"Just standing around looking at pictures?"

[Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL]]

(Bruce and Kyle stand in front of a podium, with about a half-dozen reporters and photographers around them. There's a screen behind them with a projector pointed at it. They look tired, they look like they could use a shave and a shower, and they look like they would rather be anywhere else but here.)

KYLE ROBERTS: All right, folks, we're going to make this short and sweet, because there is NOTHING we would rather be doing than soaking in a nice, warm bath. (He pauses.) In our own separate apartments, NOT TOGETHER, completely alone. Except for maybe Amy or Tiffany. I mean, Amy for me. And Tiffany for Bruce. I'm sorry, I'm tired.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Now, we're just waiting for our "esteemed commissioner", Joseph Winchell, to make an appearance. It baffles my mind that even though we were delayed TWICE at two different airports, we can be on time, whereas Mr. Winchell can't be bothered to be punctual for a press conference that he himself scheduled.

KYLE ROBERTS: But that gives us extra time to smack talk our opponents!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh lord. I'm so tired. I need to sleep.

KYLE ROBERTS: YOU'LL SLEEP WHEN I'M DEAD! (To the crowd.) Expositioner! Or should I say, "Sex Positioner"? You think you know the Kama Sutra? Well, boy, you haven't seen ANYTHING YET!

BRUCE RICHARDS: What are you TALKING about?

KYLE ROBERTS: And no, I don't know what that means! But it sounds good, doesn't it. Unless it sounds like I'm gay, in which case it sounds bad! I never said a thing! Bruce, take over!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Mystic Ninja! You're a decent fellow, and I have nothing against you personally! Our real adversary is Joey Malone, and to a lesser extent, those two unwashed mongoloids you call bosses! I hope you put on a good show, and I hope that we can go out for BEERS afterwards! You are a stand-up guy!

KYLE ROBERTS: Nice trash-talking, Stimpy.

BRUCE RICHARDS: At least I got his NAME right.

KYLE ROBERTS: You don't know ANYTHING! His name is M--

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: Sorry I'm late, folks!

KYLE ROBERTS: I'm never going to say this ever again, but THANK GOD for Joey Malone!

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: Enough, Roberts, before I knock your jet-lagged ass all over this stage.

KYLE ROBERTS: Joey, I might be tired, but I could beat the white off of you in the middle of R.E.M. sleep.

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: Uh, right. Well, let's get this show on the road! (Straightens his tie.) Now, since some of you in the media are a little slow, I'm going to repeat this for you nice and slow: this is a NON-title match. As much as I admire Adam and Justice, I'm not going to give my NAPW titles over to the Mystic Ninja and The Expositioner.

BRUCE RICHARDS: That is, IF we lose the match. Which we won't.

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: (Chuckles.) Of course you won't, Bruce. It's not like I would have rigged the match to make sure that there was no way in HELL you two could POSSIBLY win. I'm not THAT vindictive. Right? (Bruce and Kyle mumble; it sounds suspiciously like "bullshit' over and over again.) Now, I'm sure you're all very interested in who the lumberjacks are going to be for this match.

BRUCE RICHARDS: (Deadpan.) We're all ears.

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: This crew of lumberjacks will be a selection of the best and brightest that the NAPW and the GWA have to offer. I would like to say that we here at the NAPW are absolutely thrilled to be showcasing some of Gastown Wrestling's finest, beating the everloving crap out of the NAPW's worst.

KYLE ROBERTS: (Stage whisper to Bruce.) I think he means you.

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: (Picking up the remote control.) Let's take this time to introduce to you the GWA stars that will be gracing our federation with their presence. (Click; a photograph of a seemingly amiable young man with crazy eyes and weilding a barber pole.) Gil "The Barber" Barber; a menace in the ring and wanted for questionable haircuts in five counties.

BRUCE RICHARDS: A man who is so dastardly he doesn't even deserve the customary 15% gratuity! Seriously, Joey, Gil The Barber? You're not even trying!

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: I'll have you know that he is the number two contender for the GWA Radio Title! (Click; a photo of a pimped out white guy with crazy facial hair and a feather boa, sitting in a hot tub and ogling a pretty lady.) Otis P. Jivefunk, the (clears his throat) "mad pimp", the grooviest honkey this side of the North Saskatchewan.

KYLE ROBERTS: "He's a huuuuuuman tornaaaaado!" Seriously, didn't I see him on Maury Povitch the other day? Yeah, the "Embarassing Virgins" episode? (Click; a photograph of a tall white guy with a HUGE afro, pink sunglasses, and a tie-dyed wifebeater.) Dammit! I should have saved the Human Tornado song!

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: G, the Hallucinogenic Homeboy. Don't be fooled by his size; his aerial ability is unmatched in all of Southern Alberta.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh, he'll get high all right. REALLY high. Like, totally. Dude.

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: (Click; a tag team that resembles the Legion of Doom but with blue shoulderpads and really long beards.) The Masters of Disaster, former GWA tag team champions, they have a bone to settle with The New & Improved D-X.

KYLE ROBERTS: Uh, we've never faced these guys before. Unless they're upset about us stealing their tag team belts. Which, fair enough.

BRUCE RICHARDS: "Bone to settle"? Joey, we're going on thirty-six straight hours of being awake, and we haven't mixed our metaphors.

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: I'll mix YOUR metaphor if you're not careful, Bruce! (Click; a guy who looks like old-school Bradshaw with a lot of arm & torso tattoos and blue hair.) The Blue Bastich; sworn enemy of The New & Improved D-X!

KYLE ROBERTS: Who's this guy? Don't we have to, like, KNOW about them to be sworn enemies?

BRUCE RICHARDS: He used to be tag-team partners with The Mystic Ninja. Seriously, Joey, you're throwing in three people who don't like the other team, too; getting sloppy, boy.

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: (Click; a guy painted all in silver with a metal cap on his head and an angry expression.) Wrestlotron Mark IV; the killing machine engineered to dominate in the wrestling ring!

KYLE ROBERTS: You don't seriously expect anyone to BELIEVE that, right?

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: It's not my gimmick. (Click; a muscular man with closely cropped black hair and the Gastown Heavyweight Championship belt over his shoulder. ) Samson Solomon, GWA champion and the meanest man Mellvile, Saskatchewan has to offer!

BRUCE RICHARDS: (Mock horror.) Oh no! He shaved his hair! HIS POWERS ARE GONE!

KYLE ROBERTS: And he seems to have lost his fabled wisdom if he's dumb enough to come to this match.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Two Biblical references in one promo! Another record broken by The New & Improved D-X!

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: But that's not all, folks. There are plenty of NAPW talents in this match, like...these guys. (Clicks up a composite picture of a handful of jobbers.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: Oh god, "The Moose" again. This is going to end BADLY.

KYLE ROBERTS: (Squinting.) Is that Big Mitch?

BRUCE RICHARDS: "The Tempest" Steve Henri?

KYLE and BRUCE: ESTEBAN?

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: I'm bringin' 'em back, boys! This will be their night to shine, beating down champions!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Well, if that's about all, folks, then we'll wrap things up by saying--

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: One second, Bruce. There's one last entry in this crew, one that Adam, Justice, and I UNANIMOUSLY approved.

KYLE ROBERTS: Who on GOD'S GREEN EARTH could you possibly have dug out from your bag of forgotten has-beens? Tempest? Misery? TEES?

(Click. Bruce and Kyle sit staring at the picture, silent. Finally, Kyle speaks.)

KYLE ROBERTS: You have to be shitting me.

R. JOSEPH WINCHELL III: See you two fellows tomorrow. (He walks away.)

(Fade down on Kyle and Bruce looking at a picture of...The Midnight Cowboys.)


(Co-written with Bruce "The Beast" Richards. Inspiration by Brad Meltzer.)