TAGSTRAVAGANZA II - Gauntlet 1

[Mystic Ninja]

[FADE UP on an auditorium stage with a microphone and mic stand in the middle of it. A large screen at the back of the stage loops the Mystic Exposition logo plus the "Kayfabe never tasted so good" tagline. The auditorium is decked out in the Mystic Exposition's colours of burgundy and blue, and the crowd (not visible) is abuzz with annoyed mutterings.

[The Expositioner, dressed in casual clothing, walks confidently up to the microphone, which is very live and broadcasts every sound, from footsteps to breathing to gupling. He leans in very close to the microphone and begins speaking. The crowd barely quiets down, and the strains of 'Pomp and Circumstance' are piped in.]

EXPOSITIONER: Hey, I'm not a jobber, or a main eventer.

[The screen behind Expositioner begins flashing pictures of whatever he's talking about.]

EXPOSITIONER: I don't live in my car or drink protein shakes, or have a ring in my backyard. And I don't know the McMahons or the Jarretts or the Harts, although I'm certain they're really, really busy.

I wear pants, not tights.
I speak Japanese and Spanish, but only for certain moves.
And my brother's name is Terry, not Larry.

I can proudly sew buttons back onto my shirt.
I believe in being excited, not angsty,
positive, not negative,
and that the Bee is a truly proud and noble performer.
A moonsault is a backflip, a plancha is a dive to the outside,
And it's pronounced 'enzuigiri,' not 'enzuguri,' 'enzuigiri'!

I'm part of a tag team!
Competing in Tagstravaganza II!
All courtesy of NAPW!

I am the Expositioner!
And I am a professional wrestler!

[The music abruptly cuts out as the Mystic Ninja, also dressed casually, rushes out onto the stage. The muttering from the crowd has only increased and has grown decidedly more hostile.]

NINJA: Expo! We gotta get outta here, and fast!

EXPOSITIONER: (puzzled) Why didn't they cheer?

NINJA: Expo! Hey! Pay attention! We've got, like, a hundred angry parents storming the place right now. Some of them have probably already called their friends in here with their cell phones! We need to book it, and pronto!

EXPOSITIONER: What happened?

NINJA: I don't know. I didn't stay long enough to get the whole story, but it has something to do with child labour laws and all those kids we used in our last couple of spots.

EXPOSITIONER: You said it was all taken care of! You showed me the consent forms! I FILED THEM!

NINJA: We were on a schedule.



SOCCER MOM: There they are!

[The Mystic Exposition give each other a quick look before tkaing off like a shot in the opposite direction. A succession of quick camera shots show them running off stage, back through the crossover, downstairs, and past dressing rooms, closely followed by the angry mob.

EXPOSITIONER: No parental consent, then?

NINJA: Not even a little bit. The parents didn't even know.

[The Mystic Exposition runs up a different flight of steps and push open an emergency foor. A loud klaxon goes off as the guys rush outside and continue running, the parents falling a little behind but still in hot pursuit. Some of the smarter ones break off toward the parking lot. Ninja and Exposition continue running.]

EXPOSITIONER: Then where did--?

NINJA: A couple of schools near your place. It was lunchtime.

EXPOSITIONER: How--?

NINJA: Paid them each twenty bucks.

EXPOSITIONER: You WHAT?!



EXPOSITIONER: Ninja, not only did we break some child labour laws, but that's child abduction on top of it! This could threaten our appearance at Tagstravaganza!

NINJA: Yeah, I know, that's why I called the school after I returned the kids!

EXPOSITIIONER: You didn't?

NINJA: Told the school not to worry since the kids were working and we paid them fair and square.

EXPOSITIONER: But how--?

NINJA: The kids wanted autographed photos.

EXPOSITIONER: And--?

NINJA: I can't turn down an autograph request. I said the parents could come down to the theatre if they wanted their own autographs.

EXPOSITIONER: You idiot! How's this going to look to everybody, huh? Integrity and wisdom, remember that? We made a promise to our fans and our industry! And we're throwing it all away because you didn't want to do PAPERWORK?!

NINJA: So sue me!

EXPOSITIONER: I'm sure they will!

NINJA: Quick! In here!

[The Mystic Exposition duck into some sort of soundstage. It is dark except for a brightly backlit, blue panel. Everything else is in silhouette. Ninja appears to be searching the floor for something. The Expositioner is recovering.]

EXPOSITIONER: Are we safe here?

NINJA: Probably not.

EXPOSITIONER: Then why are we stopping? And where are we? Those parents probably saw us duck in here!

NINJA: Ah, here it is.

[Ninja picks something up, follows a long string with his hand and brings it up to his ear.]

NINJA: Dropped my iPod on the way here.

EXPOSITIONER: We stopped here for an iPod?!

[Ninja presses PLAY on his iPod. The Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" starts playing as angry parents burst through the door. The guys take off once again, silhouetted against the backlit panel. "Sabotage" continues playing. The guys exit into the sunlight through another door, emerging in front of a huge crowd of angry parents, screaming happy children jumping up and down, and more than a few police officers and cruisers.

[Seeing no escape through the mob, and with the door behind them blocked, Ninja and Expositioner raise their hands in surrender.]

[FADE OUT]

---------------

[FADE UP on Ninja and Expositioner, who are once again in costume and masked, sitting on stools. The camera is very slowly pulling back as the two guys speak.]

NINJA: Hi, I'm the Mystic Ninja.

EXPOSITIONER: And I'm the Expositioner.

NINJA + EXPO: Not our real names.

NINJA: We learned a valuable lesson today. We learned that it doesn't matter whether you're a professional wrestler or Chinese or wearing a mask or an ice cream man or a clown or a guy always parked beside a schoolyard. If you're not a kid's parent or guardian, and you take him (or a few of them) out of school without telling anyone, that's child abduction. And that's wrong.

EXPOSITIONER: We also learned that Ninja here should no longer be responsible for the paperwork side of things. All of that will now be done by me.

[The camera pulls back further, past the cold iron bars of a holding cell. A few other tough-and-tumble guys are in the cell, sitting quietly off to one side, watching the Mystic Exposition.]

NINJA: We promise to never again take a child out of school, or to employ them, without their parent's or guardian's permission. We also promise to contact the school before doing so, if such work occurs during regular school hours.

EXPOSITIONER: We understand that this recorded apology is a condition of our release, pending a further investigation. We acknowledge that, if the investigation warrants it, our release order may be rescinded by the court. to further compensate the children and parents who were inconvenienced by our stunt, we have purchased a block of tickets to Tagstravaganza on their behalf. (looks off screen) Will that suffice, sirs?

[The camera pans over to a small group of officers, parents, and lawyers. After some silent consultation, they nod and one officer opens the cell door.]

EXPOSITIONER: All right, let's get out of here. We still need to prepare for Tagstravaganza. (looks slightly above the camera) Thanks for coming down, Terry.

CAMERAMAN: What are brothers for?

NINJA: Yeah, thanks, Terry. Hey, guess who's one of our opponents at Tagstravaganza?

CAMERAMAN: I dunno, who?

NINJA + EXPO: ...Assman.

[The camera starts vibrating as Terry starts giggling uncontrollably. Some of the other guys in the cell and some of the parents and officers start giggling too. The camera starts to follow the guys out, but Terry's laughter forces him to stop. Ninja and Expositioner can be seen giving each other a high-five.

[FADE OUT to the Mystic Exposition logo, with Terry's laughter still audible.]

[Sebastien Martyr]

[shadow=orange,left,300]The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. [/shadow]

[glow=red,2,300]SEBASTIEN MARTYR AND CHRIS CASINO ARE THE SHEPHERDS OF NAPW![/glow]

Fade into a church... a familiar one seen before. Deacon Al B. Damned is at the podium, and is greeting everyone. The crowd is only women, dressed for a funeral or Manson concert. Just then during the announcements we see Sebastien walk in and stop the opening.

Sebastien: It has been informed to me that the young lady who met the unfortunate duo of myself and Mr. Casino... is indeed paralyzed from the maneuver I call the "Sacrifice." Furthermore, she has requested the prayers of any churches for her recover, and here at the House of Martyr, we aim to please.

Everyone bow their heads in silence. As Al leads the house in prayer.

AL: Dear Martyr, thank you for the wonderful fruit baskets for the pre sermon snack. This girl... who's neck was damaged doing a hobby she had no business doing.. she needs your help. The Martyr giveth and the Martyr taketh away... so as you take away her ability to walk, to live a normal life... could you give what life she had left, a purpose? Please in the name of man, the myth, the legend... The Martyr.

The all raise their heads from the prayer.

Sebastien: Now that we got that out of the way.. The House of Martyr is currently accepting donations for Project Montana Mayhem, to cover the costs of the trip me and Mr. Casino took part in. We need around 1500 dollars for trip, and every bit helps.

Al B. Damned takes around the collection plate, and the girls give generously.

Sebastien: No matter how you earned the money, it's all good money here. Now to get on with the message today. This message is all about stealing. What is destined to be mine, and the thieves who intend to steal that very thing from me. They are over twenty men, who aim to take the NAPW tag team titles this Tuesday. But it's not going to happen. They aim for the moon, and may end up among stars, but if you travel into my Galaxy.. Call me a meteor knocking you off the path. I, along with my more than capable tag team partner, will dominate mortal men. They might bleed, they might end up needing the Martyr's prayer. They may even lay in hospital beds for days, but the end result will all have me and Casino wearing gold belts.

Sebastien: This isn't about how the competition aren't capable of winning. I'm not going to tell everyones weaknesses and try to convince the world how much they lack compared to us. The truth is that the only thing that we can be sure of... is what we do. We can be the last draw coming in, or the first. It doesn't matter. Casino is a former Pure Honor, Tag team, Provincial, and NAPW Champ. Him and winning bed together many nights, and more than he beds losing. He has an owed right to the belts that Rees and Banks carry. In fact, you could say that they are Interim champs. After Tuesday, no disputing who is the very best. Casino and myself will triumph over the evil men that lurk in this event.

Sebastien: The very thought of this company being lead and following the example of someone else, besides us... is downright sickening. The fans are in need of something fresh, something new, especially in the ranks of tag division. The two great singles wrestlers equal an awesome tag team is once again put to the test. The sheer quantity of thrown together tag teams, shows the importance of winning gold. Strangers in bed with strangers, all for the common goal of achieving tag team nirvana. But the simple difference lies in what me and Chris have in common.

We are both dark and heartless.

We are willing to win at all cost.

We are never one to give up, or quit until the job is done.

We have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

We are more a like than any team going in to the event.

Sebastien: The other night, I stabbed a man in the head with a metal crucifix, and he bled all over my hands. I saved the bloody towel, putting it next to the others. The blood exited his body, and it became the syrup of serenity for me. I came to this calm, relaxed state. The same state achieved after Sacrificing the girl. Those things are making me love wrestling, more every day. Casino will never hesitate to make a man bleed, spit in his open oozing wound, and smack him again for crying like a dying old woman. The evil that plagues the NAPW is wiped away with the tag team gold wrapping around our waists. Then shepherd in a new generation, or era of tag team greatness.

Sebastien: The thieves that plan on robbing the deserving men of that gold, shall walk through the gates of Hell, and enter the belly of the beast. Tonight we shall pray for the unfortunate souls who are in Gauntlet one, and the victors of Gauntlet two. Those men, are entering a world of pain not matched by anything they have ever faced.

AL: In Martyr's name, take the souls of the victims of the TAGSTRAVAGANZA, and make them overcome the blood loss, the broken bodies, the smashed dreams, the dashed hopes and the on going depression of always losing to fine men like Sebastien Martyr and Chris Casino. There's no chance for survival facing those two men, and they should really not even show up. The gold is a good as ours, I mean Casino's and Martyr's, and everyone else is just a step in the right direction. Amen.

Sebastien: In closing I'd like to inform the world that cheering against us just fuels are fire. The evil taunts, the derogatory signs, and hate mail, is all fueling the fire. The fire that will scorch the tag team division down to it's very core. The new landscape will be left charred and black. Two men will be seen all over the new landscape, and those two men have Malicious Intent. Mark my words NAPW, the wickedness shall continue long after this event, and never ever let up. But with the shepherds like us... Rest assured that at least you can trust your leaders. Chris Casino, Sebastien Martyr, new tag team champs or else.

Fade to black.

[Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL]]

(It's a rainy Saturday afternoon in Edmonton's downtown district. We're in Churchill Square, as Stylin' Kyle Roberts is walking towards the east entrance of the City Centre mall. He opens the door, and the camera cuts to catch Kyle entering the mall. Kyle's jaw just drops. He looks shocked. The camera swivels around to show the CBC Edmonton main stage open, and Mike "The Assman" Trey is standing to the side, talking to a station employee. A banner over the main stage proclaims a "NAPW TAGSTRAVAGANZA II PARTY." People are sitting down on benches. Kyle walks over to Mike.)

KYLE ROBERTS: (to the employee) Excuse us a second.

(He pulls Mike aside.)

KYLE ROBERTS: What the (BLEEP) is this?

MIKE TREY: What does it LOOK like, mate?

KYLE ROBERTS: It looks like something stupid that I shouldn't give a shit about.

MIKE TREY: Oh, I see. When you give me your arguments for why you hate the fans, I'm supposed to sit there silently and nod? What about my side of the story?

KYLE ROBERTS: Huh?

MIKE TREY: I went out of my way to show you that fans don't have to be scorned! I talked to CBC, who, by the way, were very interested in me, REBEL, NAPW, and the return of Stylin' Kyle Roberts to the city of Edmonton.

KYLE ROBERTS: What?

MIKE TREY: 'Struth! So the LEAST you can do for me, mate, is sit down, enjoy the proceedings, and listen to my arguments about how these blokes aren't half-bad!

(Kyle, speechless, sits down in a chair provided for him by CBC staff. Mike sits beside him as the crew sets up. CBC radio personality Peter Brown enters and shakes the hands of both Trey and Roberts.)

PETER BROWN: Are we ready? (A cameraman gives him a thumbs up.) Hello, Edmonton! I'm sitting down with two participants in this week's Tagstraganza, a wrestling show hosted by the New Alberta Pro Wrestling. These two will be fighting for a chance to hold the NAPW tag titles, and were gracious enough to take time out of their preparations to talk to us on both CBC Edmonton television and radio. I'd like to welcome Mike "The Assman" Trey and Stylin' Kyle Roberts. Thanks for being here, guys.

MIKE TREY: Thank you for having us.

PETER BROWN: Now, first off, you two usually wrestle in the States, right?

MIKE TREY: That's right. Kyle and I wrestle for NAPW's sister company, REBEL Pro Wrestling, in Raleigh, North Carolina.

PETER BROWN: Is this the first time you've been to Edmonton, Mike?

MIKE TREY: Well, yeah. Last week, I was involved in a eight-man tag match, and this week is Tagstravaganza. But I must say, Edmonton is such a beautiful place to be.

PETER BROWN: Good thing you came this month, instead of last month. In May, there's no snow lingering about.

KYLE ROBERTS: Even in May, you can't be too careful.

PETER BROWN: (chuckles) True enough. Is this a normal sort of match?

MIKE TREY: Nah, mate. Tagstravaganza's quite a bit different from other wrestling shows. There's two matches where various tag teams compete, and the winners of those two matches go on to fight in a steel cage. It should be quite the bout.

PETER BROWN: Have you two ever been in matches quite like this?

KYLE ROBERTS: Well, I was involved in the first Tagstravaganza last year, but it wasn't as complex as this one. Granted, that might be because they're trying to overshadow my brainchild. I created the first one after the tag teams weren't being given a match at the first NAPW pay-per-view.

MIKE TREY: This is my first time.

PETER BROWN: This is your first Tagstravaganza?

MIKE TREY: Yeah, mate, I've only been involved with REBEL since the start of April. Kyle's been part of NAPW since the very beginning.

KYLE ROBERTS: But I thought I'd try going down south and seeing how well I'd do in a different setting.

PETER BROWN: How are you doing?

KYLE ROBERTS: You win some, you lose some. But I've won enough to get me a shot at the biggest belt REBEL has in two weeks' time. The belt I've been shooting for since day one.

PETER BROWN: What brought you two together as partners?

KYLE ROBERTS: Well, we're currently on a trial basis right now. But if you happened to catch the NAPW/REBEL supershow, Mike here showed all the Edmonton fans and wrestlers just how good he was. Me, I saw it earlier, and told him about the Tagstravaganza coming up. So we decided to go for it.

MIKE TREY: And Kyle's got the goods, no question. Five time NAPW tag champ. If you go around to different American federations, you'll hear stories about the New and Improved D-X, the team Kyle used to be in. When they travelled to different places, they'd come in, kick ass, and Bob's your uncle.

PETER BROWN: Speaking of ass, why do they call you the Assman?

(Mike smarks, and raises out of his seat, to the delight of some females in the audience.)

MIKE TREY: Because I can give a little wiggle, and the hens go mad.

(Mike does give a little wiggle. And the ladies swoon. We fade to black.)

* * *

(We fade in on the two men in Kyle's hotel room. It's the Hotel Macdonald! It's swanky!



Kyle's drinking a bottle of Alexander Keith's. Mike sits down on the couch and pulls a bottle out of a chilled container.)

MIKE TREY: Well, that went well. Other than when Peter asked you to show him the Bear-tamer.

KYLE ROBERTS: I warned him it would hurt. He should just be glad I took it easy on him.

MIKE TREY: So, what did you think?

KYLE ROBERTS: I don't mind doing interviews. They're done by people who are just doing their job. My problem is most of the fans you'll see in Polish Hall. The people who are only in it to watch you fail. Sure, they'll cheer you if you do a good job, but they love to jeer the losers more. It's how they get off.

MIKE TREY: You can't seriously think that!

KYLE ROBERTS: Look, Mike, I understand what you're trying to do. Good for you, the fans love you. I wish you all the best with that. But Kyle Roberts don't play that. I've been burned way too many times before.

MIKE TREY: So I guess you won't be needing those digits you picked up from those birds afterwards.

KYLE ROBERTS: There's a big difference between hotties and wrestling fanboys, Mike. I'll be keeping those numbers. Oh, by the way, they'll be coming over tonight.

MIKE TREY: I beg your pardon?

KYLE ROBERTS: Dude! I'm staying at the Hotel Macdonald! Of COURSE I'm going to play that card! "Hey, ladies, ever partied it up at the Hotel Macdonald?" Man, you should have seen the come-hither looks in their eyes.

MIKE TREY: Well, good luck with that.

KYLE ROBERTS: It's never about luck with me. Strictly skill. Skill with the ladies, skill in the ring, it's all the same. Let's face it. You've got me, the number on contender for Rex's belt. You've got you, REBEL's newest wunderkind. Between us, how can we lose? Emerald Fusion! Assassination! Bear-Tamer!

MIKE TREY: The Ass-cracker!

KYLE ROBERTS: Yeah, you might want to reconsider renaming that. Sounds like you stuck a Ritz up your cheeks or something.

MIKE TREY: It cracks the ass!

KYLE ROBERTS: Yeah, sure it does. Look, the point is this: It doesn't matter who we're against. Just follow my lead, and we'll go into Tagstravaganza with a full head of steam! And then we'll go into that cage match and show the other bracket exactly what REBEL wrestling is all about!

MIKE TREY: You do know that it's not REBEL-rules, right?

KYLE ROBERTS: Trust me, I've only been out of NAPW for two months. I'll go into there knowing all the tricks of how to pull off our style of wrestling in a more rigid environment. And when you've got a ring general like me, all you need to do is back me up. Show our opponents why you got all those cheers at the supershow. Show NAPW why you're the Assman!

MIKE TREY: And knock the snickers off all those blokes' faces!

KYLE ROBERTS: That's the spirit! Why are they laughing behind your back? Or even in front of your front? You've got a huge advantage in the fact that nobody expects you to win this thing! And that's our ace in the hole! Look out, NAPW! Kyle and Mike are tearing the place down! We're taking those belts away from the Crimes, just like I've done in the past!

(The phone rings. Kyle answers it.)

KYLE ROBERTS: Hello? Yes, send them up. (He hangs up.) But first? I've got some ladies to impress.

MIKE TREY: (putting his arm around Kyle's shoulders) You mean WE'VE got some ladies to impress. Partner!

(We fade to black.)

KYLE ROBERTS: (voice over) No, I'm serious. Take a walk for a few hours. The Sherlock Holmes Pub is right down the street, if you want to feel at home. They've got bangers and mash! Yorkshire pudding! Now scram.

[Simply Beautiful]

Fade in. SB, standing against a red brick wall. His usual get up is replaced with a red polo shirt and a pair of khakis. He looks determined, focused – maybe even a little bit angry.

SB: You know, I’ve been having a rough go of it the last few months. And every single time it looks like I’m gonna finally yank my head out of the gutter, something or somebody comes and kicks it right back down. Whether it’s an old friend, an ex-fiancee, a big loss, or anything else under the sun, something always happens that rains all over my parade.

Well not this time. Not at Tagstravaganza. I’m on a mission. A brand new one, not unlike the one I was on to win the NAPW Championship. But it’s not just about gold anymore. It’s about this. (pounds his chest) It’s about manning up, and kickin’ ass without worrying about the consequences, or what’s waiting around the corner. The church bells just might be tolling for me in two weeks in Calgary, but even if Brian Bruno kills me in that ring I’ll die a man. I’ll die knowing that I had no regrets, and I left it all in the ring. So what does that mean for my opponents at Tagstravaganza?

No mercy.

No remorse.

No repent.

I’ll bleed. I’ll bite. I’ll scratch, I’ll stab my mother in the back. Whatever it takes – no price is too steep. I’ve been dragged down now for too long – it’s time to let it all hang loose, baby. So shoot me again, NAPW. I ain’t (BLEEP)ING DONE YET!

SB gets up and punches the camera!

Static before a quick cut to commercial.