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Post by Stylin' Kyle Roberts [REBEL] on Dec 9, 2005 14:35:15 GMT -5
(It's white. VERY white. There's so much snow, it's blinding to view. The camera focuses in on a wrestling ring in the outdoors. Kyle Roberts is getting things prepared for his latest promo.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, Coach, you you have the tranquilizer gun ready, just in case? (Coach Jago whistles.) Great. And the camera's set up?
CAMERAMAN: (offscreen) Just getting it all ready right now.
KYLE ROBERTS: Excellent.
(Bruce Richards walks into frame.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: PLEASE tell me you're not going to go through with this. Sure, it was a funny joke when we were talking about it, but it's a stupid, dangerous stunt.
KYLE ROBERTS: I've got everything under control, Bruce. It's why Coach has got a tranquilizer gun at the ready, filled up with a crapload of knockout juice. Plus, we've got the handlers nearby.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You've come up with a lot of dumb ideas in the past, but this one's lunacy. You're dealing with a real live polar bear in there.
(The camera zooms in to get a better look. Sure enough, there's a prone monstrously-sized polar bear in the ring. He seems to be lifeless, but his eyes are wide open.)
KYLE ROBERTS: That bear's so zonked out. They do this all the time here.
BRUCE RICHARDS: They don't wrestle bears.
KYLE ROBERTS: No, but they're always drugging the bears up.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Yes. So they can be airlifted out of town before someone gets hurt.
KYLE ROBERTS: Trust me, I'm fine. Can we get started now? (Bruce walks out of the camera frame. The camera zooms in to get a full screen of Robert's bundled upper torso.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Hi, I'm Kyle Roberts, one half of the NAPW Tag team Champions. Some of you might be thinking, "Hey, we haven't heard anything from the champs since Black Thursday, other than the run-in beatdown they organized on Monday Night Fights."
Well, it's true. We have been keeping a low profile. But that doesn't mean we haven't been paying attention to the NAPW scene.
First off, let me show you exactly what's going on. Every year, Bruce and I take a trip up here to Churchill, Manitoba, the gateway to Hudson's Bay, and polar bear capital of the world.
Getting this far away from our real life helps up prioritize. It's usually our yearly summit to set goals for ourselves and figure out ways to achieve them.
Also, it provides a great way to have a little in-ring allegory for what the New and Improved D-X is going to accomplish this year.
First off, man, what a supercard Black Thursday was, hunh? The Decapitators came SO close to winning our titles. That was the reason we decided to distract them with our little "tiff." It's all about distraction, boys. Something you'll have to learn if you want to get to our level.
And hey! A few new teams have arrived! Finally, some worthy competit- (pauses, starts again) Finally, some competi- (pauses, starts again) Finally, more guys to beat up! It's almost like we have a proper tag team division here at New Alberta Pro.
Although, there is ONE guy that we think will do VERY well in the fed. At least, there's someone that the New and Improved D-X can actually interact with. A guy worthy of our notice. Yeah, that's right. Chris Casino.
Now THERE'S a guy with some class! The real deal! And the fact that the illustrious Terry Brandon is managing him? Oh my god. Brandon's been an idol of mine ever since I was thirteen.
But back to my allegory. (camera zooms out) Here in THIS VERY RING, I, Kyle Roberts will face a polar bear! You see, just like this polar bear, with the New and Improved D-X, it's a hazard to enter the ring. You never know if you're going to leave with your limbs intact!
(Bruce Richards walks into frame.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle.
KYLE ROBERTS: Yes, Bruce?
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm not sure if you've got this metaphor all worked out.
KYLE ROBERTS: What do you mean? Oh, by the way, you're on camera now, Bruce.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (looks at the camera, and grimaces, and then turns back to Kyle) So, let me get this straight: The polar bear represents us.
KYLE ROBERTS: You got it.
BRUCE RICHARDS: And YOU represent our opponents at any given time?
KYLE ROBERTS: That was the plan.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Don't you think that's a little...confusing?
KYLE ROBERTS: Not following.
BRUCE RICHARDS: If the bear is US, and YOU'RE not YOU, but someone else...
KYLE ROBERTS: Still not following. Can I get back to wrestling a bear here?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle, you're comparing the NAPW Tag Team Champions to a DRUGGED-UP BEAR! How does that make us look?
KYLE ROBERTS: I'm asking the audience to imagine that the bear isn't drugged, thank you very much!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Have you seen this e-mail? We're scheduled against The Dudes on Monday night. For the titles.
KYLE ROBERTS: So I'll be Cameron Scott, then?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Shouldn't the DRUGGED-UP BEAR be our opponents?
KYLE ROBERTS: Well, now that you mention it, laying there in the ring, he does look a little like Lobo. You know. Fat. Out cold. Dressed in a white fur coat.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Fine. Whatever. Cut the damn promo.
KYLE ROBERTS: (in an announcer's voice) LADIES AND GENTLEMEEENNN! IN THIS CORNER (points to the bear) THE NEEW AND IMPROOOVED D-X! AND IN THIS CORNER! (points to himself) SOOOOME JACKAAAAASSSSS!
(Kyle starts grappling with the bear, Bruce pulls the camera over so the ring isn't in frame.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Hello folks. My name is Bruce "The Beast" Richards. You may know me as one half of the greatest tag team in North America, the NAPW's own New & Improved D-X. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my tag team partner, Stylin' Kyle Roberts. He means well, and he usually gets the job done, but occasionally he gets crazy ideas into his head. (Sighs.) Like wrestling a bear.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Off-camera) Coach, you got that tranquilizer dart loaded? (Tweeet!) Right.
BRUCE RICHARDS: The point that I THINK my partner is trying to make is that sometimes, you just have to know your limitations. There is no way that Kyle is going to be able to beat that bear. The bear has more brawn, more raw power, more fighting spirit, and - I hate to say it - more brains.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Off-camera) Okay, bear, get ready, because you're going down!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Now, some people might call the bear names for beating Kyle. A "monster", or a "cheater", or even "evil". Why? Because he's got natural advantages over a mere human, like his claws and his fighting instinct? You can't turn off the bear's natural abilities; he's just a different breed. Just like the New & Improved D-X: we're a different, better breed of tag team.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Off-camera) Time for the Emerald Fusion – (you hear a muffled roar) OH GOD!! THE CLAWS!! (TWWEEEEETTT!!!!)
BRUCE RICHARDS: So this is a warning, not just to The Dudes, but to all the tag teams. When you step into the ring with a beast as dominant as D-X, there's just no way you're going to be able to overcome him. He's going to take you apart, and not because he wants to: because he doesn't know anything else.
(Walks past the ring again, where you see Kyle Roberts laying sprawled underneath a semi-conscious polar bear with a tranquilizer dart in his rump. Coach Jago is down on the mat, hitting the canvas: 1...2...3!!! The Coach goes wild! D-X...wins?)
Co-written by Kyle and Bruce
KYLE ROBERTS: Okay, Coach, you you have the tranquilizer gun ready, just in case? (Coach Jago whistles.) Great. And the camera's set up?
CAMERAMAN: (offscreen) Just getting it all ready right now.
KYLE ROBERTS: Excellent.
(Bruce Richards walks into frame.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: PLEASE tell me you're not going to go through with this. Sure, it was a funny joke when we were talking about it, but it's a stupid, dangerous stunt.
KYLE ROBERTS: I've got everything under control, Bruce. It's why Coach has got a tranquilizer gun at the ready, filled up with a crapload of knockout juice. Plus, we've got the handlers nearby.
BRUCE RICHARDS: You've come up with a lot of dumb ideas in the past, but this one's lunacy. You're dealing with a real live polar bear in there.
(The camera zooms in to get a better look. Sure enough, there's a prone monstrously-sized polar bear in the ring. He seems to be lifeless, but his eyes are wide open.)
KYLE ROBERTS: That bear's so zonked out. They do this all the time here.
BRUCE RICHARDS: They don't wrestle bears.
KYLE ROBERTS: No, but they're always drugging the bears up.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Yes. So they can be airlifted out of town before someone gets hurt.
KYLE ROBERTS: Trust me, I'm fine. Can we get started now? (Bruce walks out of the camera frame. The camera zooms in to get a full screen of Robert's bundled upper torso.)
KYLE ROBERTS: Hi, I'm Kyle Roberts, one half of the NAPW Tag team Champions. Some of you might be thinking, "Hey, we haven't heard anything from the champs since Black Thursday, other than the run-in beatdown they organized on Monday Night Fights."
Well, it's true. We have been keeping a low profile. But that doesn't mean we haven't been paying attention to the NAPW scene.
First off, let me show you exactly what's going on. Every year, Bruce and I take a trip up here to Churchill, Manitoba, the gateway to Hudson's Bay, and polar bear capital of the world.
Getting this far away from our real life helps up prioritize. It's usually our yearly summit to set goals for ourselves and figure out ways to achieve them.
Also, it provides a great way to have a little in-ring allegory for what the New and Improved D-X is going to accomplish this year.
First off, man, what a supercard Black Thursday was, hunh? The Decapitators came SO close to winning our titles. That was the reason we decided to distract them with our little "tiff." It's all about distraction, boys. Something you'll have to learn if you want to get to our level.
And hey! A few new teams have arrived! Finally, some worthy competit- (pauses, starts again) Finally, some competi- (pauses, starts again) Finally, more guys to beat up! It's almost like we have a proper tag team division here at New Alberta Pro.
Although, there is ONE guy that we think will do VERY well in the fed. At least, there's someone that the New and Improved D-X can actually interact with. A guy worthy of our notice. Yeah, that's right. Chris Casino.
Now THERE'S a guy with some class! The real deal! And the fact that the illustrious Terry Brandon is managing him? Oh my god. Brandon's been an idol of mine ever since I was thirteen.
But back to my allegory. (camera zooms out) Here in THIS VERY RING, I, Kyle Roberts will face a polar bear! You see, just like this polar bear, with the New and Improved D-X, it's a hazard to enter the ring. You never know if you're going to leave with your limbs intact!
(Bruce Richards walks into frame.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle.
KYLE ROBERTS: Yes, Bruce?
BRUCE RICHARDS: I'm not sure if you've got this metaphor all worked out.
KYLE ROBERTS: What do you mean? Oh, by the way, you're on camera now, Bruce.
BRUCE RICHARDS: (looks at the camera, and grimaces, and then turns back to Kyle) So, let me get this straight: The polar bear represents us.
KYLE ROBERTS: You got it.
BRUCE RICHARDS: And YOU represent our opponents at any given time?
KYLE ROBERTS: That was the plan.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Don't you think that's a little...confusing?
KYLE ROBERTS: Not following.
BRUCE RICHARDS: If the bear is US, and YOU'RE not YOU, but someone else...
KYLE ROBERTS: Still not following. Can I get back to wrestling a bear here?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle, you're comparing the NAPW Tag Team Champions to a DRUGGED-UP BEAR! How does that make us look?
KYLE ROBERTS: I'm asking the audience to imagine that the bear isn't drugged, thank you very much!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Have you seen this e-mail? We're scheduled against The Dudes on Monday night. For the titles.
KYLE ROBERTS: So I'll be Cameron Scott, then?
BRUCE RICHARDS: Shouldn't the DRUGGED-UP BEAR be our opponents?
KYLE ROBERTS: Well, now that you mention it, laying there in the ring, he does look a little like Lobo. You know. Fat. Out cold. Dressed in a white fur coat.
BRUCE RICHARDS: Fine. Whatever. Cut the damn promo.
KYLE ROBERTS: (in an announcer's voice) LADIES AND GENTLEMEEENNN! IN THIS CORNER (points to the bear) THE NEEW AND IMPROOOVED D-X! AND IN THIS CORNER! (points to himself) SOOOOME JACKAAAAASSSSS!
(Kyle starts grappling with the bear, Bruce pulls the camera over so the ring isn't in frame.)
BRUCE RICHARDS: Hello folks. My name is Bruce "The Beast" Richards. You may know me as one half of the greatest tag team in North America, the NAPW's own New & Improved D-X. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my tag team partner, Stylin' Kyle Roberts. He means well, and he usually gets the job done, but occasionally he gets crazy ideas into his head. (Sighs.) Like wrestling a bear.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Off-camera) Coach, you got that tranquilizer dart loaded? (Tweeet!) Right.
BRUCE RICHARDS: The point that I THINK my partner is trying to make is that sometimes, you just have to know your limitations. There is no way that Kyle is going to be able to beat that bear. The bear has more brawn, more raw power, more fighting spirit, and - I hate to say it - more brains.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Off-camera) Okay, bear, get ready, because you're going down!
BRUCE RICHARDS: Now, some people might call the bear names for beating Kyle. A "monster", or a "cheater", or even "evil". Why? Because he's got natural advantages over a mere human, like his claws and his fighting instinct? You can't turn off the bear's natural abilities; he's just a different breed. Just like the New & Improved D-X: we're a different, better breed of tag team.
KYLE ROBERTS: (Off-camera) Time for the Emerald Fusion – (you hear a muffled roar) OH GOD!! THE CLAWS!! (TWWEEEEETTT!!!!)
BRUCE RICHARDS: So this is a warning, not just to The Dudes, but to all the tag teams. When you step into the ring with a beast as dominant as D-X, there's just no way you're going to be able to overcome him. He's going to take you apart, and not because he wants to: because he doesn't know anything else.
(Walks past the ring again, where you see Kyle Roberts laying sprawled underneath a semi-conscious polar bear with a tranquilizer dart in his rump. Coach Jago is down on the mat, hitting the canvas: 1...2...3!!! The Coach goes wild! D-X...wins?)
Co-written by Kyle and Bruce