Mystic Exposition vs Jay O'Brien & Diablo

[Ryan Ro [NAPW]]

Mystic Exposition vs Jay O'Brien & Diablo

Shock the world! That's what Mystic Exposition did last week when, in Tagstravaganza, they not only pinned the REBEL tag champions The Foundation, but went toe-to-toe with Casino & Martyr to the surprise of everybody in attendance. Now Mystic Exposition look to build on their impressive showing when they take on the team of big-man Diablo and a former Chris Casino ally, the englishman Jay O'Brien.

[Jay O'Brien]

[Start.]

“NO! NO, GOD DAMN IT, NO! (BLEEP)ING HELL...”

[Fade in to see a lamp flying straight across camera, crashing into the wall, falling to the floor, but not broken. Jay O’Brien storms over, picks it up, throws it back the other way, this time harder, this time SMASHING on impact, shattering into a thousand pieces... yup, that did it.]

“NOT A-(BLEEP)ING-GAIN! ANDY! ANDY!!”

[Jay opens the locker room door, slamming it as he does so, and grabs Andy by the lapels.]

“YOU CAN COME IN NOW... I’M CALM.”

[Andy stares at Jay, wide eyed.]

AOB: You’re calm?

JOB: YES! I’M (BLEEP)ING CALM, YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING?

AOB: No, it’s just... calm people...

[Jay drags Andy into the room, and thuds the door shut behind them. He stops, takes a deep breath, closes his eyes.]

JOB: ANDY...

[Jay takes another deep breath.]

JOB: Andy... I need your help.

[Andy shrugs, cockily, and grins.]

AOB: I knew it! I knew this day would come! I knew you’d come back to your big brother for my advi----

JOB: Stone. Zellor.

[Jay finally releases his grab on Andy’s jacket, pats it back into place.]

JOB: I’ve gotta admit it, he’s got my number. DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE? ... I mean, did you see it?

AOB: Yeah, I saw it.

JOB: That SON OF A BITCH. Andy, I can’t take this... I’m going crazy here... I don’t (BLEEP)ING lose, what the hell?

AOB: Hey, it happens to the best of us... I’m pretty sure I must’ve lost once...

[Andy thinks, deeply.]

AOB: I can’t remember it, but I’m sure I must’ve...

JOB: Didn’t you lose your last match?

AOB: No. No.

JOB: No, you did. In that TEAM Tournament.

AOB: Oh, right, right... yeah... no, that wasn’t me.

JOB: Huh?

AOB: It wasn’t me. I didn’t have my head on. It wasn’t me.

[Jay looks perplexed. But at least he looks a bit calmer.]

JOB: Whatever, Andy, look... I... I can’t take this...

AOB: Yeah, losing’s tough. The best way to deal with losing is to just own up to it. Admit you lost, admit you were second best, and go from there.

[Jay just stares at Andy.]

JOB: What, like you just did? You just told me it WASN’T you that lost your lost match.

AOB: Yeah, well it wasn’t.

JOB: But---

AOB: Well, hey, you, me, not me, whatever, the fact is, you lost, yeah?

[Jay sighs.]

JOB: Yeah...

AOB: Right, right... and that’s STEP ONE on the road to recovery. Okay, Jay?

JOB: I guess...

AOB: There you go then.

[Andy nods in conclusion.]

JOB: AND?!

AOB: And what?

JOB: AND THEN WHAT?! You just said that’s step one!

AOB: Oh right... Err, well yeah. Step one. Then you move onto step two.

JOB: Which is?

AOB: Which is winning your next match.

[Jay shrugs his arms, exasperated.]

JOB: Well that’s great advice, Andy.

AOB: Thanks.

[Andy grins. And then Jay... slaps him?]

[Yep! Jay just slapped Andy, with his non-cast hand of course, right across the chops. HARD.]

AOB: DUUUUUUUUUDE...

JOB: You know something, Andy?! You’ve been nothing but a god DAMN hindrance ever since I got here! Now if you’re not gonna be of ANY use to me, you can get walking!

AOB: No, wait, Jay, you’re right… you’re right...

[Jay nods, aggressively.]

[And then Andy slaps HIM!]

AOB: GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

[Jay clenches his fist, brings it back...]

AOB: You want me to motivate you? Well GOD DAMN IT, I’LL MOTIVATE YOU! COME ON, JAY! WHAT THE (BLEEP)?! YOU JUST GOT BEATEN FOR THE SECOND TIME BY SOME GOD DAMN CHUMP WITH BRASS BALLS DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TROUSERS!

[Jay lowers his fist.]

AOB: You let yourself down, Jay. You let ME down. And most importantly of all, you let ME down.

[Yes, he said that one twice.]

AOB: So you know what we’re going to do?

JOB: What’s that?

AOB: We’re going to move onto STEP TWO of the path to success.

JOB: And that is?

AOB: What the hell, dude... I just told you. WIN YOUR NEXT MATCH.

[Jay rolls his eyes.]

AOB: You’re teaming with some chump named Diablo. And you’re facing two more chumps named Mystic Ninja and the Expositioner. So what you need to do, Jay, is get your (BLEEP)ing house in order.

JOB: Right.

AOB: So come on! Let’s do it!

[Jay stands around for a while.]

JOB: Do what?

[Andy shrugs.]

AOB: I dunno. Don’t look at me.

[OUT.]

[The road back to success........

..... BEGINS HERE!]

[Mystic Ninja]

[Mystic Ninja and the Expositioner, in costume and masked, are seated on high stools, sandwiching a big sack overflowing with mail.]

NINJA: Hi, I'm the Mystic Ninja.

EXPOSITIONER: And I'm the Expositioner.

NINJA + EXPO: Not our real names.

NINJA: Back in Gastown, we had a segment we liked to call 'Ask an Expert,' and we thought it'd be great to bring it over with us to NAPW.

EXPOSITIONER: We don't really receive this much mail, even on the best of days. I bet you didn't know that you could rent 'a sack of mail' from movie props places, and how inexpensive it really is. We'll be doing business with that company again.

NINJA: We also thought our opponents, Jay O'Brien and Diablo, could do with some levity and humour in their lives. We don't know them from a couple of 75-year-old, 400-lb, female Norwegian triathletes...

EXPOSITIONER: ...so they could be one and the same...

NINJA: ...but we're more than happy to enlighten our worthy opponents along with the rest of our fans. Here's this week's question: "My dearest Mystic Exposition," it begins, "I had a wonderful evening last week. I only wish our time together could have lasted a lifetime." Isn't that sweet? "I've always wondered, however: is professional wrestling an art or a science? And how can you use it to beat your opponents? With love and kisses, your dearest love, Mona Everettsonshire-Wattsel."

EXPOSITIONER: Well, Mona, it's difficult to say whether professional wrestling is an art or a science. Certainly there are elements of both in the performances of those within the ring, but also the way it is presented to an audience, including promos like the one we're doing now. As for how we can use it to beat our opponents, there's really only one way to determine that.

[The guys excitedly dash off screen. CUT TO a building exterior, where a hand-written sign proclaiming CANADIAN INSTITUTE FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH hangs on the door. The guys wave to the camera and enter the building.

[CUT TO a lab table filled with all manner of stereotypical lab equipment: bunsen burners, flasks of smoking liquid, beakers filled with boiling liquids of varying colours, and varying tubes to carry liquid from one container to another. A blackboard covered with chemical symbols and diagrams stands behind the table.

[Mystic Ninja and Expositioner walk in, wearing lab coats and safety goggles. Ninja sets himself up at the table, grabbing a dropper of fluid and a beaker of smoking fluid. Expo heads to the blackboard to fiddle with numbers and symbols.]

NINJA: Scientists are united in their support of professional wrestling as a science. It contains 14% trifluorobenzenine and is 4-phase soluble in a dichlorbutynol superconcentrate. so, by that logic, yes, professional wrestling is a science, and we can defeat both Jay O'Brien and Diablo using the scientific method.

EXPOSITIONER: (punctuating each statement with circling a figure on the board) A recent study by Norwegian scientists found that professional wrestling is at least 10% more science than pantomime, 14% more educational than Halo 2, and two standard deviations higher than Wayne Newton. By that logic, and based on a 2003 Gallup poll, there is likely to very likely chance that Jay O'Brien and Diablo will fall before us like so many straw men.

[The Mystic Exposition quickly dashes out the way they came. A couple of seconds later, a few real scientists come in, looking very confused and concerned at the changed and circled values on the board, and the now-sparking and smoking beaker on the table.

[CUT TO the stools and mail sack again. Ninja and Expo come back in, still wearing their lab coats.]

NINJA: So you see, Mona, and Jay and Diablo, it's a foregone conclusion that the Mystic Exposition will be running up one side of you and down the other. Science had proven beyond the shadow of a doubt--

EXPOSITIONER: Not really, Ninja. Science has merely indicated the likelihood that we'll severely pummel Jay O'Brien and Diablo into gibbering piles of wrestling goo. You hear that, Jay and Diablo? Science indicates time and again that when we enter the ring with you, the Mystic Exposition will emerge victorious!

NINJA: Don't go away, because next time, we'll see what the arts have to say about professional wrestling!

[FADE OUT]

[Mystic Ninja]

[FADE UP on the Mystic Exposition walking towards a building that has an AUDITIONS TODAY sign on the door.]

NINJA: Hi, I'm the Mystic--yada yada yada. We're here for the second part in our investigation into whether professional wrestling is science or art, and how we can use it to defeat our opponents, Jay O'Brien and Diablo.

EXPOSITIONER: And I'm Exp--blah blah blah. Thanks to a letter from longtime fan Mona Everettsonshire-Wattsel, we've embarked on a journey of discovery, where we may be able to state categorically whether professional wrestling is science or art. We determined last time that science favours our severe pummeling of Jay O'Brien and Diablo, but what do the arts say?

NINJA: I think we're about to find out.

[The guys smile and wave before going into the building. CUT TO a large, empty stage, with three severe-looking people seated behind long tables covered with papers and binders and photos. One man is dressed in a fashionable shirt and trousers and wears glasses. He has a bubble pipe in his mouth. To his left is an assistant type girl in more casual clothing. She writes frantically on her notepad. To the man's left is a clown.]

HARLON THE DIRECTOR: (to a happy man finishing up a tap number) Yes yes yes, but what can you do? no, this won't do at all. Cheryl, send in the next one.

CHERYL THE ASSISTANT: Mystic Ninja? Yes, Mystic Ninja, you're next.

[Ninja walks in wearing a toga over his normal costume. He is still masked and is carrying a skull and a loaded crossbow.

HARLON THE DIRECTOR: Ah, finally, something different! Well, Mystic, I am Harlon McAntzenpantz. this is my assistant, Cheryl, and this is German the Clown, our choreographer.

GERMAN THE CLOWN: LIKE ME, ZIS MAN IST AS EINE MIT HIS ID! PROCEEEEEEEEED!

CHERYL THE ASSISTANT: What are you doing for us today, Mr. Ninja?

NINJA: Just 'Ninja' will do, thank you. My monologue is from Octopus Sanchez's "...With a Twist." *ahem*

"Inverted superplex, O Ref, spinning reverse DDT
From atop yon buckle of turn, thou splashest onto me
Again and again thy suplexes German flip me
From upright to supine to pin one two three.

Whither tag team partner, ready is my hot tag
My hand to the corner, my hopes begin to sag
Interference illegal, the Ref is oft blind
But audience direction, He pays it no mind.

Pray tell, what's--"

HARLON THE DIRECTOR: That's excellent, Mr. Ninja. What else have you got for us?

GERMAN THE CLOWN: SHOW US ZE DANSE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

[Ninja puts down the skull in front of him but begins dancing with the crossbow. It is a waltz, and Ninja spins, dips and smiles at the crossbow as though it were a regular partner.]

GERMAN THE CLOWN: HALLLLLLLLLT! ZE DANCE IST SATISFACTORY!

CHERYL THE ASSISTANT: Do you have a song for us?

NINJA: Yes, sung to the tune of 'I am the very model of a modern major-general'. *ahem*

"I am the very picture a wrestler professional
I've been to meetings PTA, Masonic and congressional
I know the guys responsible for filming all our videos
From Arthur Khanisoongian to Noriyuki Hideo."

[Expositioner leaps in for the second verse, to the consternation of the auditioners. German the Clown is gesticulating madly.]

EXPOSITIONER: "I'm fairly well proficient with the slams and with the suplexes
I've done a flying elbow from the top of my old duplexes
There is no move from classic times that we two cannot reproduce
Diablo, Jay O'Brien, now prepare for some extreme abuse.

[Expositioner picks up the skull and begins tossing it around, while Ninja pretends to shoot it with the crossbow. They turn this into a dance.]

NINJA + EXPO: "In short, we'll beat you anywhere, the moon or a confessional
We are the very pictures of two wrestlers professional!"

[The crossbow goes off, impaling the skull that Expo had been holding next to his head, and sending it flying into the front of the auditioners' table, where it sticks.

Dead silence. The auditioners are stunned.

Finally, German the Clown shoots up from his chair, applauding.]

GERMAN THE CLOWN: ZAT VAS GEEEEEEEENIUS! I HAVE NEVER ZEEN ZUCH A NAKED DISPLAY OF REVERSE CATHARSIS! TERRIBLE SINGERS BUT BRILLIANT PERFORMERS, JA? I VILL COME SEE YOU FIGHT ZOSE DEVILS, DIABLO UND JAY O'BRIEN.

HARLON THE DIRECTOR: Uh, yes, that was... I'm sorry, gentlemen, but this audition is for the Band of Brothers musical. Come back next month when we audition for Follies. Cheryl, who's next?

[The guys exit the theatre.

NINJA: Well, it seems pretty conclusive to me, Mona, and Jay O'Brien and Diablo, the arts seem to favour professional wrestling as well, though not during wartime.

EXPOSITIONER: And at least one German expressionist clown choreographer will be rooting for us. That's a pretty significant percentage. I mean, how many German expressionist clown choreographers can there be in this town?

NINJA: (staring straight ahead as he talks) At least two.

EXPOSITIONER: Well, yes, I assumed--

NINJA: (still staring straight ahead) No, I mean at least two for sure. Look.

[NInja points. The camera turns to show a street performer shouting at his audience volunteers, each of whom is holding a bunch of misshapen balloon animals that the performer pops with his oversized glove. The performer is dressed in a severe brown military uniform with a squirting flower on his lapel, a propeller beanie, and black floppy clown shoes in addition to his oversized white glove hands. A sandwich board near his performance area proclaims him to be Der Klowne Deutschelander.]

EXPOSITIONER: Ah, such a mix of Apollonian and Dionysian aestheticism. Nietzsche would have loved this.

NINJA: Well, there you have it. Jay O'Brien, Diablo, you've really got nothing on your side. Arts, science, we've got it all. And when we meet you in the ring, we'll bring a one-two punch the likes of which you've never seen.

EXPOSITIONER: If German the Clown shows up, that is. And maybe this guy. Wouldn't it be surreal to watch those two in a clown-off?

[FADE OUT]

[Mystic Ninja]

[A bright, colourful title sequence excitedly tells us that it's THE MYSTIC EXPOSITION IN WRESTLETOWN!. A cute animated Mystic Ninja and a cute animated Expositioner pop in, in costume, and smile and wave. The colours are garish and the animation blocky, the voice acting is over-exuberant.

CUT TO the animated guys walking through a happy town filled with wrestling themed buildings: ring bell shaped buildings, ring shaped, titantron shaped.]

CARTOON NINJA: Expoooo, how are we going to beat Jay O'Brien and Diablo? I mean, besides with our usual punching and kicking and throwing and pinning? Waaaaaaaa!

CARTOON EXPOSITIONER: I'm a brilliant tactician, Ninja, and even I don't know we're gonna do it! We'd better come up with something soon or else we'll have to resort to violence, POW POW POW!

[They pass a poster advertising ALL-CITY DANCE COMPETITION TODAY! A light bulb flicks on above the guys' heads.]

CARTOON EXPOSITIONER: That's it! We'll challenge them in the dance competition!

CARTOON NINJA: You're a genius, Expo! (big grin)

CARTOON EXPOSITIONER: I know that a lot. (winks at the camera)

[A montage of scenes leading up to the dance competition. The guys meet the cartoon versions of Jay O'Brien and Diablo; they challenge them to the dance competition; they practise moves; they buy costumes; they race to the school gym; a few other groups compete.

Jay O'Brien take the stage and do a tremendous dance routine to outrageous applause throughout. They do impossible septuple spins in the air, multi-action shots of spectacular jumps and turns, and wow the crowd until the crowd could not be wowed anymore.]

CARTOON NINJA: Waaa, those guys are really good. Are our moves going to be good enough? Will we style enough?

CARTOON EXPOSITIONER: We will style all styles once we use this! (whips out a folding chair)

CARTOON NINJA: The Solid Steel Magic Chair! AWESOME!!

[Ninja braces himself as if to take a sick chair shot to the head, but when Expositioner swings it, the chair passes right through Ninja, leaving him more sparkly than before. A sequence full of action lines and spinning cameras sees Ninja's outfit grow into metal armour plates with transparent wings and things. His mask becomes a face plate with the Mystic Exposition logo on it.

[Ninja reciprocates, leaving Expo glowing redder. A similar animated sequence sees his outfit grow into similar armour, but with different transparent wings and things. Expo's mask turns into armoured goggles.

[They pose!]

CARTOON EXPOSITIONER: (with a more heroic voice) Ninja! I can see Jay O'Brien and Diablo's dance moves on my X-Optogoggs. I'm sideloading the information into my Dynapak!

CARTOON NINJA: (with a techno-processed voice) I'm transloading it into my Dynapak now! Once I change Voco-comm modes to 'beatbox,' we'll beat them for sure!

CARTOON ANNOUNCER: And now, our last team: Mystic Exposition!

[The crowd goes mild. No one could possibly defeat Jay O'Brien and Diablo's ultimate performance. Two cute animated girls with love in their eyes (literally! They're big hearts!) and signs shouting I LOVE MYSTIC NINJA and I LOVE EXPOSITIONER cheer and scream. The guys blow kisses to them as they take the stage.

[The Mystic Exposition dance number is a flurry of quick cuts, frenetic music and moves that can only be done by animated dancers. At one point, their dancing is so awesome that all the other teams come out to act as backup dancers, precisely synchronized and fully supportive of the Mystic Exposition. The crowd soon gets into the spirit of things and soon grow louder and more exicted than they were for Jay O'Brien and Diablo. Those two guys, meanwhile, are grumbling backstage; they didn't come out with the others.

when they finish, pyro goes off all over the stage and the crowd erupts, filling the school gym with streamers and confetti and glitter. The emcee dashes out to pronounce the winners.]

CARTOON ANNOUNCER: The winners: Mystic Exposition! And your trophy is--whaaaaa? Where is the trophy? Oh no, Jay O'Brien and Diablo stole it!

CARTOON NINJA: (looks at Expo) You know what that means, don't you, partner?

CARTOON EXPOSITIONER: (looks at Ninja) Of course I do. I'm a friggin' genius.

CARTOON NINJA + CARTOON EXPO: BINGO TANGOOOOOOOOOO!

[They start to run after the 'bad guys.' Freeze frame. CUT TO the real Mystic Exposition watching their animated selves on a television. They are shocked and appalled.]

EXPOSITIONER: I warned you against letting Hideo and his art school friends do the promo. We should have known something was up when he didn't ask for our input. It was a caricature, nothing more. I don't believe I come across as a know-it-all. And while I understand he was under extreme time and budget constraints, the final product should have seen more polish. At 24 frames a second, digital editing and processing would have made it much less of a chore than traditional hand-painted cels. And why did he make it a cliffhanger ending, anyhow? In case our conflict with Jay O'Brien and diablo turns into some kind of grudge match?

NINJA: He, uh, he said they'd done character designs for everyone on the roster. You should see The Bee. He's an actual Bee! Bee-sized! Hideo's using this for extra class credit and making it part of his portfolio. I think it's his dream to produce anime shows.

EXPOSITIONER: The old anime tropes are certainly evident.

NINJA: We can still use it, right? It still works?

EXPOSITIONER: Yes, it will still work. Let's just get on with it. (turns suddenly to the camera) Jay O'Brien and Diablo, not only have we proven that the arts and sciences support your inevitable defeat, but we have now, through our use of the animated medium, proven that even in a reality where the laws of physics are cinematic exaggerations of our own we will beat you.

NINJA: Can you imagine how easy it would be to defeat you in the real reality? Oh, we'll show you... next time!