Post by D! on Nov 26, 2005 0:49:18 GMT -5
(Lights up. An establishing shot of Whyte Avenue Chapters, the entrance of which looms huge on the corner of Whyte and 105th. Chapters is the giant Canadian bookselling chain, loved by most and scorned by traditionalists. The Whyte Avenue one draws in large crowds at night, both because of its size and because it's open.)
(Cut to inside the building, specifically the imbedded Starbucks Coffee that's on the store's second floor, right along a balcony that affords a view of the entrance and the avenue itself. We see a large table by this balcony that's stacked, crammed with towers of books that looks like somebody's demented building project. One tower wobbles and jostles, and we see a pair of hands reach around its base and move them aside. It's D!, NAPW gold on his shoulder, and his extra-large coffee.)
D!: So, uh, have I caught you at a bad time?
(Another pair of hands grasps another tower of books and shifts them aside. It's NAPW and GCW Tag Team champ Stylin' Kyle Roberts, his belts, his coffee, and a nervous look on his face.)
STYLIN' KYLE: (Muttering.) Bruce is going to kill me if I don't get this match thrown out. There's got to be a way.
D!: Come on, buddy. Is there really a lot of legal precedent for wrestling finishes?
STYLIN' KYLE: Gee, I dunno, D! Is there a precedent for a federation that been open for THREE FREAKIN' WEEKS!?
D!: (To a passing barista.) He's cut off. I'll drive him home.
STYLIN' KYLE: Now add in the fact that was the first ever official hardcore match. It's an uphill battle!
(Stylin' Kyle goes back to hitting the books.)
D!: Listen. Let me level with you . . . D-X agreed to appear on Friday Night Whyte, Beast is nowhere to be found, and what you're doing is about as thrilling to NAPW fans as watching a live feed from the House of Commons. So take a study break, why don't'cha, and solve the puzzles that the fans really care about?
STYLIN' KYLE: Fine. (Closes book.) Ask me some questions, then.
D!: Awright. Let's start with the team name. "The New & Improved D-X". What made you choose to emulate D-X? Why aren't you "The New & Improved Mean Street Posse"?
STYLIN' KYLE: It was a name we were saddled with by the Gastown bookers. They wanted a D-X, and it was only because we lobbied for the "New and Improved" that it factors in at all.
D!: Wait a minute. GCW just named you "D-X"?
STYLIN' KYLE: They're really not that creative down there. Their champ's name is "Stone Cold" Joe Boston.
D!: Oh yeah. They're the guys with Ray Mysterion. (Pause.) Well, I can sorta see it. You as HBK, Beast as Helmsley . . . Coach Jago as Chyna . . .
STYLIN' KYLE: You should have seen Bruce's old gimmick.
D!: Oh? Why's that?
STYLIN' KYLE: Well, remember when the Undertaker became the Bikertaker?
D!: Yeah.
STYLIN' KYLE: Guess who became the new old Undertaker?
D!: (Laughs.) Really? Did he have a urn or anything?
STYLIN' KYLE: No. Just the duster and hat. And the rage.
D!: Wow, he sounds like a violent mo-fo, doesn't he? How mad will he be if you don't find the legal loophole that'll let you out of the tag match? (Points to books.)
STYLIN' KYLE: GAH! (He starts flipping through his book again.)
D!: But first, some more questions!
(Stylin' Kyle glares at him petulantly.)
D!: (Smiles.) Now you've beaten the Decapitators in the past . . . why are you so worried about having a second title defense against them?
STYLIN' KYLE: Did you see their last promo? The little bastards finally decided to sober up. We aren't worried so much as it's the principle of the thing. If it wasn't for that dumbassed rule about the rope break, we'd be watching the Supercard from the seats!
D!: So . . . you think that the Decapitators could beat you, 1-2-3. Do I have this right?
STYLIN' KYLE: What? That's just stupid! We'll win this match--if we have to go through with it!
D!: Well, pardon me for saying, but you and your partner seem pretty worried about having to fight this match at all . . .
STYLIN' KYLE: Have you ever seen a sober teenage alcoholic? Playing their Nine Inch Nails, and going to the mall? It's a scary sight, when they figure they've got nothing to do. (Pause.) They give me the jeebees.
D!: You ever been to Whyte Ave in your life? If I was scared of teenagers, I'd move to Innisfail.
STYLIN' KYLE: Whenever I go to Whyte, I only go to Packrat Louie's. You never see teens there, just because they can't afford it! Julio's Barrio has some awesome food, too.
D!: Jobber, please. Julio's is only about one step up from the crap at Chili's, at least for those of us with some Latin descent. If I wanted to eat Mexican, I'd bite off my own thumb.
Let's throw another question out there . . . let's say you don't fight the Decapitators . . who are you supposed to defend against now? Calgary Connection's disappeared . . .
(Both men look at the camera with an accusatory glance, then return to the conversation.)
D!: . . . and I doubt you guys want to be seen as paper champions.
STYLIN' KYLE: Well, there is the new supergroup of the Immortal and Techniq--
(Stylin' Kyle breaks down laughing.)
Nope, I almost got through that one with a straight face. Almost. Step in line, boys! With all I've been through in the past week, you think I have time to deal with the likes of you? Don't make me laugh!
D!: Then what about this new team, Storm?
STYLIN' KYLE: They control the elements! Oooooh! They can make thunder and lightning! (Smirks.) After a night at Taco Bell, so can I! Get to steppin'!
D!: So, basically, you're willing to take on any team--
STYLIN' KYLE: The first priority of the New and Improved D-X is to give a title shot to one team: Wayne Wright and "The Moose" Mark Miller! They've shown the GUTS! They've shown INTENSITY!
(Pause.)
D!: . . . right. Unless it's the Decapitators, though. You dodge that bullet and you'll do just fine.
STYLIN' KYLE: There's no bullet to dodge. This (waves hands over books) is just the contingency plan. Mark my words: I'll find a loophole here!
D!: Golly! I guess you'd better hit the books, then, Filin' Kyle!
STYLIN' KYLE: Stylin' Kyle. (Muttering.) Soon to be "mud" if I don't figure this out.
D!: (Jumping to his feet.) The CRAP!? The Beast works here?
(Stylin' Kyle ducks behind table, jostling off half the pile of legal texts.)
D!: Oh, weird. False alarm.
(A Chapters bookseller walks in the shot. His nametag reads "Devin".)
DEVIN: (Points to the books.) I'm not cleaning that up, you know.
(A Chapters manager comes in. His nametag reads "Diego".)
DIEGO: Devin! We need more floor coverage! More, I say!
DEVIN: But he's already got every law book and every sports book we carry on that table.
DIEGO: Then you'll have to spread out the other books to make it look like NOTHING'S WRONG!
(Both Chapters men leave.)
D!: What a handsome manager!
STYLIN' KYLE: (Perturbed.) I didn't notice.
D!: What? I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to notice stuff like that. Speaking of which, Beast does seem miffed at you these days. Problems at home?
STYLIN' KYLE: What?
D!: Would you like me to call the cops? Maybe let you crash at my place until he can get some counseling?
STYLIN' KYLE: D, this is your first time wrestling, right?
D!: (Checks the title on his shoulder.) No, can't say that it is.
STYLIN' KYLE: What I mean is, NAPW is your first fed, right?
D!: (Robot voice.) That. Statement. Is. Correct.
STYLIN' KYLE: Have you even lost a match yet?
D!: (Smiles.) No. Guess I'm just one of those guys, huh?
STYLIN' KYLE: I am also "one of those guys." And so is D-X. Bruce takes losses very seriously. There's a reason we've held the Gastown tag belts for over a year straight!
D!: Because you've fled to Edmonton?
STYLIN' KYLE: Because we win! Who says we never defend these belts?
D!: You defend those belts? When does this happen?
STYLIN' KYLE: Does wrestling only happen on Mondays and Thursdays?
D!: So you're constanty driving between here and Medicine Hat.
STYLIN' KYLE: Gastown has weekend shows.
D!: Something tells me Beast does all the driving.
STYLIN' KYLE: He likes to drive.
D!: Yeah, I'll bet.
(Out of nowhere, The Beast walks up to the table, startling both men.)
BEAST: (To Stylin' Kyle.) Hey, whattya got there, champ? Mind if I take a look with you? (To a passing barista.) Hey, get me a double latte, extra foam, okay?
BARISTA: We don't do table service.
(Beast glares at her.)
BARISTA: Yes, sir . . . coming up . . .
(The barista rushes out of frame.)
D!: Beast! I'm so glad you're here! The NAPW fans have so many questions they still need answered! Roberts here has been keeping pretty mum about your loss to Decapitator Axe--
BEAST: Look. Even if that loss stays in the record books--(glares at Kyle)--I'm not a man to give up just because he's failed once. I learn from my failures, D. It's too bad The Decapitators haven't learned any lessons from all the times we've beat them down.
D!: Hello! This is my point! Diamond and Axe haven't given up, like Calgary Connection did . . .
(All three men look at the camera with an accusatory glance, then return to the conversation.)
D!: . . . in fact, they've challenged you after losing and got their opportunity back.
BEAST: For the time being. Kyle and I don't think that Monday's result was particularly fair.
D!: Because you lost?
BEAST: I'm not saying that the system's flawed, but look at it from my perspective: Thursday night, Ravager gets his foot on the ropes, and the match continues. Whereas I get my foot on the ropes, and the match is over. How can anyone expect to wrestle when the rules change night to night? That's setting a bad precedent.
D!: (Rising to his feet.) It was a hardcore match, Underfaker! The ref's only there to count the fall! Weren't you a little bit curious about . . . I don't know . . . the WEAPONS?
BEAST: You insulting my intelligence, boy?
D!: Let's just insult your crying over the rules and see where that develops, shall we?
(Beast shoots a look at Stylin' Kyle and he, too, stands.)
BEAST: I didn't come on this "show" to be insulted by you, D!. I thought you were giving us an opportunity to have our voices heard, not play favourites.
D!: Touché.
BEAST: Although I guess I should be happy we're not eating at that burger joint you're so fond of. Real high-class.
D!: No, I guess you'd rather have Stylin' Kyle cook for you.
(D-X instinctively suckers D! with a double clothesline, sending him flipping over the balcony railing and out of sight.)
D!: (Off.) AAAAUGH!!!
(And then a "thud" noise. Stylin' Kyle and Beast shoot each other an "Oh no!" look.)
D!: (Off.) I'M OKAY!
(Both men look over the balcony.)
BEAST: Well, I'll be damned. He really is.
STYLIN' KYLE: Thank God he landed on that giant foam store manager!
BEAST: (Shaking his head.) No. No, that really was the store manager.
(Pause.)
BEAST: You just know this is gonna end with police.
STYLIN' KYLE: FEETS, don't FAIL me now!
(And both men run off-frame. Pause. Stylin' Kyle runs back to the table, picks up a law book, shoves it under his jacket, then runs off again. Lights down.)
----------
Co-written with The Beast and Stylin' Kyle Roberts.
(Cut to inside the building, specifically the imbedded Starbucks Coffee that's on the store's second floor, right along a balcony that affords a view of the entrance and the avenue itself. We see a large table by this balcony that's stacked, crammed with towers of books that looks like somebody's demented building project. One tower wobbles and jostles, and we see a pair of hands reach around its base and move them aside. It's D!, NAPW gold on his shoulder, and his extra-large coffee.)
D!: So, uh, have I caught you at a bad time?
(Another pair of hands grasps another tower of books and shifts them aside. It's NAPW and GCW Tag Team champ Stylin' Kyle Roberts, his belts, his coffee, and a nervous look on his face.)
STYLIN' KYLE: (Muttering.) Bruce is going to kill me if I don't get this match thrown out. There's got to be a way.
D!: Come on, buddy. Is there really a lot of legal precedent for wrestling finishes?
STYLIN' KYLE: Gee, I dunno, D! Is there a precedent for a federation that been open for THREE FREAKIN' WEEKS!?
D!: (To a passing barista.) He's cut off. I'll drive him home.
STYLIN' KYLE: Now add in the fact that was the first ever official hardcore match. It's an uphill battle!
(Stylin' Kyle goes back to hitting the books.)
D!: Listen. Let me level with you . . . D-X agreed to appear on Friday Night Whyte, Beast is nowhere to be found, and what you're doing is about as thrilling to NAPW fans as watching a live feed from the House of Commons. So take a study break, why don't'cha, and solve the puzzles that the fans really care about?
STYLIN' KYLE: Fine. (Closes book.) Ask me some questions, then.
D!: Awright. Let's start with the team name. "The New & Improved D-X". What made you choose to emulate D-X? Why aren't you "The New & Improved Mean Street Posse"?
STYLIN' KYLE: It was a name we were saddled with by the Gastown bookers. They wanted a D-X, and it was only because we lobbied for the "New and Improved" that it factors in at all.
D!: Wait a minute. GCW just named you "D-X"?
STYLIN' KYLE: They're really not that creative down there. Their champ's name is "Stone Cold" Joe Boston.
D!: Oh yeah. They're the guys with Ray Mysterion. (Pause.) Well, I can sorta see it. You as HBK, Beast as Helmsley . . . Coach Jago as Chyna . . .
STYLIN' KYLE: You should have seen Bruce's old gimmick.
D!: Oh? Why's that?
STYLIN' KYLE: Well, remember when the Undertaker became the Bikertaker?
D!: Yeah.
STYLIN' KYLE: Guess who became the new old Undertaker?
D!: (Laughs.) Really? Did he have a urn or anything?
STYLIN' KYLE: No. Just the duster and hat. And the rage.
D!: Wow, he sounds like a violent mo-fo, doesn't he? How mad will he be if you don't find the legal loophole that'll let you out of the tag match? (Points to books.)
STYLIN' KYLE: GAH! (He starts flipping through his book again.)
D!: But first, some more questions!
(Stylin' Kyle glares at him petulantly.)
D!: (Smiles.) Now you've beaten the Decapitators in the past . . . why are you so worried about having a second title defense against them?
STYLIN' KYLE: Did you see their last promo? The little bastards finally decided to sober up. We aren't worried so much as it's the principle of the thing. If it wasn't for that dumbassed rule about the rope break, we'd be watching the Supercard from the seats!
D!: So . . . you think that the Decapitators could beat you, 1-2-3. Do I have this right?
STYLIN' KYLE: What? That's just stupid! We'll win this match--if we have to go through with it!
D!: Well, pardon me for saying, but you and your partner seem pretty worried about having to fight this match at all . . .
STYLIN' KYLE: Have you ever seen a sober teenage alcoholic? Playing their Nine Inch Nails, and going to the mall? It's a scary sight, when they figure they've got nothing to do. (Pause.) They give me the jeebees.
D!: You ever been to Whyte Ave in your life? If I was scared of teenagers, I'd move to Innisfail.
STYLIN' KYLE: Whenever I go to Whyte, I only go to Packrat Louie's. You never see teens there, just because they can't afford it! Julio's Barrio has some awesome food, too.
D!: Jobber, please. Julio's is only about one step up from the crap at Chili's, at least for those of us with some Latin descent. If I wanted to eat Mexican, I'd bite off my own thumb.
Let's throw another question out there . . . let's say you don't fight the Decapitators . . who are you supposed to defend against now? Calgary Connection's disappeared . . .
(Both men look at the camera with an accusatory glance, then return to the conversation.)
D!: . . . and I doubt you guys want to be seen as paper champions.
STYLIN' KYLE: Well, there is the new supergroup of the Immortal and Techniq--
(Stylin' Kyle breaks down laughing.)
Nope, I almost got through that one with a straight face. Almost. Step in line, boys! With all I've been through in the past week, you think I have time to deal with the likes of you? Don't make me laugh!
D!: Then what about this new team, Storm?
STYLIN' KYLE: They control the elements! Oooooh! They can make thunder and lightning! (Smirks.) After a night at Taco Bell, so can I! Get to steppin'!
D!: So, basically, you're willing to take on any team--
STYLIN' KYLE: The first priority of the New and Improved D-X is to give a title shot to one team: Wayne Wright and "The Moose" Mark Miller! They've shown the GUTS! They've shown INTENSITY!
(Pause.)
D!: . . . right. Unless it's the Decapitators, though. You dodge that bullet and you'll do just fine.
STYLIN' KYLE: There's no bullet to dodge. This (waves hands over books) is just the contingency plan. Mark my words: I'll find a loophole here!
D!: Golly! I guess you'd better hit the books, then, Filin' Kyle!
STYLIN' KYLE: Stylin' Kyle. (Muttering.) Soon to be "mud" if I don't figure this out.
D!: (Jumping to his feet.) The CRAP!? The Beast works here?
(Stylin' Kyle ducks behind table, jostling off half the pile of legal texts.)
D!: Oh, weird. False alarm.
(A Chapters bookseller walks in the shot. His nametag reads "Devin".)
DEVIN: (Points to the books.) I'm not cleaning that up, you know.
(A Chapters manager comes in. His nametag reads "Diego".)
DIEGO: Devin! We need more floor coverage! More, I say!
DEVIN: But he's already got every law book and every sports book we carry on that table.
DIEGO: Then you'll have to spread out the other books to make it look like NOTHING'S WRONG!
(Both Chapters men leave.)
D!: What a handsome manager!
STYLIN' KYLE: (Perturbed.) I didn't notice.
D!: What? I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to notice stuff like that. Speaking of which, Beast does seem miffed at you these days. Problems at home?
STYLIN' KYLE: What?
D!: Would you like me to call the cops? Maybe let you crash at my place until he can get some counseling?
STYLIN' KYLE: D, this is your first time wrestling, right?
D!: (Checks the title on his shoulder.) No, can't say that it is.
STYLIN' KYLE: What I mean is, NAPW is your first fed, right?
D!: (Robot voice.) That. Statement. Is. Correct.
STYLIN' KYLE: Have you even lost a match yet?
D!: (Smiles.) No. Guess I'm just one of those guys, huh?
STYLIN' KYLE: I am also "one of those guys." And so is D-X. Bruce takes losses very seriously. There's a reason we've held the Gastown tag belts for over a year straight!
D!: Because you've fled to Edmonton?
STYLIN' KYLE: Because we win! Who says we never defend these belts?
D!: You defend those belts? When does this happen?
STYLIN' KYLE: Does wrestling only happen on Mondays and Thursdays?
D!: So you're constanty driving between here and Medicine Hat.
STYLIN' KYLE: Gastown has weekend shows.
D!: Something tells me Beast does all the driving.
STYLIN' KYLE: He likes to drive.
D!: Yeah, I'll bet.
(Out of nowhere, The Beast walks up to the table, startling both men.)
BEAST: (To Stylin' Kyle.) Hey, whattya got there, champ? Mind if I take a look with you? (To a passing barista.) Hey, get me a double latte, extra foam, okay?
BARISTA: We don't do table service.
(Beast glares at her.)
BARISTA: Yes, sir . . . coming up . . .
(The barista rushes out of frame.)
D!: Beast! I'm so glad you're here! The NAPW fans have so many questions they still need answered! Roberts here has been keeping pretty mum about your loss to Decapitator Axe--
BEAST: Look. Even if that loss stays in the record books--(glares at Kyle)--I'm not a man to give up just because he's failed once. I learn from my failures, D. It's too bad The Decapitators haven't learned any lessons from all the times we've beat them down.
D!: Hello! This is my point! Diamond and Axe haven't given up, like Calgary Connection did . . .
(All three men look at the camera with an accusatory glance, then return to the conversation.)
D!: . . . in fact, they've challenged you after losing and got their opportunity back.
BEAST: For the time being. Kyle and I don't think that Monday's result was particularly fair.
D!: Because you lost?
BEAST: I'm not saying that the system's flawed, but look at it from my perspective: Thursday night, Ravager gets his foot on the ropes, and the match continues. Whereas I get my foot on the ropes, and the match is over. How can anyone expect to wrestle when the rules change night to night? That's setting a bad precedent.
D!: (Rising to his feet.) It was a hardcore match, Underfaker! The ref's only there to count the fall! Weren't you a little bit curious about . . . I don't know . . . the WEAPONS?
BEAST: You insulting my intelligence, boy?
D!: Let's just insult your crying over the rules and see where that develops, shall we?
(Beast shoots a look at Stylin' Kyle and he, too, stands.)
BEAST: I didn't come on this "show" to be insulted by you, D!. I thought you were giving us an opportunity to have our voices heard, not play favourites.
D!: Touché.
BEAST: Although I guess I should be happy we're not eating at that burger joint you're so fond of. Real high-class.
D!: No, I guess you'd rather have Stylin' Kyle cook for you.
(D-X instinctively suckers D! with a double clothesline, sending him flipping over the balcony railing and out of sight.)
D!: (Off.) AAAAUGH!!!
(And then a "thud" noise. Stylin' Kyle and Beast shoot each other an "Oh no!" look.)
D!: (Off.) I'M OKAY!
(Both men look over the balcony.)
BEAST: Well, I'll be damned. He really is.
STYLIN' KYLE: Thank God he landed on that giant foam store manager!
BEAST: (Shaking his head.) No. No, that really was the store manager.
(Pause.)
BEAST: You just know this is gonna end with police.
STYLIN' KYLE: FEETS, don't FAIL me now!
(And both men run off-frame. Pause. Stylin' Kyle runs back to the table, picks up a law book, shoves it under his jacket, then runs off again. Lights down.)
----------
Co-written with The Beast and Stylin' Kyle Roberts.