Post by Bruce "The Beast" Richards on Feb 4, 2007 1:24:18 GMT -5
(The intro to the promo starts off...with the Coach's Corner opening montage and theme music? Oh, the trumpets. Oh, the growling Blue. Oh, Don Cherry holding an octopus. It's Canadian culture at its...most blatantly Canadian.)
ANNOUNCER: And now, Coach's Corner. With Stylin' Don Cherry & Ron "The Beast" MacLean.
(Crossfade to Bruce Richards and Kyle Roberts sitting at a decent mock-up of the familiar Coach's Corner desk. Kyle Roberts, on the right, is in a bright blue and yellow plaid suit, high collared white shirt, and purple and pink striped tie; his hair is cut short and dyed white, with a white goatee. Bruce Richards, on the left, is in a more subdued black suit, blue shirt, and yellow tie. He's sporting a short hairstyle as well, and...he's clean-shaven.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Hello and welcome to Coach's Corner, I'm Ron MacLean, and to my left as always is--
KYLE ROBERTS: (Bellows.) All right, dere, enough of yer yappin'. I only got seven minutes to talk and you want to take up half of it introducing yourself? What kind of circus operation you running here?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, Don, okay. Cold Snap is only a few days away; what are your thoughts on last week's Tuesday Night Fights?
KYLE ROBERTS: (Shrugs his shoulders.) All right, now the first thing I want to say is, all you kids out there, don't do what Bob Ravager done in the four-corner match last week. We got the tape ready, Charlie? Don't go to it yet, I just want to say something first. Any time you get yourself in a corner and you got no way out, then you do whatever you can to get out of there. But dis guy here, he's just a mean, vicious guy, and there's no reason to pull the kind of thing he pulled. Can we roll the tape here?
(Cut to footage from the four-corners match. Lloyd Rees throws Ravager into the ropes, big left hand, Ravager blocks... and delivers a stiff headbutt right to Lloyd's forehead. Rees staggers, blinking, and Ravager delivers another one. Sick konk as bone meets flesh-covered bone and Rees staggers back into the ropes.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Y'see, dis guy here, there's NO REASON to go for the headbutt. He's got plenty of options, he could go plenty of places with it, but no he's gotta go for the headbutt and I tells ya, the only reason to do that is when you got NO OTHER CHOICE and if you got a forehead as thick as a caveman. Dis guy Ravager, he's got no self-control, and all you kids out there, you don't do what he did. Keep to solid wrestling and you'll be okay. (Claps his hands.) Now.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Speaking of the four-corners match, what did you think about Lloyd Rees's victory?
KYLE ROBERTS: (Aside to Ron MacLean.) I'm gettin' to it. (Back to the camera, claps his hands.) All right, as much as I might not like this guy, if a guy like him who does something good, I have to point it out. This guy here...you gonna roll the tape?
(Rolling more footage. Billy Kryenik shoves Lloyd Rees into the corner, ramming his shoulder into Lloyd's gut. Kryenik with repeated shoulder thrusts taking the wind out of Rees, he gets some distance --- yells out to the crowd and CHAAAAARGE BOOM.)
KYLE ROBERTS: This guy here, he's in a bit of a spot, but he keeps his head up, he keeps his eye on the man, and then at the last second...slow it down here boys...
(Kryenik going for the Hot Salvation combo, but Rees sidesteps out of the way! Kryenik sternum first with tons of momentum into the turnbuckle and then Rees dumps him on his head with a release German Suplex.)
KYLE ROBERTS: See what he did there? He's out of the way, he's in the clear, and then he follows through on the hit. He doesn't walk away, he knows he's got to play the man, and make sure he's not gonna come after him again. Now, before you cut me off, there was another match, and I want to show you the difference between a veteran and a rookie here, another match that night where the kid DIDN'T follow through, and watch what happens.
(Cut to the David Banks/Simply Beautiful match. Banks is going up top! Here it comes!! MID-CARD KILLER!! NAILS IT!! That could be --- wait a minute, what's Banks doing? Banks walking around the ring now harassing the crowd with poses and flexing his highly defined muscles. Beautiful is making his way to his feet, but Banks does not approve!! Quick right!! BLOCKED BY SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!!)
KYLE ROBERTS: Now, nothin' against the kid, he's a good kid, but he made a rookie mistake. He gets in the ring, the crowd's cheerin' for him, he wants to put on a show for 'em, and he forgets to take it to the man. He could have gone for the pin there, but he wasn't thinkin'. All you kids out there, I want you to remember to keep your head up, and never work the crowd until the opponent's done. (Hits the desk with his left hand.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Excellent advice. Now, the surprise highlight of the night would have to have been The Untouchables and Next Generation. Give us your thoughts on that match.
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, you got that Santiago guy and that Sakai fellah, they're going into a match that nobody expects them to win, and they work as hard as they can, don't give up for a second, and almost pull out the win there. That's the kind of thing I like to see; you gotta play with heart, you gotta work for everything, even if the odds are stacked against you, if you're the underdog like Next Gen or if you're in a lumberjack match like The New & Improved D-X. I tells ya, those two guys were in a hell of a spot, surrounded by people who wanted nothing more than to pound their faces flat into the canvas, but they worked hard and pulled out the win. I tell ya, those two guys are the best there are in this sport today, everybody knows it, and the way they're going there's no way that anyone's gonna stop 'em.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Now, there were some controversial matches that night as well, use of foreign objects. Patrick Bickle was disqualified due to Chris Casino's use of a roll full of quarters, and two NAPW wrestlers used the new chairs, with mixed results.
(Footage from two matches. First, Lloyd Rees blasts Evan Cartwright in the face with a chair and gets the pin. Second, David Banks turns to deliver a chair shot to Simply Beautiful, and gets a face full of chair thanks to an SB dropkick.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Dat's right. Now, I don't want to get the viewers all worked up, but these new "European-style" chairs are ruining the game, and the workers are getting too reliant on them. They don't have the same kind of heft to them as the chairs we used to use in the old days, and they're lightweight and essentially worthless.
BRUCE RICHARDS: But Don, you have to think that these chairs are giving the wrestlers some advantage; I mean, after all, Lloyd Rees got his win in great part to the use of that chair.
KYLE ROBERTS: He got the win because he's got the TECHNIQUE. Look, you're a weatherman, you don't know about the game like I do. Bring that last shot up, and move it slow. (The Dez Carter highlight rolls in slo-mo.) Y'see, right there, Simply Beautiful goes up for the dropkick, nothing wrong with that, but he catches the chair and BANG right to the face! Dez Carter got a chair to the face, and if he'd had a proper chair, it wouldn't have had that swing action on it and we'd probably have SB with a stubbed toe right now instead of Dez Carter with a broken nose. These new chairs, they're ruining the game.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Finally, a last word about the Cold Snap matches.
KYLE ROBERTS: What, we running out of time, here?
BRUCE RICHARDS: We have about two and a half minutes left.
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, stop railroadin' me, I have a point to make. (Bruce chuckles as Kyle straightens his tie.) All right, the Midnight Cowboys. I don't know where the commissioner found these guys, but I have to tell you: you don't bite the hand that feeds ya. I get sick and tired of hearin' these yahoos bad-mouthing my country. Chris Casino, The Zellors, whoever. These guys, they think they're so hot, they get drafted onto a Canadian company, and they think they can bad-mouth Canada? That's disrespectful. You don't respect the people that pay you, you don't respect the people that make you the star, then you don't deserve to be here. Look at Mr. Canada: he represents this country, stand-up guy, nice to kids, good guy there, and these Midnight Cowboys try and take him down. I have to say, good thing for that New & Improved D-X there, goin' in for the save, standing up for what's right. Those guys, eh, they're class acts. (Gives the camera a thumbs-up.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Finally, about a minute left, quickly your thoughts on Cold Snap.
KYLE ROBERTS: Holy geez, a minute left, why do you have to talk so much, runnin' me out of time on my show?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Six-Man Scramble.
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, you got a lotta good talent there, lotta young guys tryin' to prove themselves, lotta heart, lotta love for the game. I think it's gonna come down to Dez Carter and Krusty Kid Paul, two guys who might be breakin' through, but don't rule anyone out.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kevin Kodiak & Legion vs. Next Generation.
KYLE ROBERTS: All right, you know my pick for this one, good guys, lotta heart, I already talked about 'em today: gotta go with the foreigners.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Uh, right. Special Tag Match, Patrick Bickle & Simply Beautiful vs. Lloyd Rees & David Banks.
KYLE ROBERTS: Rees & Banks, those two guys, they got the reliance on the chair like I said before, there's no way they're gonna take it unless they forget about that and just focus on the opponent.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kurt Castle vs. Brian Bruno for the Provincial Title.
KYLE ROBERTS: Heyyy, you know I love the Bruins.
BRUCE RICHARDS: What does that have to do with this match?
KYLE ROBERTS: It's the BRUINS! Don't make fun of the BRUINS!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, the Tag Team Gauntlet Match.
KYLE ROBERTS: I don't even want to think about it.
BRUCE RICHARDS: The Untouchables vs. The Doomriders, no holds barred.
KYLE ROBERTS: Oh man, I tell you, there's no way that Kryenik and Deathrow can lose when they have home ice advantage like that.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Staring blankly at his partner.) Mr. Canada vs. The Commissioner.
KYLE ROBERTS: You not betting on the hometown boy? You have something against Canada?
BRUCE RICHARDS: My mistake. Evan Cartwright and Ravager, NAPW Title Match.
KYLE ROBERTS: Gotta give it to Cartwright; that Bob Ravager's a dirty player, but he's not gonna out-work the champ.
BRUCE RICHARDS: And finally, The New & Improved D-X versus The Midnight Cowboys.
KYLE ROBERTS: This is gonna be the highlight of the night, Ronnie-boy. Two teams at the top of their game, one hungry for the straps, the other fighting for their professional lives. There's no way that D-X are gonna lose this one: they want the win more and they NEED it more. Plus, it'd be good to see them slap some respect into those New York boys.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You heard it here first, folks: Don's full of patriotic fever but don't count on him to chair the committee. For Coach's Corner, I'm Ron MacLean.
KYLE ROBERTS: Oh, geez, this guy.
(Fade out. Are you not from Canada and confused by our pop culture references? It's Coach’s Corner on Hockey Night in Canada, people. Check it out and be awed by the two most powerful men in Canadian television.)
ANNOUNCER: And now, Coach's Corner. With Stylin' Don Cherry & Ron "The Beast" MacLean.
(Crossfade to Bruce Richards and Kyle Roberts sitting at a decent mock-up of the familiar Coach's Corner desk. Kyle Roberts, on the right, is in a bright blue and yellow plaid suit, high collared white shirt, and purple and pink striped tie; his hair is cut short and dyed white, with a white goatee. Bruce Richards, on the left, is in a more subdued black suit, blue shirt, and yellow tie. He's sporting a short hairstyle as well, and...he's clean-shaven.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Hello and welcome to Coach's Corner, I'm Ron MacLean, and to my left as always is--
KYLE ROBERTS: (Bellows.) All right, dere, enough of yer yappin'. I only got seven minutes to talk and you want to take up half of it introducing yourself? What kind of circus operation you running here?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, Don, okay. Cold Snap is only a few days away; what are your thoughts on last week's Tuesday Night Fights?
KYLE ROBERTS: (Shrugs his shoulders.) All right, now the first thing I want to say is, all you kids out there, don't do what Bob Ravager done in the four-corner match last week. We got the tape ready, Charlie? Don't go to it yet, I just want to say something first. Any time you get yourself in a corner and you got no way out, then you do whatever you can to get out of there. But dis guy here, he's just a mean, vicious guy, and there's no reason to pull the kind of thing he pulled. Can we roll the tape here?
(Cut to footage from the four-corners match. Lloyd Rees throws Ravager into the ropes, big left hand, Ravager blocks... and delivers a stiff headbutt right to Lloyd's forehead. Rees staggers, blinking, and Ravager delivers another one. Sick konk as bone meets flesh-covered bone and Rees staggers back into the ropes.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Y'see, dis guy here, there's NO REASON to go for the headbutt. He's got plenty of options, he could go plenty of places with it, but no he's gotta go for the headbutt and I tells ya, the only reason to do that is when you got NO OTHER CHOICE and if you got a forehead as thick as a caveman. Dis guy Ravager, he's got no self-control, and all you kids out there, you don't do what he did. Keep to solid wrestling and you'll be okay. (Claps his hands.) Now.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Speaking of the four-corners match, what did you think about Lloyd Rees's victory?
KYLE ROBERTS: (Aside to Ron MacLean.) I'm gettin' to it. (Back to the camera, claps his hands.) All right, as much as I might not like this guy, if a guy like him who does something good, I have to point it out. This guy here...you gonna roll the tape?
(Rolling more footage. Billy Kryenik shoves Lloyd Rees into the corner, ramming his shoulder into Lloyd's gut. Kryenik with repeated shoulder thrusts taking the wind out of Rees, he gets some distance --- yells out to the crowd and CHAAAAARGE BOOM.)
KYLE ROBERTS: This guy here, he's in a bit of a spot, but he keeps his head up, he keeps his eye on the man, and then at the last second...slow it down here boys...
(Kryenik going for the Hot Salvation combo, but Rees sidesteps out of the way! Kryenik sternum first with tons of momentum into the turnbuckle and then Rees dumps him on his head with a release German Suplex.)
KYLE ROBERTS: See what he did there? He's out of the way, he's in the clear, and then he follows through on the hit. He doesn't walk away, he knows he's got to play the man, and make sure he's not gonna come after him again. Now, before you cut me off, there was another match, and I want to show you the difference between a veteran and a rookie here, another match that night where the kid DIDN'T follow through, and watch what happens.
(Cut to the David Banks/Simply Beautiful match. Banks is going up top! Here it comes!! MID-CARD KILLER!! NAILS IT!! That could be --- wait a minute, what's Banks doing? Banks walking around the ring now harassing the crowd with poses and flexing his highly defined muscles. Beautiful is making his way to his feet, but Banks does not approve!! Quick right!! BLOCKED BY SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL!!)
KYLE ROBERTS: Now, nothin' against the kid, he's a good kid, but he made a rookie mistake. He gets in the ring, the crowd's cheerin' for him, he wants to put on a show for 'em, and he forgets to take it to the man. He could have gone for the pin there, but he wasn't thinkin'. All you kids out there, I want you to remember to keep your head up, and never work the crowd until the opponent's done. (Hits the desk with his left hand.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Excellent advice. Now, the surprise highlight of the night would have to have been The Untouchables and Next Generation. Give us your thoughts on that match.
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, you got that Santiago guy and that Sakai fellah, they're going into a match that nobody expects them to win, and they work as hard as they can, don't give up for a second, and almost pull out the win there. That's the kind of thing I like to see; you gotta play with heart, you gotta work for everything, even if the odds are stacked against you, if you're the underdog like Next Gen or if you're in a lumberjack match like The New & Improved D-X. I tells ya, those two guys were in a hell of a spot, surrounded by people who wanted nothing more than to pound their faces flat into the canvas, but they worked hard and pulled out the win. I tell ya, those two guys are the best there are in this sport today, everybody knows it, and the way they're going there's no way that anyone's gonna stop 'em.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Now, there were some controversial matches that night as well, use of foreign objects. Patrick Bickle was disqualified due to Chris Casino's use of a roll full of quarters, and two NAPW wrestlers used the new chairs, with mixed results.
(Footage from two matches. First, Lloyd Rees blasts Evan Cartwright in the face with a chair and gets the pin. Second, David Banks turns to deliver a chair shot to Simply Beautiful, and gets a face full of chair thanks to an SB dropkick.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Dat's right. Now, I don't want to get the viewers all worked up, but these new "European-style" chairs are ruining the game, and the workers are getting too reliant on them. They don't have the same kind of heft to them as the chairs we used to use in the old days, and they're lightweight and essentially worthless.
BRUCE RICHARDS: But Don, you have to think that these chairs are giving the wrestlers some advantage; I mean, after all, Lloyd Rees got his win in great part to the use of that chair.
KYLE ROBERTS: He got the win because he's got the TECHNIQUE. Look, you're a weatherman, you don't know about the game like I do. Bring that last shot up, and move it slow. (The Dez Carter highlight rolls in slo-mo.) Y'see, right there, Simply Beautiful goes up for the dropkick, nothing wrong with that, but he catches the chair and BANG right to the face! Dez Carter got a chair to the face, and if he'd had a proper chair, it wouldn't have had that swing action on it and we'd probably have SB with a stubbed toe right now instead of Dez Carter with a broken nose. These new chairs, they're ruining the game.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Finally, a last word about the Cold Snap matches.
KYLE ROBERTS: What, we running out of time, here?
BRUCE RICHARDS: We have about two and a half minutes left.
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, stop railroadin' me, I have a point to make. (Bruce chuckles as Kyle straightens his tie.) All right, the Midnight Cowboys. I don't know where the commissioner found these guys, but I have to tell you: you don't bite the hand that feeds ya. I get sick and tired of hearin' these yahoos bad-mouthing my country. Chris Casino, The Zellors, whoever. These guys, they think they're so hot, they get drafted onto a Canadian company, and they think they can bad-mouth Canada? That's disrespectful. You don't respect the people that pay you, you don't respect the people that make you the star, then you don't deserve to be here. Look at Mr. Canada: he represents this country, stand-up guy, nice to kids, good guy there, and these Midnight Cowboys try and take him down. I have to say, good thing for that New & Improved D-X there, goin' in for the save, standing up for what's right. Those guys, eh, they're class acts. (Gives the camera a thumbs-up.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Finally, about a minute left, quickly your thoughts on Cold Snap.
KYLE ROBERTS: Holy geez, a minute left, why do you have to talk so much, runnin' me out of time on my show?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Six-Man Scramble.
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, you got a lotta good talent there, lotta young guys tryin' to prove themselves, lotta heart, lotta love for the game. I think it's gonna come down to Dez Carter and Krusty Kid Paul, two guys who might be breakin' through, but don't rule anyone out.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kevin Kodiak & Legion vs. Next Generation.
KYLE ROBERTS: All right, you know my pick for this one, good guys, lotta heart, I already talked about 'em today: gotta go with the foreigners.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Uh, right. Special Tag Match, Patrick Bickle & Simply Beautiful vs. Lloyd Rees & David Banks.
KYLE ROBERTS: Rees & Banks, those two guys, they got the reliance on the chair like I said before, there's no way they're gonna take it unless they forget about that and just focus on the opponent.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kurt Castle vs. Brian Bruno for the Provincial Title.
KYLE ROBERTS: Heyyy, you know I love the Bruins.
BRUCE RICHARDS: What does that have to do with this match?
KYLE ROBERTS: It's the BRUINS! Don't make fun of the BRUINS!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, the Tag Team Gauntlet Match.
KYLE ROBERTS: I don't even want to think about it.
BRUCE RICHARDS: The Untouchables vs. The Doomriders, no holds barred.
KYLE ROBERTS: Oh man, I tell you, there's no way that Kryenik and Deathrow can lose when they have home ice advantage like that.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Staring blankly at his partner.) Mr. Canada vs. The Commissioner.
KYLE ROBERTS: You not betting on the hometown boy? You have something against Canada?
BRUCE RICHARDS: My mistake. Evan Cartwright and Ravager, NAPW Title Match.
KYLE ROBERTS: Gotta give it to Cartwright; that Bob Ravager's a dirty player, but he's not gonna out-work the champ.
BRUCE RICHARDS: And finally, The New & Improved D-X versus The Midnight Cowboys.
KYLE ROBERTS: This is gonna be the highlight of the night, Ronnie-boy. Two teams at the top of their game, one hungry for the straps, the other fighting for their professional lives. There's no way that D-X are gonna lose this one: they want the win more and they NEED it more. Plus, it'd be good to see them slap some respect into those New York boys.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You heard it here first, folks: Don's full of patriotic fever but don't count on him to chair the committee. For Coach's Corner, I'm Ron MacLean.
KYLE ROBERTS: Oh, geez, this guy.
(Fade out. Are you not from Canada and confused by our pop culture references? It's Coach’s Corner on Hockey Night in Canada, people. Check it out and be awed by the two most powerful men in Canadian television.)