Post by D! on Dec 7, 2005 12:38:17 GMT -5
(Lights up in an empty NAPW cafeteria. We see D! seated by himself, title on shoulder, glumly doing a crossword puzzle.)
D!: This sucks. Being NAPW Champion sucks. Everything's so hard. I don't want to be Champion anymore. Maybe I should stop being Champion. Maybe that thing I just said. (Shakes his fist at heaven.) Do you hear me? I don't want to be Champion anymore!
(We hear a door open and close. Giant Foam Delivery Man #1 walks into frame, with a fake halo and a set of angel wings strapped to his back.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: Fear not! It is I, your frickin' Guardian Angel!
D!: Guardian Angel? Am I dying?
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Shrugs.) Sure, why not? Now, D, you can't frickin' stop being Champion! I'm here to show you what will happen if you stop!
D!: But how could that be bad?
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Laughs like Santa Claus.) Ho, ho, ho! You'll surely frickin' see!
(D! and his"angel" walk over to another table, where we see Wayne Wright, his left arm clearly stuffed inside his Decapitators "Off With Their Heads!" T-shirt.)
D!: Oh, no! Why are we talking to a war veteran?
DELIVERY MAN #1: You are mistaken--this hagrid figure is not from Vietnam--he is a frickin' NAPW fan!
(D! claps his hands to his face and reacts in shock.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: Whaaaaaaa-?
WRIGHT: That's right! After you lost the NAPW Championship, the new champion treated us fans like garbage! And after he tossed an opponent into the crowd, that's how I lost my arm! (Waves his "stump" at the camera.)
D!: Oh, no! That's terrible!
(Wright picks up a bowl of cooked spaghetti and wiggles it under the camera.)
WRIGHT: And then I lost my braaaaaaaaains!!!
D!: Oh, angel, who could have done this! Who could have hurt the NAPW fans so?
DELIVERY MAN #1: You should frickin' know . . . you created him!
(D! and Delivery Man #1 walk down to another table, where they meet D!'s neighbour Don, wearing red tights and holding a bowling trophy. he stands.)
DON: Rrrr! I am an Olympic Champion!
D!: Oh, no! Not--Lobo!!!
DON: Yes, it's me, Lobot! I, uh, hate the NAPW! And, ah, I'm gonna ruin this title! Ah, too late! I already haaaaave! (Waves his arms like a ghost.)
D!: Oh, no!
(D! starts "spiraling" away from Don, which he achieves by spinning. Delivery Man #1 just walks.)
D!: No, spirit, it's all my fault! I want to be Champion! I don't want Lobo to be Champion! I've seen the error of my ways! Please, turn time back!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Fear not! For it was just a frickin' virtual reality deal! But do you now understand why you can't lose to that frickin' frick?
D!: I do! So on Thursday Night Action! I'll beat him pillar to post! I promise, angel, or rave kid, that I'll pin Lobo squarely in the middle of the mat!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Then I will earn my wings!
(Awkward pause as he checks his costume, then just walks away. Having come full circle, D! just sits down at the table, and cheerfully attacks his crossword puzzle.)
D!: I love being NAPW Champion! Thanks, Heaven!
(Don just kinda walks into the frame and smiles. Lights down.)
D!: This sucks. Being NAPW Champion sucks. Everything's so hard. I don't want to be Champion anymore. Maybe I should stop being Champion. Maybe that thing I just said. (Shakes his fist at heaven.) Do you hear me? I don't want to be Champion anymore!
(We hear a door open and close. Giant Foam Delivery Man #1 walks into frame, with a fake halo and a set of angel wings strapped to his back.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: Fear not! It is I, your frickin' Guardian Angel!
D!: Guardian Angel? Am I dying?
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Shrugs.) Sure, why not? Now, D, you can't frickin' stop being Champion! I'm here to show you what will happen if you stop!
D!: But how could that be bad?
DELIVERY MAN #1: (Laughs like Santa Claus.) Ho, ho, ho! You'll surely frickin' see!
(D! and his"angel" walk over to another table, where we see Wayne Wright, his left arm clearly stuffed inside his Decapitators "Off With Their Heads!" T-shirt.)
D!: Oh, no! Why are we talking to a war veteran?
DELIVERY MAN #1: You are mistaken--this hagrid figure is not from Vietnam--he is a frickin' NAPW fan!
(D! claps his hands to his face and reacts in shock.)
DELIVERY MAN #1: Whaaaaaaa-?
WRIGHT: That's right! After you lost the NAPW Championship, the new champion treated us fans like garbage! And after he tossed an opponent into the crowd, that's how I lost my arm! (Waves his "stump" at the camera.)
D!: Oh, no! That's terrible!
(Wright picks up a bowl of cooked spaghetti and wiggles it under the camera.)
WRIGHT: And then I lost my braaaaaaaaains!!!
D!: Oh, angel, who could have done this! Who could have hurt the NAPW fans so?
DELIVERY MAN #1: You should frickin' know . . . you created him!
(D! and Delivery Man #1 walk down to another table, where they meet D!'s neighbour Don, wearing red tights and holding a bowling trophy. he stands.)
DON: Rrrr! I am an Olympic Champion!
D!: Oh, no! Not--Lobo!!!
DON: Yes, it's me, Lobot! I, uh, hate the NAPW! And, ah, I'm gonna ruin this title! Ah, too late! I already haaaaave! (Waves his arms like a ghost.)
D!: Oh, no!
(D! starts "spiraling" away from Don, which he achieves by spinning. Delivery Man #1 just walks.)
D!: No, spirit, it's all my fault! I want to be Champion! I don't want Lobo to be Champion! I've seen the error of my ways! Please, turn time back!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Fear not! For it was just a frickin' virtual reality deal! But do you now understand why you can't lose to that frickin' frick?
D!: I do! So on Thursday Night Action! I'll beat him pillar to post! I promise, angel, or rave kid, that I'll pin Lobo squarely in the middle of the mat!
DELIVERY MAN #1: Then I will earn my wings!
(Awkward pause as he checks his costume, then just walks away. Having come full circle, D! just sits down at the table, and cheerfully attacks his crossword puzzle.)
D!: I love being NAPW Champion! Thanks, Heaven!
(Don just kinda walks into the frame and smiles. Lights down.)