Hey, promos are sweet!

[Scott [NAPW Staff]]

(Lights up, a sparsely furnished apartment. CAMERON and MIKE sit in a pair of lawn chairs in the middle of the living room. They are eating a huge plate of breakfast nachos and playing video golf. Though they wear their trademark jersey and bowling shirt, neither are wearing pants. They address the camera, though they don’t really look away from the screen all that much.)

CAM: Yeah! That’s right! Third birdie in a row! Thank you, goodnight!

MIKE: You’re just lucky.

(Mike glances at the camera.)

MIKE: Oh, hi! We didn’t see you come in!

CAM: (Not looking away from the TV.) The camera was there all morning. Tiffany set it up, like, two hours ago.

MIKE: (Rolls his eyes.) And there goes the magic of television. All of it. Gone. Totally your fault.

CAM: (Munching on a nacho.) I’m sorry, man, but “we didn’t see you come in?” Lame!

MIKE: ANYWAY. (Eats a nacho.) It seems to us that there’s been a lot of posturing going on here in the NAWP tag division.

CAM: Lots of trash talk and hype, beat downs. Stuff like that.

MIKE: It’s not universal. Those Decapitator guys, they seem to be on the level. We respect that.

CAM: Sure do.

MIKE: But, seriously. Trashing bars? What’s that good for? Getting arrested?

CAM: The police were asking questions, that’s all we’re saying.

MIKE: I mean, if you want to be on top that badly… maybe you should work on not being thrown in jail first. That’s a good start. And wrestling bears? I’m all for death defying antics in the ring… but that’s kind of ridiculous. It just proves that you’re a big man who has no concept of what an eleven hundred pound animal can do to a human who ways one-seventh its weight.

CAM: And someone who doesn’t have that kind of basic grasp of reality is really not cut out for a driver’s licence, much less a physical professional sport. It was pretty unintentionally hilarious, though.

MIKE: Well some people are good at being unintentionally hilarious. Those people are usually called clowns. Sometimes, they’re called champions. That’s irony, Cam.

(There’s a beat as both Dudes eat some nachos.)

MIKE: Yeah, we saw that little stunt NAID-X…Naidex?… posted on the web page. One of the reasons we figured it was high time to post our own little promo. See, last week, Tiffany told us that Naidex were the least of our concerns. Well, it seems she was wrong. We have a match against you guys this Monday.

CAM: For the titles! That’s pretty sweet!

MIKE: And it will be! A sweet match! Maybe the best match you guys have ever wrestled? Maybe not? Who knows? The point is, we’re going to be ready on Monday, and we’re going to bring everything we have to the table.

CAM: And, as a bonus, we don’t need to dig anyone out from under a ton of limp bear prior to our match.

MIKE: Or go to the hospital.

CAM: Or get screamed at by an angry tag team partner.

MIKE: Or file a lawsuit against a polar bear.

CAM: Which then gets thrown out before it even reaches court.

MIKE: Anyway, I think what we’re trying to say is… chill out, guys.

CAM: (Chuckles.) They actually looked pretty chilled to me, Mike. They were in north Manitoba. During the winter.

MIKE: Yeah what was with Kyle’s stutter? Was he cold?

CAM: (Doing a Porky Pig impression.) “Worthy competit…competit…e-uh-guys to beat up.”

(Mike sips at his coffee, and eats a particularly cheesy nacho.)

MIKE: Clearly you’re taking this way too seriously. I mean, sure, wrestling is what we do, but it’s not the only thing that we do. Take me and Cam for instance. We’re sitting here playing video golf, and enjoying a huge plate of nachos.

CAM: It’s breakfast. At, like, 3 PM.

MIKE: And why is that? Because we’re enjoying ourselves! And that’s pretty much the philosophy of the Dudes. To enjoy life, and have fun doing what we do.

CAM: And you guys have clearly forgotten what that’s like.

MIKE: Seriously. There’s nothing fun about what you do anymore. The matches will come and go, and so will the titles, its part of the business. Just accept that, and maybe you won’t be so wound up anymore.

CAM: I don’t think that Bruce can BE anymore wound up. He always looks like he’s about to snap.

MIKE: Not good for the team.

CAM: They should really loosen up.

MIKE: So, in response to your really stretched metaphor of how you guys are like polar bears? Who cares?

CAM: Seriously. “A better breed of Tag Team?” Who are you kidding? Yourself? You guys barely tolerate one another. A really good tag team is willing to hang out.

(Cam and Mike exchange a high five.)

MIKE: And what’s up with this Gastown Tag Title? I’ve never even heard of a promotion out of Medicine Hat. I’m pretty certain no one else has either. So unless you want to work on making Gastown the best promotion in Alberta, then you may as well just call yourselves the “Tag Team Champions of some tiny little promotion no one’s heard of. No really, we are. There’s no way for you to prove otherwise.”

CAM: Are you trying to impress us? Or anyone for that matter? It’s kind of sad.

MIKE: We don’t impress easily.

CAM: I’d be impressed if Bruce could out drink the Decapitators!

MIKE: Oh, and I’d love to see Stylin’ Kyle arm-wrestle with both Immortal and Technique! That would impress me.

CAM: Coach Jago’s got to have some mighty lungs. I’d bet money on him against Terry Brandon in a shouting contest. That man can sure yell! Over announcers, and interviewers… he’s so busy yelling, I don’t think even he knows exactly what he’s saying!

MIKE: I think Coach is mute though, so you may not want mention that to him. He might take it hard.

CAM: Oh, whoops.

MIKE: Ultimately, you guys just have to, you know, bring it. As I said before, we’ll be at the match on Monday ready to wrestle and we expect the same from you. You guys want to prove to us that you’re out of our league? Then beat us down on Monday. Hard. That would prove it to us.

CAM: And, to be fair, we’ve experienced our fair share of beat downs. The competition at MJP were pretty mean. You’d have to beat us down pretty seriously for us to really even take it personally.

MIKE: And when all is said and done, it doesn’t even have to BE personal. It’s just a sport, right?

CAM: Yeah, you don’t have to take the competition quite so… HOLE IN ONE! EAT IT!

(Cam raises his controller triumphantly and bellows a cry of victory. Mike rolls his eyes and tries to recover the promo.)

MIKE: Uh, so yeah, if, after Monday night, regardless of the outcome, you guys want to chill with the Dudes. Maybe a few bears… BEERS, at the pub? A game of darts, or some pool? We’re cool with that. In fact, that invite is for the whole tag team division.

CAM: Except Storm. You guys aren’t allowed to come.

MIKE: Literally in this case, as the pub we have in mind has your pictures on a sign that says “These guys aren’t allowed in, ever.” You guys really need to stop wrecking places, because the cops totally know what you guys look like.

(Mike and Cam go back to their video golf and nachos. It takes almost a full minute before Mike realises the camera is still rolling.)

MIKE: Oh, jeez!

(He reaches over to it. Lights down.)