today in Kamloops, so he’s wearing a pair of New York Yankees sweatpants to keep warm. His expensive North Face jacket is strapped on the back of his chair. His t-shirt reads “SB Deuce, Banks ROCK” in gray letters across a dark blue tee. Underneath that, it smaller letters, it reads “Banks Swings Chairs Like A Chick”.
In front of SB is a bountiful feast of diner food – hey, he’s gotta eat, doesn’t he? You try finding a nice place to have lunch in a town called Kamloops! One plate is filled with a fried chicken sandwich, and the other with a big, juicy Buffalo Burger and fries to accompany it. SB’s already eaten his pickle and cole slaw, because nothing starts off a good burger quite like that.
Just as he’s about to bite into his sandwich, a waitress (not the one serving him) comes over, looking very excited. Too excited, as far as SB is concerned.
Waitress: Oh my gosh! Aren’t you like, SB from New Alberta Pro Wrestling?!?
As she says this, she nearly leaps out of her skin.
SB: Yeah…you watch wrestling?
Waitress: NOOOO, but my boyfriend does! We watch it every week!
SB: Good for you guys. He likes SB?
Waitress: Yeah, but not as much as he likes Stylin’ Kyle Roberts.
SB: Roberts? Please. (idea light bulb explodes in SB’s mind) Hey, you wanna know a secret?
Waitress: Ooooh, a secret! COOL!
SB: (sarcastic) Yeah, cool…anyways, that Kyle Roberts guy?
Waitress: Yes?
SB: Big time homo.
Waitress: (shocked) No way!
SB: Yes way. He’s like, really, really gay. You know like those guys who wear pink belly shirts and combat boots and talk like “thith”. Yeah, that’s SKR all the way when he's off camera.
Waitress: Wow, you’d never think that about him.
SB: I know, you can only imagine how surprised I was when he hit on me. I was like whoa, man, save that for Chip N’ Dale!
Waitress: Who?
SB: Those two..never mind, I think Winchell fired them.
Waitress: Oooh. So, like, anways, my boyfriend was online, and he saw that video David Banks made about you –
SB: And?
Waitress: I thought it was really funny. My boyfriend didn’t like it though, he said that Banks probably writes the way he speaks – like a moron.
SB: He’s about right, your boyfriend. Not that you’re any slouch when it comes to spotting out talent I mean, did you listen to what Banks said?
Waitress: No, I was laughing at how silly he looks in that trench coat. Kind of like a black Humphrey Bogart, but really, really ugly.
SB: Yeah, I know! Then the chucklehead has the balls to say I dress poorly! Suzanna bought those tight jeans, you can’t expect her to remember the DATE, let alone what size pants I wear. I had to return those myself, but the prick behind the counter wouldn’t let me because she took all the tags off!
Waitress: Aww, poor baby, how does your head feel?
SB: My what?
Waitress: Your head, silly?
SB: My head is fine (rubbing his head, wondering if he has something in his hair – his beautiful, totally not Ellen DeGeneres - looking hair – besides, she wears a dude’s haircut anyway. Banks is such an idiot, it defies reason) Oh, you’re talking about the chair “shot” from Banks last week?
Waitress: Yeah, he said you had all these stitches and an egg! Why did he throw an egg in your hair! Wasn’t the chair enough!
SB: (blinks at her, amazed. He ignores the egg comment entirely) Oh, you mean the stitches in my head? That’s what happens when someone blindsides you. It doesn’t hurt, actually. Banks just likes to puff his own chest up – he couldn’t hurt a fly, poor fella.
Waitress: Well, thank goodness you aren’t hurt!
SB: Yeah…thanks, I guess. (looks around) Don’t you have, I don’t know, some tables to wait on?
The camera moves side to side, and we see a lot of people waiting impatiently.
Waitress: Nope, I’m on my break. Henrietta’s the slow one, not me!
SB: Who's Henrietta?
No sooner than the words escape his mouth, pretty much the largest woman this side of the border comes CRASHING out of the kitchen, wiping out several (unoccupied) tables and about 10 trays of food she was trying to carry. Rather than help out, people start to leave as the bus boys run over and start frantically picking things up.
SB: Oh. Yeah, I can see her weaknesses as a waitress.
Waitress: She tries, though. Soooo…..David Banks isn’t gonna end your career, right?
SB: You know, pretty much everyone says that, in pretty much every promo. “I’m gonna end your career, I’m gonna put you in a wheelchair, I’m gonna eat your children” – well, only ONE guy said that last one, but he’s no in our business. So Davey Boy saying he’s gonna “kill my career” is about as unoriginal as one can get. But that’s Banks for you – stealing my FRIGGIN’ cops promo! That was comic genius, I tell you! Banks turned it into a name-dropping contest that forever sullied Angelo’s name! He hasn’t played a big part in a promo since, out of embarrassment. Well, for that reason and because he doesn’t photograph well on camera.
Waitress: Oh, I see. But what about the part where he called you whiny! I don’t think you’re whiny….I think you’re cute!
SB: You know, it would take a bitch to know a bitch. Banks is essentially a bitch dressed up as a wrestler, so he would know if I were one – but, his bitch radar seems to be a bit off. That’s not his fault though. I mean, Reestard and Ol’ Smelly are (BLEEP)ing up the signal with their bitchiness – and that metal plate in Smelly’s head. And he seems to be mistaken thinking that I challenged Kurtis, thinking he was a patsy. Kurtis is a hell of a wrestler, and if not for a concussion he’d be the world champ right now. Kurtis challenged me, and I accepted because I have a lot of respect for him. Banks doesn’t know what respect is, seeing as how much of a jackass he is, running around with Newfoundland’s biggest butt pirates and what have you. I know he has none for me, and I have none for him. In that ring Tuesday Night, you’re only gonna see two things, dollface.
Waitress: (excitedly) What?!?
SB: The Italian Icon, basking in the glow of not only his Plague stomp out, but his complete dominance over one David Banks.
The waitress anxiously waits for SB to finish the statement…and seems confused when he doesn’t.
Waitress: Umm…what’s the other thing?
SB: (whipping his head towards her) Excuse me?
Waitress: The other thing I’m going to see in the ring.
SB: Oh….a handsome Italian guy with a big –
CUT TO THE KITCHEN AREA – close up on the Head Chef.
Head Chef: SAUSAGE! WHERE’S YOU PUT ALL THE SAUSAGES, MARIE?!?
Fade out.
His Italian flag bandanna is fitted squarely on his dome, and the sunglasses are flipped up over them. These are brand new sunglasses, colored a very sharp metallic blue, with wider arms that have the brand new “SB” logo on them. (logo note: “SB” connected in large bubble letters, colored red, white, and green)
It’s pretty cold today in Kamloops, so he’s wearing a pair of New York Yankees sweatpants to keep warm. His expensive North Face jacket is strapped on the back of his chair. His t-shirt reads “SB Deuce, Banks ROCK” in gray letters across a dark blue tee. Underneath that, it smaller letters, it reads “Banks Swings Chairs Like A Chick”.
In front of SB is a bountiful feast of diner food – hey, he’s gotta eat, doesn’t he? You try finding a nice place to have lunch in a town called Kamloops! One plate is filled with a fried chicken sandwich, and the other with a big, juicy Buffalo Burger and fries to accompany it. SB’s already eaten his pickle and cole slaw, because nothing starts off a good burger quite like that.
Just as he’s about to bite into his sandwich, a waitress (not the one serving him) comes over, looking very excited. Too excited, as far as SB is concerned.
Waitress: Oh my gosh! Aren’t you like, SB from New Alberta Pro Wrestling?!?
As she says this, she nearly leaps out of her skin.
SB: Yeah…you watch wrestling?
Waitress: NOOOO, but my boyfriend does! We watch it every week!
SB: Good for you guys. He likes SB?
Waitress: Yeah, but not as much as he likes Stylin’ Kyle Roberts.
SB: Roberts? Please. (idea light bulb explodes in SB’s mind) Hey, you wanna know a secret?
Waitress: Ooooh, a secret! COOL!
SB: (sarcastic) Yeah, cool…anyways, that Kyle Roberts guy?
Waitress: Yes?
SB: Big time homo.
Waitress: (shocked) No way!
SB: Yes way. He’s like, really, really gay. You know like those guys who wear pink belly shirts and combat boots and talk like “thith”. Yeah, that’s SKR all the way when he's off camera.
Waitress: Wow, you’d never think that about him.
SB: I know, you can only imagine how surprised I was when he hit on me. I was like whoa, man, save that for Chip N’ Dale!
Waitress: Who?
SB: Those two..never mind, I think Winchell fired them.
Waitress: Oooh. So, like, anways, my boyfriend was online, and he saw that video David Banks made about you –
SB: And?
Waitress: I thought it was really funny. My boyfriend didn’t like it though, he said that Banks probably writes the way he speaks – like a moron.
SB: He’s about right, your boyfriend. Not that you’re any slouch when it comes to spotting out talent I mean, did you listen to what Banks said?
Waitress: No, I was laughing at how silly he looks in that trench coat. Kind of like a black Humphrey Bogart, but really, really ugly.
SB: Yeah, I know! Then the chucklehead has the balls to say I dress poorly! Suzanna bought those tight jeans, you can’t expect her to remember the DATE, let alone what size pants I wear. I had to return those myself, but the prick behind the counter wouldn’t let me because she took all the tags off!
Waitress: Aww, poor baby, how does your head feel?
SB: My what?
Waitress: Your head, silly?
SB: My head is fine (rubbing his head, wondering if he has something in his hair – his beautiful, totally not Ellen DeGeneres - looking hair – besides, she wears a dude’s haircut anyway. Banks is such an idiot, it defies reason) Oh, you’re talking about the chair “shot” from Banks last week?
Waitress: Yeah, he said you had all these stitches and an egg! Why did he throw an egg in your hair! Wasn’t the chair enough!
SB: (blinks at her, amazed. He ignores the egg comment entirely) Oh, you mean the stitches in my head? That’s what happens when someone blindsides you. It doesn’t hurt, actually. Banks just likes to puff his own chest up – he couldn’t hurt a fly, poor fella.
Waitress: Well, thank goodness you aren’t hurt!
SB: Yeah…thanks, I guess. (looks around) Don’t you have, I don’t know, some tables to wait on?
The camera moves side to side, and we see a lot of people waiting impatiently.
Waitress: Nope, I’m on my break. Henrietta’s the slow one, not me!
SB: Who's Henrietta?
No sooner than the words escape his mouth, pretty much the largest woman this side of the border comes CRASHING out of the kitchen, wiping out several (unoccupied) tables and about 10 trays of food she was trying to carry. Rather than help out, people start to leave as the bus boys run over and start frantically picking things up.
SB: Oh. Yeah, I can see her weaknesses as a waitress.
Waitress: She tries, though. Soooo…..David Banks isn’t gonna end your career, right?
SB: You know, pretty much everyone says that, in pretty much every promo. “I’m gonna end your career, I’m gonna put you in a wheelchair, I’m gonna eat your children” – well, only ONE guy said that last one, but he’s no in our business. So Davey Boy saying he’s gonna “kill my career” is about as unoriginal as one can get. But that’s Banks for you – stealing my FRIGGIN’ cops promo! That was comic genius, I tell you! Banks turned it into a name-dropping contest that forever sullied Angelo’s name! He hasn’t played a big part in a promo since, out of embarrassment. Well, for that reason and because he doesn’t photograph well on camera.
Waitress: Oh, I see. But what about the part where he called you whiny! I don’t think you’re whiny….I think you’re cute!
SB: You know, it would take a bitch to know a bitch. Banks is essentially a bitch dressed up as a wrestler, so he would know if I were one – but, his bitch radar seems to be a bit off. That’s not his fault though. I mean, Reestard and Ol’ Smelly are (BLEEP)ing up the signal with their bitchiness – and that metal plate in Smelly’s head. And he seems to be mistaken thinking that I challenged Kurtis, thinking he was a patsy. Kurtis is a hell of a wrestler, and if not for a concussion he’d be the world champ right now. Kurtis challenged me, and I accepted because I have a lot of respect for him. Banks doesn’t know what respect is, seeing as how much of a jackass he is, running around with Newfoundland’s biggest butt pirates and what have you. I know he has none for me, and I have none for him. In that ring Tuesday Night, you’re only gonna see two things, dollface.
Waitress: (excitedly) What?!?
SB: The Italian Icon, basking in the glow of not only his Plague stomp out, but his complete dominance over one David Banks.
The waitress anxiously waits for SB to finish the statement…and seems confused when he doesn’t.
Waitress: Umm…what’s the other thing?
SB: (whipping his head towards her) Excuse me?
Waitress: The other thing I’m going to see in the ring.
SB: Oh….a handsome Italian guy with a big –
CUT TO THE KITCHEN AREA – close up on the Head Chef.
Head Chef: SAUSAGE! WHERE’S YOU PUT ALL THE SAUSAGES, MARIE?!?
Fade out.