Flipper

["Superstar" Deathrow]

Voice: "COME ONE! COME ALL! COME SEE THE GREATEST DISILLUSIONIST ALIVE!"

(The voice comes from a young, freckle faced, red hair teen, standing on the street corner in downtown Edmonton.)

Kid: "She's the best illusionist in Edmonton... in Canada... in the WORLD! Come see Vannesa Forma, born right here in the greatest city on earth, EDMONTON!"

(The boy speaks with that traditional street slingin playe accent that many have grown to know and love from the likes over NAPW's very own -Insert name here-.)

Kid: "That's right... see the one, the only... MISS N. FORMA!"

(Suddenly, a puff of smoke consumes us, and from it slowly emerges a gorgeous young woman, probably in her twenties, with long flowing, dark hair, tanned skin and radiant black eyes. Her beauty is only marred by the hacking cough.)

Forma: "ACK! Dammit, Timmy, I said one can! ONE CAN!"

Timmy: "Oh... ew... sorry."

Forma: "I can't breath up he... er..."

(She notices the wide eyed crowd of people around her, all staring intently, absorbing the scene.)

Forma: "Ack... Welcome one and all, I am the great Miss N. Forma, Disillusionist extroidenaire.

(Some of the fans grumble a little, seemingly skeptical.)

Forma: "Please, I ask to just sit with me for five minutes, and you will all be amazed! In fact, I'll start off with a bang. I'm going to transform each one of you into what you've always wanted to be! Any volunteers?"

(Immediatly, a skinny guy, with glasses, a part and a pocket protector, raises his hand.)

Forma: "Yes, the gentlemen who won't be getting laid anytime soon? What's your name?"

Nerd: "Erumm... my uh... name is... Robert."

(Each pause, he takes a breath through his running nose.)

Forma: "What would you like to become or change about yourself?"

Robert: "Well... you see... there's this guy... he's always... picking on me... I need to do something... to stop it... can you make me cooler?"

Forma: "What is this person's name, my weak little friend?"

Robert: "His... name is... Jerry."

Forma: "Ok... Jerry the bully who is picking on Robert. And a one and a two and a..."

(Another poof surrounds Robert and he comes coughing out, still the same.)

Robert: "Ack! Hey... I'm... still... the same? What gives?"

Forma: "Oh, well, Robert, you'll never be strong enough to defend yourself, or be cool enough to have sex, so what I've done is given you a nice fancy computer, so you can waste away countless hours of your life posting on websites and forums and pretending to be someone your not, just like the millions of geeky losers across the globe like you. That way, you'll never have to leave your room for the bully to pick on you!"

Robert: "What... wait... it isn't a Mac is it?"

Forma: "My goodness, no."

Robert: "YIPEE!"

(Robert takes off with his fancy new laptop into the distance.)

Forma: "Is there anyone else I can assist today?"

(Suddenly, a little ten year old boy chimes in.)

Boy: "Oh, me... please pick me."

Forma: "Hello young man. What's your name?"

Boy: "Well... my Mommy says its not safe to talk to strangers and my Daddy says the government might be out to get me if I say too much..."

Forma: "I'm not a stranger. You know my name. And your father is an idiot."

Boy: "That's what Mommy says. So, my name is Andy."

Forma: "Short for Andrew?"

Andy: "Yep. Andy Flash!"

Forma: "Ok, young Andrew, what's your story?"

Andy: "I like Harry Potter."

Forma: "Oh, no, sweetheart, I mean what do you want from me?"

Andy: "Oh, well, I joined this new club, right. But none of the members seem to like me. I didn't ask to join, I just kind of showed up, and then asked later, but the President, he's got a funny accent, he felt bad for me and let me in anyway. And when I got there, I told them how I was gonna be the bestest kid in the club and make the club so much cooler since I was there."

Forma: "So you got a big head?"

Andy: "That's what they said. But my Mommy says my head is small and normal. Not like that funny kid from across the street... uhh... his last name is Anderson, but I forget his first name. I just know what it says on his mailbox. He has a big funny looking head, and gets to ride in this cool chair with wheels on it. My Daddy calls him waterhead and retard, but I don't know what those words mean. All I know is that the people in the club don't like me for some reason."

Forma: "Oh, well I certainly know your solution. And a one and a two and a ..."

(Poof.)

Andy: "What'd I get?"

Forma: "This brand new, shiny roll of electrical tape!"

Andy: "Huh?"

Forma: "That's right, you put it firmly over your mouth and shut the heck up. Now no one will have to listen to you and you'll think before saying something. This will help with people liking you! Congratulations! And maybe you'll inhale some glue too."

Andy: "I LOVE GLUE! YAY!"

(The boy runs off again.)

Forma: "Ok, who's next?"

(Suddenly, Pulp Fiction music hits and there is a man, wearing a black tuxedo with dark glasses on.)

Forma: "Who the hell are you?"

Guy: "Da names Christopher Casona."

Forma: "Chris Casino?"

Christopher: "No, Christopher Casona, lady bitch with the nice rack"

Forma: "hehe... Why thanks. So what's a strapping man like you doing here?"

Christopher: "Well, see, all my life I've wanted to be a High roller... but da boss says I'm not good enough. I wasa wonderin' if yous could make me into one?"

Forma: "Hmm... OK I'VE GOT IT! And a one... and a two... and a..."

(Suddenly, POOF! The smoke clears and Christopher is standing there, but his entire attire has changed. He's now wearing wrestling tights, high black boots and no shirt.)

Christopher: "Hey, what da hell happened to mah suit? I just bought dat thing from Target!"

Forma: "Relax... ur wish has been granted. Your disillusionment is complete."

Christopher: "What da f..."

Forma: "Now, now, this is a family presentation. I made you into a wrestler! It seems to be the thing, nowadays, for wannabes to go into wrestling. Especially, that NAPW one. SO you should fit right in with those guys. Take some hits an bingo its done, go and see! Quick Carl"

Christopher: "Christopher... But whatever, youz right. I'll never be a real High roller... nows I can go get paid to get my ass beat all da time like that Krenshov guy an his other friend Kurtis!"

Forma: "That's right, and maybe one day you'll get lucky and actually win an important match and get put in with some other people who actually deserve to be there!"

Christopher: "YEAH ITS A DREAM COME TRUE! I'll be just like that one guy from the NAPW. I'll even show fake hits on television so that little kids will want to grow up to be just like me! Then I'll pretend I have some fans, and refer to them occasionally! I mean, afterall, deyz the one who pays mah check right! And den I'll say I'm gonna hurt my opponents, cuz I don't gotsta talent to win da match, but if I hurt em, I might could wait for da kill later. I'm sure if I hurt em enough, I'll eventually have a chance, right?"

Forma: "You're exactly right! Now go, before it's too late!"

Christopher: "Thanks lady, ur da best!"

Forma: "Ok, my last one, before I go. Who's next?"

Lady: "Pick me, Miss N. Forma! Can you change my husband, this fat bald slob here, into a cassanova?"

Forma: "Ew... he does need help. Well, that's an easy one. ONE AND A TWO AND A ..."

(Poof! Through the smoke stands Superstar Thomas Deathrow, NAPW Sex Icon and soon to be your new Daddy.)

STD: "What the hell am I doing here? I have a match to prepare for!"

Lady: "OOOOH! COME HERE BIG BOY!"