Post by D! on Dec 11, 2005 0:31:51 GMT -5
(Lights up, backstage at NAPW. D! walks into frame, wringing his hands and staring at his shoes.)
D!: Listen . . . Chris Casino . . . I may have been hasty. I think I made a mistake last night, and now I'm worried. Worried that because I made an incorrect assumption, well, you've wound up hurting me. Hurting me bad. And what's worse is the thought that if I don't apologise to you, well . . . you're going to keep hurting me. And I can't have that. So . . . here goes.
(Pause. D! looks anxiously at the camera.)
Chris . . . I apologise. I guess I was wrong about you.
(Pause . . . and the trademark grin.)
YOU REALLY NEED A MANAGER TO HANDLE YOUR PROMOS, KID! I admit it, I thought you were charismatic enough to handle the mic, but . . . enhhh. I lost on that horse. Your boring, boring promos hurt me as a champion and as a wrestling fan, Chris. So, really--either let the guy with the brain do your talking, or else brush up on some remedial skills. And if you'd like 'em, I'm offering up free lessons with a little something I like to call "How Not To Sound Like a Douche . . . 101".
(D! walks over to the side, and the camera pans to find his trusty Large-TV-On-A-Dolly waiting for him. From the dolly, he retrieves two items . . . the NAPW title, which he rests on his shoulder, and a remote control.)
Every lesson plan is personalized . . . I've had the NAPW video department pain-stakingly research your interviews, drown out the boos, turn down the suck, and burn it all on a handy DVD. So let's get cracking with the first topic: Irony. Now we're gonna go to your last rant . . . specifically where you accuse me of being long-winded and monotonous. Let's see . . . (Hits "Play".)
CLIP: D!, you pathetic tool. I just caught your little song and dance--
D!: (Pauses.) Okay, that's the beginning. So let's just . . . (Fast-forwards.)
CLIP: As you know I come from the greatest city in the World baby.
D!: (Pauses.) Okay, we're not there yet. A little further . . . (Fast-forwards.)
CLIP: --something you fail to realize D! That I am the future of NAPW--
D!: (Hits "Stop".) Okay. It just goes on like this. The point is . . . Irony. Not your friend. Just try to stick to honest emotions and simple desires. For you, try "I THINK I AM BETTER THAN EVERYONE!", or "I WANT TO PAY A HOOKER FOR SEX!" If it's something you can get behind, people will believe it.
Which leads to Topic Two: Contrary to the old chestnut, people aren't more likely to swallow lies the bigger they get. Really, it's "The bigger the lie, the bigger the hole you dig for yourself."
CLIP: I'm the most in demand wrestler on this planet kids. I'm 25 and I've sold out more arenas, won more titles and soiled more chicks than the entire NAPW roster combined. I'm the very FUTURE of not only this failing company but of wrestling itself.
D!: Wow. The crowd really ate that one up, didn't they? Once again, Chris, work with what you're given. You're a spoiled rich brat who buys his friends and treats everyone else like crap. That doesn't make you one match away from being the NAPW Champion, peanut. That makes you a pair of shriveled testicles away from being Paris Hilton.
Gimme, gimme Topic Number Three!
CLIP: That illiterate bastard D!--
--the NAPW is sick of losing money on some bum holding their world title--
--you dress like a homeless person--
--he just sees some cat who had to mow his lawn--
D!: Nobody understands what you're talking about. The NAPW doesn't lose money, it's been sellng out venues. Calling me homeless and illiterate? (Concerned grimace.) . . . bit of a stretch, big guy. And a cat mowing a lawn?
(Pause.)
I think we'd all like to see that.
(Pause.)
But everything else doesn't even fit with reality! It's like you just go out there and just draw a blank and spout the best Jim Hellweg babble you can come up with! And it just freakin' cuts into any valid points you do come up with. So when you say this . . .
CLIP: As I stand here let me make one thing apparent to NAPW. Chris Casino has come for gold.
D!: . . . people just hear this . . .
(The same video clip plays, but the dialogue has been overdubbed by a Chris Casino imitation.)
CLIP: Eff you, spaceman! I laugh at your scrofula! Don't give me scrofula, you pendulous spaceman!
D!: Bottom line, you hurt everyone by talking, especially yourself. I don't know if they've perfected charisma injections, but if they do, Lord knows you can afford them. Until then, let Brandon do his job . . .
(Pats his NAPW title.)
. . . and I'll do mine. Now I'm so sorry to have used so much of your interviews, Vegas, but you don't seem to listen unless it's to your own voice. And if that won't do . . .
CLIP: STATIC off the top rope GETS THE ROUNDHOUSE IN THE FACE! D! with another roundhouse sends STATIC over the top ropes!
CLIP: D! is firing away! D! is fighting for all he's worth! Plague stunned, and D!...what's he doing here? WHAT IS HE? OH MY GOODNESS! SUNSET FLIP FROM THE TOP ROPE! PLAGUE just IMPACTED the canvas with his back and head!
CLIP: D! fights back! The Champion...BEAT-O-BARRAGE! He's peppering Lobo --- Lobo falls out of the ring over the top!
D!: . . . then I can speak a language that everyone understands.
Class dismissed.
(D! smiles and starts to walk away from the TV. For whatever reason, it comes to life one more time and plays another Casino clip.)
CLIP: I know about loss D!. Your speech about your little friend who took her life...It...It...(lets out an sniffle) It touched me buddy. Right here.
Casino grabs his crotch and grins.
Bitch this ain't "As The World Turns" this is wrestling. No one, least of all myself gives a damn about some chick friend of yours who swan dived off a bridge.
(The camera sweeps back to D!--stopped mid-stride, the grin washed off of his face, he nurses a look that would make you think a comlete stranger's just punched him in the jaw.)
D!: But that's gotta go.
(And he leaves. Lights down.)
D!: Listen . . . Chris Casino . . . I may have been hasty. I think I made a mistake last night, and now I'm worried. Worried that because I made an incorrect assumption, well, you've wound up hurting me. Hurting me bad. And what's worse is the thought that if I don't apologise to you, well . . . you're going to keep hurting me. And I can't have that. So . . . here goes.
(Pause. D! looks anxiously at the camera.)
Chris . . . I apologise. I guess I was wrong about you.
(Pause . . . and the trademark grin.)
YOU REALLY NEED A MANAGER TO HANDLE YOUR PROMOS, KID! I admit it, I thought you were charismatic enough to handle the mic, but . . . enhhh. I lost on that horse. Your boring, boring promos hurt me as a champion and as a wrestling fan, Chris. So, really--either let the guy with the brain do your talking, or else brush up on some remedial skills. And if you'd like 'em, I'm offering up free lessons with a little something I like to call "How Not To Sound Like a Douche . . . 101".
(D! walks over to the side, and the camera pans to find his trusty Large-TV-On-A-Dolly waiting for him. From the dolly, he retrieves two items . . . the NAPW title, which he rests on his shoulder, and a remote control.)
Every lesson plan is personalized . . . I've had the NAPW video department pain-stakingly research your interviews, drown out the boos, turn down the suck, and burn it all on a handy DVD. So let's get cracking with the first topic: Irony. Now we're gonna go to your last rant . . . specifically where you accuse me of being long-winded and monotonous. Let's see . . . (Hits "Play".)
CLIP: D!, you pathetic tool. I just caught your little song and dance--
D!: (Pauses.) Okay, that's the beginning. So let's just . . . (Fast-forwards.)
CLIP: As you know I come from the greatest city in the World baby.
D!: (Pauses.) Okay, we're not there yet. A little further . . . (Fast-forwards.)
CLIP: --something you fail to realize D! That I am the future of NAPW--
D!: (Hits "Stop".) Okay. It just goes on like this. The point is . . . Irony. Not your friend. Just try to stick to honest emotions and simple desires. For you, try "I THINK I AM BETTER THAN EVERYONE!", or "I WANT TO PAY A HOOKER FOR SEX!" If it's something you can get behind, people will believe it.
Which leads to Topic Two: Contrary to the old chestnut, people aren't more likely to swallow lies the bigger they get. Really, it's "The bigger the lie, the bigger the hole you dig for yourself."
CLIP: I'm the most in demand wrestler on this planet kids. I'm 25 and I've sold out more arenas, won more titles and soiled more chicks than the entire NAPW roster combined. I'm the very FUTURE of not only this failing company but of wrestling itself.
D!: Wow. The crowd really ate that one up, didn't they? Once again, Chris, work with what you're given. You're a spoiled rich brat who buys his friends and treats everyone else like crap. That doesn't make you one match away from being the NAPW Champion, peanut. That makes you a pair of shriveled testicles away from being Paris Hilton.
Gimme, gimme Topic Number Three!
CLIP: That illiterate bastard D!--
--the NAPW is sick of losing money on some bum holding their world title--
--you dress like a homeless person--
--he just sees some cat who had to mow his lawn--
D!: Nobody understands what you're talking about. The NAPW doesn't lose money, it's been sellng out venues. Calling me homeless and illiterate? (Concerned grimace.) . . . bit of a stretch, big guy. And a cat mowing a lawn?
(Pause.)
I think we'd all like to see that.
(Pause.)
But everything else doesn't even fit with reality! It's like you just go out there and just draw a blank and spout the best Jim Hellweg babble you can come up with! And it just freakin' cuts into any valid points you do come up with. So when you say this . . .
CLIP: As I stand here let me make one thing apparent to NAPW. Chris Casino has come for gold.
D!: . . . people just hear this . . .
(The same video clip plays, but the dialogue has been overdubbed by a Chris Casino imitation.)
CLIP: Eff you, spaceman! I laugh at your scrofula! Don't give me scrofula, you pendulous spaceman!
D!: Bottom line, you hurt everyone by talking, especially yourself. I don't know if they've perfected charisma injections, but if they do, Lord knows you can afford them. Until then, let Brandon do his job . . .
(Pats his NAPW title.)
. . . and I'll do mine. Now I'm so sorry to have used so much of your interviews, Vegas, but you don't seem to listen unless it's to your own voice. And if that won't do . . .
CLIP: STATIC off the top rope GETS THE ROUNDHOUSE IN THE FACE! D! with another roundhouse sends STATIC over the top ropes!
CLIP: D! is firing away! D! is fighting for all he's worth! Plague stunned, and D!...what's he doing here? WHAT IS HE? OH MY GOODNESS! SUNSET FLIP FROM THE TOP ROPE! PLAGUE just IMPACTED the canvas with his back and head!
CLIP: D! fights back! The Champion...BEAT-O-BARRAGE! He's peppering Lobo --- Lobo falls out of the ring over the top!
D!: . . . then I can speak a language that everyone understands.
Class dismissed.
(D! smiles and starts to walk away from the TV. For whatever reason, it comes to life one more time and plays another Casino clip.)
CLIP: I know about loss D!. Your speech about your little friend who took her life...It...It...(lets out an sniffle) It touched me buddy. Right here.
Casino grabs his crotch and grins.
Bitch this ain't "As The World Turns" this is wrestling. No one, least of all myself gives a damn about some chick friend of yours who swan dived off a bridge.
(The camera sweeps back to D!--stopped mid-stride, the grin washed off of his face, he nurses a look that would make you think a comlete stranger's just punched him in the jaw.)
D!: But that's gotta go.
(And he leaves. Lights down.)