Post by Bruce "The Beast" Richards on Jan 29, 2007 17:59:38 GMT -5
(Bruce and Kyle are sitting slumped in chairs in another airport terminal, looking dejected.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm sorry.
KYLE ROBERTS: You should be. Of all the nerve.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I don't know what came over me.
KYLE ROBERTS: Neither do I. You behaved disgracefully.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Shaking his head.) I can't believe it.
KYLE ROBERTS: They serve coffee on the airplane, you know.
BRUCE RICHARDS: They don't have GOOD coffee on the airplane. I paid two AMERICAN dollars for that coffee, and I was going to get my money's worth out of it.
(We cut to scratchy security camera footage of Kyle and Bruce approaching the entry gate. Kyle stands impatiently, hand on his hips, as the man taking the tickets points at Bruce's travel mug and shakes his head. Bruce looks unimpressed, and tries to walk on anyhow. Two security guards approach him, and Bruce holds his hands up and begins quickly gulping down the coffee, but apparently, the coffee is REALLY hot. Bruce spits a huge jet of the coffee onto one of the security guard's face, who falls to the floor with his hands on his face; the second security guard rushes Bruce and bumps him, causing the remainder of the coffee to spill on the guard's crotch. Bruce stand still, shocked and horrified, as another security guard rushes in from offscren and tackles him, followed by more security guards with their billy clubs out.)
KYLE ROBERTS: I'm embarassed to even know you.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Forget about it, okay? Everything's settled, and we just have to wait for another plane.
KYLE ROBERTS: Another FIVE HOURS, Bruce. And where are we? Stuck in Salt Lake City, the boringest place on earth!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, first of all? There's no such word as "boringest". And second of all there's plenty of interesting things about Salt Lake City.
KYLE ROBERTS: Like what? The MORMONS?
BRUCE RICHARDS: What, you don't like Mormons all of a sudden?
KYLE ROBERTS: What, you DO?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Sure. I went to high school with lots of Mormons. I even went to some of their social dances. (Smiles at the memory of it.) Good times. Mormon girls are hot. And if you can crack their proper, godly exterior, they are devil women! I remember this one girl, she was--
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, dude, okay, we don't need a history lesson of the many lives and loves of "BRUCE RICHARDS: The Early Years".
BRUCE RICHARDS: I maintain that would have made an excellent mid-season replacement on the WB.
KYLE ROBERTS: And I maintain that the only thing good that came out of the LDS Church was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. (Tears well up in his eyes.) They sang...like angels. (Regaining composure.) What else is there to like about this place?
BRUCE RICHARDS: It has the largest sal(BLEEP)er lake in the Western Hemisphere.
KYLE ROBERTS: Ooooh, cultures of brine shrimp as far as the eye can see!
BRUCE RICHARDS: They have a state-of-the-art rail system.
KYLE ROBERTS: Wow. You're laying praise on their transit system? You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel, Bruce. I swear, aside from the ninjas, this place is a footnote to history.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm sorry. Did you just say...
KYLE ROBERTS: Ninjas, yes. Don't tell me you've never heard of the SLC Ninjas.
BRUCE RICHARDS: All right, I won't tell you.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Sighs.) In the late 1860s a number of Chinese workers came to Salt Lake City to help complete the First Continental Railway. When the railway was finished, many attempted to build a new life in the city. But a few rebelled against the attempt at integrating into the strange polygamous society, and maintained their mystic ways. And thus were born: The SLC Ninjas.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle, there's no such thing as a Chinese Ninja. And there's CERTAINLY no such thing as a Salt Lake Ninja.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Winking.) That's just what they WANT you to believe.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Just how do you know so much about Ninjas?
KYLE ROBERTS: (Pulls a book out of his carry-on.) I read it in a book.
BRUCE RICHARDS: "The Way of the Urban Ninja"? Where did you get this ridiculous thing?
KYLE ROBERTS: It came free when I ordered this. (Pulls out a black ninja costume.) Think about it, Bruce. We're in ninja country, and we're going up against a ninja. We need to get inside his head. We need to see what makes him tick. We need to get in black jammies and run around an airport. It's go time, Bruce.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Looks like you have it all planned. Enjoy your little escapade.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Pulls out another ninja costume.) I hope it fits; they didn't have XL, but they had "Husky".
BRUCE RICHARDS: You're really going to make me put this on, aren't you?
KYLE ROBERTS: Yep.
BRUCE RICHARDS: *sighs* Fair enough.
(Cut to Kyle Roberts sprinting out of the washroom, and quickly leaping behind a nearby bush. Bruce Richards walks out, slowly, and looks around for Kyle.)
KYLE ROBERTS: (Hissing.) Get down!
BRUCE RICHARDS: This is ridiculous.
KYLE ROBERTS: What, you think these black tights make you INVISIBLE or something? GET DOWN!
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Ducking down behind Kyle.) What is this supposed to prove?
KYLE ROBERTS: It's simple. We do ninja stuff and we get in Mystic Ninja's head.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Why couldn't I dress up like The Ex instead? I can do that kind of thing. (Affecting The Expositioner's voice.) "The moron ducked down behind the bushes, a grim expression on his masked face. He thought of all the ridiculous schemes he'd come up with in the past: dressing up like delivery men, going on a road trip with an alcoholic and a sycophant, beating up a nerd on Whyte Avenue; but this one, above all else, was the MOST ridiculous, the MOST asinine."
KYLE ROBERTS: Bruce, please. We're trying to be sneaky. (He gestures at a fat guy in an overcoat walking towards them.) There's the target. Get your blowgun.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle, we're not going to KILL him, right?
KYLE ROBERTS: Of COURSE not. This is all a simulation.
(Kyle and Bruce pull out their blowguns, and place them to their lips. As the man walks past, they blow and hit him in the ass with two tiny darts. He slaps his behind, turns around angrily and looks for the culprits, but doesn't see any, and moves on.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Darts? You didn't tell me there would be darts! I thought they would be spitballs or something!
KYLE ROBERTS: Of COURSE they were darts. Darts full of Gravol. (Bruce's eyes widen.) Don't worry, it's harmless. He's going on a plane trip, right? He'll just nod off; it'll be fine.
BRUCE RICHARDS: What if he's a pilot?!?
KYLE ROBERTS: They have co-pilots, Bruce. (Clapping his hand on his shoulder.) You've done well, grasshopper. But there is more to being a ninja than shooting guys in the ass. It's time...to take it to the streets!
("Takin' It To The Streets" by the Doobie Brothers plays as Kyle and Bruce continue the shenanigans.)
You dont know me but I'm your brother
I was raised here in this living hell
You dont know my kind in your world
Fairly soon the time will tell
You, telling me the things youre gonna do for me
I aint blind and I dont like what I think I see
(The camera pans across rows of feet as people sit on the airplane benches waiting for their planes. Kyle and Bruce are underneath the chairs, tying people's shoelaces together. One gentleman stands up, takes one step, and falls down. Kyle and Bruce give each other high-fives.)
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
(A woman is sitting in the food court, eating her french fries. A black-gloved hand taps her on the shoulder, and as she turns, Bruce Richards snags her hamburger. She turns back around, and looks around for whomever stole her burger; Kyle Roberts quietly lifts her milkshake. She turns back around, dumbfounded, and the two men high-five each other behind her back.)
Take this message to my brother
You will find him everywhere
Wherever people live together
Tied in povertys despair
You, telling me the things youre gonna do for me
I aint blind and I dont like what I think I see
(Kyle and Bruce are kneeling on top of an airplane that's standing still on the runway. They're holding a large roll of canvas, and they cut the ropes holding it at the same time; a banner rolls down the side of the plane that says "Ninjas Suck!" They give each other high-fives, until they realize that their banner is upside-down.)
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
(Kyle and Bruce are in their street clothes; Bruce finishes the last bite of a burger and Kyle sucks down the last of a milkshake.)
KYLE ROBERTS: So? What did you think?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Well, it was fun. But aside from getting a free burger, I don't really know what the point was. All we did was run around being annoying.
KYLE ROBERTS: Annoying people is what ninjas do! Running around, stealing things, wrecking things, attacking people; they run interference for a big organization.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I think there's more to ninjas than being rabble-rousers. Like, silent assassins, maybe.
KYLE ROBERTS: You're buying into the hype, dude. Ninjas are annoying, end of story. (Overhead announcement.) That's our flight. You think you can board the plane without assaulting anyone this time?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Sure.
(The two men get up, and as they walk away, the camera pans back to two men in black pajamas.)
NINJA ONE: Should we kill them?
NINJA TWO: (Holds up his hand.) No. They did not discover us. The secret of the Salt Lake Ninjas is safe. Now, let us replace all the salt packets with sugar packets.
NINJA ONE: For the honour of our people.
(Fade out as they move silently into the concession.)
(Edited for formatting only.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm sorry.
KYLE ROBERTS: You should be. Of all the nerve.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I don't know what came over me.
KYLE ROBERTS: Neither do I. You behaved disgracefully.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Shaking his head.) I can't believe it.
KYLE ROBERTS: They serve coffee on the airplane, you know.
BRUCE RICHARDS: They don't have GOOD coffee on the airplane. I paid two AMERICAN dollars for that coffee, and I was going to get my money's worth out of it.
(We cut to scratchy security camera footage of Kyle and Bruce approaching the entry gate. Kyle stands impatiently, hand on his hips, as the man taking the tickets points at Bruce's travel mug and shakes his head. Bruce looks unimpressed, and tries to walk on anyhow. Two security guards approach him, and Bruce holds his hands up and begins quickly gulping down the coffee, but apparently, the coffee is REALLY hot. Bruce spits a huge jet of the coffee onto one of the security guard's face, who falls to the floor with his hands on his face; the second security guard rushes Bruce and bumps him, causing the remainder of the coffee to spill on the guard's crotch. Bruce stand still, shocked and horrified, as another security guard rushes in from offscren and tackles him, followed by more security guards with their billy clubs out.)
KYLE ROBERTS: I'm embarassed to even know you.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Forget about it, okay? Everything's settled, and we just have to wait for another plane.
KYLE ROBERTS: Another FIVE HOURS, Bruce. And where are we? Stuck in Salt Lake City, the boringest place on earth!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Okay, first of all? There's no such word as "boringest". And second of all there's plenty of interesting things about Salt Lake City.
KYLE ROBERTS: Like what? The MORMONS?
BRUCE RICHARDS: What, you don't like Mormons all of a sudden?
KYLE ROBERTS: What, you DO?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Sure. I went to high school with lots of Mormons. I even went to some of their social dances. (Smiles at the memory of it.) Good times. Mormon girls are hot. And if you can crack their proper, godly exterior, they are devil women! I remember this one girl, she was--
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, dude, okay, we don't need a history lesson of the many lives and loves of "BRUCE RICHARDS: The Early Years".
BRUCE RICHARDS: I maintain that would have made an excellent mid-season replacement on the WB.
KYLE ROBERTS: And I maintain that the only thing good that came out of the LDS Church was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. (Tears well up in his eyes.) They sang...like angels. (Regaining composure.) What else is there to like about this place?
BRUCE RICHARDS: It has the largest sal(BLEEP)er lake in the Western Hemisphere.
KYLE ROBERTS: Ooooh, cultures of brine shrimp as far as the eye can see!
BRUCE RICHARDS: They have a state-of-the-art rail system.
KYLE ROBERTS: Wow. You're laying praise on their transit system? You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel, Bruce. I swear, aside from the ninjas, this place is a footnote to history.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm sorry. Did you just say...
KYLE ROBERTS: Ninjas, yes. Don't tell me you've never heard of the SLC Ninjas.
BRUCE RICHARDS: All right, I won't tell you.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Sighs.) In the late 1860s a number of Chinese workers came to Salt Lake City to help complete the First Continental Railway. When the railway was finished, many attempted to build a new life in the city. But a few rebelled against the attempt at integrating into the strange polygamous society, and maintained their mystic ways. And thus were born: The SLC Ninjas.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle, there's no such thing as a Chinese Ninja. And there's CERTAINLY no such thing as a Salt Lake Ninja.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Winking.) That's just what they WANT you to believe.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Just how do you know so much about Ninjas?
KYLE ROBERTS: (Pulls a book out of his carry-on.) I read it in a book.
BRUCE RICHARDS: "The Way of the Urban Ninja"? Where did you get this ridiculous thing?
KYLE ROBERTS: It came free when I ordered this. (Pulls out a black ninja costume.) Think about it, Bruce. We're in ninja country, and we're going up against a ninja. We need to get inside his head. We need to see what makes him tick. We need to get in black jammies and run around an airport. It's go time, Bruce.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Looks like you have it all planned. Enjoy your little escapade.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Pulls out another ninja costume.) I hope it fits; they didn't have XL, but they had "Husky".
BRUCE RICHARDS: You're really going to make me put this on, aren't you?
KYLE ROBERTS: Yep.
BRUCE RICHARDS: *sighs* Fair enough.
(Cut to Kyle Roberts sprinting out of the washroom, and quickly leaping behind a nearby bush. Bruce Richards walks out, slowly, and looks around for Kyle.)
KYLE ROBERTS: (Hissing.) Get down!
BRUCE RICHARDS: This is ridiculous.
KYLE ROBERTS: What, you think these black tights make you INVISIBLE or something? GET DOWN!
BRUCE RICHARDS: (Ducking down behind Kyle.) What is this supposed to prove?
KYLE ROBERTS: It's simple. We do ninja stuff and we get in Mystic Ninja's head.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Why couldn't I dress up like The Ex instead? I can do that kind of thing. (Affecting The Expositioner's voice.) "The moron ducked down behind the bushes, a grim expression on his masked face. He thought of all the ridiculous schemes he'd come up with in the past: dressing up like delivery men, going on a road trip with an alcoholic and a sycophant, beating up a nerd on Whyte Avenue; but this one, above all else, was the MOST ridiculous, the MOST asinine."
KYLE ROBERTS: Bruce, please. We're trying to be sneaky. (He gestures at a fat guy in an overcoat walking towards them.) There's the target. Get your blowgun.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle, we're not going to KILL him, right?
KYLE ROBERTS: Of COURSE not. This is all a simulation.
(Kyle and Bruce pull out their blowguns, and place them to their lips. As the man walks past, they blow and hit him in the ass with two tiny darts. He slaps his behind, turns around angrily and looks for the culprits, but doesn't see any, and moves on.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Darts? You didn't tell me there would be darts! I thought they would be spitballs or something!
KYLE ROBERTS: Of COURSE they were darts. Darts full of Gravol. (Bruce's eyes widen.) Don't worry, it's harmless. He's going on a plane trip, right? He'll just nod off; it'll be fine.
BRUCE RICHARDS: What if he's a pilot?!?
KYLE ROBERTS: They have co-pilots, Bruce. (Clapping his hand on his shoulder.) You've done well, grasshopper. But there is more to being a ninja than shooting guys in the ass. It's time...to take it to the streets!
("Takin' It To The Streets" by the Doobie Brothers plays as Kyle and Bruce continue the shenanigans.)
You dont know me but I'm your brother
I was raised here in this living hell
You dont know my kind in your world
Fairly soon the time will tell
You, telling me the things youre gonna do for me
I aint blind and I dont like what I think I see
(The camera pans across rows of feet as people sit on the airplane benches waiting for their planes. Kyle and Bruce are underneath the chairs, tying people's shoelaces together. One gentleman stands up, takes one step, and falls down. Kyle and Bruce give each other high-fives.)
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
(A woman is sitting in the food court, eating her french fries. A black-gloved hand taps her on the shoulder, and as she turns, Bruce Richards snags her hamburger. She turns back around, and looks around for whomever stole her burger; Kyle Roberts quietly lifts her milkshake. She turns back around, dumbfounded, and the two men high-five each other behind her back.)
Take this message to my brother
You will find him everywhere
Wherever people live together
Tied in povertys despair
You, telling me the things youre gonna do for me
I aint blind and I dont like what I think I see
(Kyle and Bruce are kneeling on top of an airplane that's standing still on the runway. They're holding a large roll of canvas, and they cut the ropes holding it at the same time; a banner rolls down the side of the plane that says "Ninjas Suck!" They give each other high-fives, until they realize that their banner is upside-down.)
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
Takin it to the streets
(Kyle and Bruce are in their street clothes; Bruce finishes the last bite of a burger and Kyle sucks down the last of a milkshake.)
KYLE ROBERTS: So? What did you think?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Well, it was fun. But aside from getting a free burger, I don't really know what the point was. All we did was run around being annoying.
KYLE ROBERTS: Annoying people is what ninjas do! Running around, stealing things, wrecking things, attacking people; they run interference for a big organization.
BRUCE RICHARDS: I think there's more to ninjas than being rabble-rousers. Like, silent assassins, maybe.
KYLE ROBERTS: You're buying into the hype, dude. Ninjas are annoying, end of story. (Overhead announcement.) That's our flight. You think you can board the plane without assaulting anyone this time?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Sure.
(The two men get up, and as they walk away, the camera pans back to two men in black pajamas.)
NINJA ONE: Should we kill them?
NINJA TWO: (Holds up his hand.) No. They did not discover us. The secret of the Salt Lake Ninjas is safe. Now, let us replace all the salt packets with sugar packets.
NINJA ONE: For the honour of our people.
(Fade out as they move silently into the concession.)
(Edited for formatting only.)