Post by D! on Dec 3, 2005 13:59:30 GMT -5
(Lights up. Late Friday night. It's the rooftop on the corner of 104th and Whyte, and this time it's wearing a small layer of snow. The stairwell door opens and D! emerges, layered for warmth and proudly displaying his doofy hand-knit green toque. He takes a deep breath, walks halfway to the corner of the building, and gazes out, rapt. He gets a few seconds of this.)
RAVAGER: About time you got here.
D!: (Jumps.) JEBUS!
(Ravager stands up from the crouched position he was maintaining close to the edge. A this layer of snow slides off of him when he does.)
RAVAGER: You're late.
D!: What is your deal?
RAVAGER: I've been waiting here for too long. You're supposed to be reliable.
D!: I don't even know what you're talking about. I'm up here because I love the view. We didn't have a meeting, dude.
RAVAGER: I distinctly summoned you.
D!: How is that, now? Seeing as haven't missed a call or e-mail tonight.
RAVAGER: (Confused.) I roughed up a string of fake homeless punks. I thought that was pretty straightforward.
(Pause. D! buries his face in his hands for a few seconds, then comes up for air.)
D!: LUNATIC!
RAVAGER: You're welcome, by the way.
D!: STOP BEATING UP MY NEIGHBOURHOOD!
RAVAGER: Can't help it. Every time I get down to Whyte Avenue, I just feel like hitting someone.
D!: Just . . . just what do you want?
RAVAGER: A favour. I've got a match on Monday against Mirage--
D!: Uh, no you don't. It's Misery.
RAVAGER: What did I say?
D!: Mirage.
RAVAGER: That's a different guy?
D!: Misery's the guy who put away J.C.
RAVAGER: With the Greek mask?
D!: No, that's Minstrel.
RAVAGER: Mirage doesn't have a mask?
D!: Mirage has a mask.
(Pause.)
D!: So does Misery.
(Pause.)
RAVAGER: Who's my opponent?
D!: The crazy bastard with the mask . . .
RAVAGER: . . . who's not Mirage.
D!: Check.
RAVAGER: Or Minstrel.
D!: Check.
RAVAGER: Or Static.
D!: Check.
RAVAGER: Okay. That helps. Listen, as you know, certain . . . facts about me have been unearthed . . .
D!: You have a family.
RAVAGER: Everyone has a family.
D!: You created a family. You.
RAVAGER: Honestly, that's true. Is there a problem with all of this?
D!: You're the most IRRESPONSIBLE person I know! You're selfish, violent, oblivious to other people--
RAVAGER: (Muttering under his breath.) Need. D. Alive. Need. D. Alive.
D!: I'm sorry, but you're just about the worst possible candidate for a parent that I could imagine! I mean, I'm sorry, I just have a hard time accepting this!
RAVAGER: Yet here I am, once more asking for outside assistance.
(Pause.)
D!: Here's what else I can't accept: you having sex. Period.
RAVAGER: Like you should talk. I've seen you with exactly zero women in all of my time here. Even Rex Caliber can get a date, and he looks like a catfish.
D!: Whatever. With Plague gone, I'll have more time for play. And I'm not interfering in your match! I've got a new opponent to prepare for.
RAVAGER: Ah, yes, Lobo. Picking up on my old leftovers, are you?
D!: Jobber, please. Lobo's a fine competitor. You know how hard he worked for the Provincial title. He even came close to beating you once or twice.
RAVAGER: Well, he didn't. So why is he getting an NAPW title shot?
D!: He's not. He's getting an opportunity to work for that title shot.
RAVAGER: So what do you get out of it?
D!: First of all, I give the fans one hell of a singles match-up. Secondly . . . well, like I said, Lobo's talented.
RAVAGER: Fine by me. As long as he gets "The D! Kiss of Death", then we're good.
(Pause.)
D!: The what what of WHAT?!?
RAVAGER: It's just that it doesn't pay to be one of your opponents, does it? Viking--cut.
D!: (Mutters.) Oh yeah . . . they did cut him.
RAVAGER: And Plague you purposefully retired . . . I can only hope that something similar happens to our resident Olympian.
D!: I don't think two opponents counts as a "Kiss of Death".
RAVAGER: Have it your way. Incidentally, what is the deal with Plague?
D!: I haven't talked to him.
RAVAGER: No, you haven't done anything about him. You want to call me names, D? Then you're smug. I'm amazed that you aven't put together a funny clip show or done a eulogy for his career. You're flat out avoiding the subject.
D!: I don't think I am.
RAVAGER: Then tell me: Why that final handshake when you know that trusting him always ends badly? Why have you refrained from heaping dirt on the body?
D!: Because after it was all said and done, Ravager, retiring Plague was just something that needed to be done. Do you think you wanted him as your NAPW Champion? He has to be on top! All the damned time! Guys like him, Jarrett, Triple H . . . do you think guys like Lobo would even get opportunities? Do you think you would?
Don't you think I wanted to treat this as the greatest moment in my life? But you know what? It's not about me. Plague couldn't stay. Period. So I did it for the NAPW, I did it for his own good, more than I did it for myself. And that's why I can't be smug about it.
RAVAGER: (Grins.) Sure. (He starts walking to the exit.) You keep telling yourself that.
D!: So, wait a minute. What about the favour?
RAVAGER: (Stopping in his tracks.) Hmm?
D!: You were asing me about a favour.
RAVAGER: Ah, yes. You know what happened in Misery's match against young Cook.
D!: I sure do . . . poor guy.
RAVAGER: If anything . . . happens to me on Monday Night, well . . .
(Pause.)
RAVAGER: I need someone to look after my family.
D!: NO.
RAVAGER: D! Please. You know there's not a lot of people that I can trust. It has to be someone who can care about people he hasn't met. Someone with integrity. Someone like you.
(Pause. The wind picks up.)
D!: Fine. If Misery wastes you like J.C. Cook, I'll look after your family.
RAVAGER: Oh, no, you misunderstand me. When I said "anything happens" . . .
(Ravager resumes walking.)
RAVAGER: . . . I meant me going to jail.
(And like that, Ravager's gone. D! is left alone on the snow-covered rooftop, the wind now howling fiercely. Lights down.)
----------
Co-written with Ravager.
RAVAGER: About time you got here.
D!: (Jumps.) JEBUS!
(Ravager stands up from the crouched position he was maintaining close to the edge. A this layer of snow slides off of him when he does.)
RAVAGER: You're late.
D!: What is your deal?
RAVAGER: I've been waiting here for too long. You're supposed to be reliable.
D!: I don't even know what you're talking about. I'm up here because I love the view. We didn't have a meeting, dude.
RAVAGER: I distinctly summoned you.
D!: How is that, now? Seeing as haven't missed a call or e-mail tonight.
RAVAGER: (Confused.) I roughed up a string of fake homeless punks. I thought that was pretty straightforward.
(Pause. D! buries his face in his hands for a few seconds, then comes up for air.)
D!: LUNATIC!
RAVAGER: You're welcome, by the way.
D!: STOP BEATING UP MY NEIGHBOURHOOD!
RAVAGER: Can't help it. Every time I get down to Whyte Avenue, I just feel like hitting someone.
D!: Just . . . just what do you want?
RAVAGER: A favour. I've got a match on Monday against Mirage--
D!: Uh, no you don't. It's Misery.
RAVAGER: What did I say?
D!: Mirage.
RAVAGER: That's a different guy?
D!: Misery's the guy who put away J.C.
RAVAGER: With the Greek mask?
D!: No, that's Minstrel.
RAVAGER: Mirage doesn't have a mask?
D!: Mirage has a mask.
(Pause.)
D!: So does Misery.
(Pause.)
RAVAGER: Who's my opponent?
D!: The crazy bastard with the mask . . .
RAVAGER: . . . who's not Mirage.
D!: Check.
RAVAGER: Or Minstrel.
D!: Check.
RAVAGER: Or Static.
D!: Check.
RAVAGER: Okay. That helps. Listen, as you know, certain . . . facts about me have been unearthed . . .
D!: You have a family.
RAVAGER: Everyone has a family.
D!: You created a family. You.
RAVAGER: Honestly, that's true. Is there a problem with all of this?
D!: You're the most IRRESPONSIBLE person I know! You're selfish, violent, oblivious to other people--
RAVAGER: (Muttering under his breath.) Need. D. Alive. Need. D. Alive.
D!: I'm sorry, but you're just about the worst possible candidate for a parent that I could imagine! I mean, I'm sorry, I just have a hard time accepting this!
RAVAGER: Yet here I am, once more asking for outside assistance.
(Pause.)
D!: Here's what else I can't accept: you having sex. Period.
RAVAGER: Like you should talk. I've seen you with exactly zero women in all of my time here. Even Rex Caliber can get a date, and he looks like a catfish.
D!: Whatever. With Plague gone, I'll have more time for play. And I'm not interfering in your match! I've got a new opponent to prepare for.
RAVAGER: Ah, yes, Lobo. Picking up on my old leftovers, are you?
D!: Jobber, please. Lobo's a fine competitor. You know how hard he worked for the Provincial title. He even came close to beating you once or twice.
RAVAGER: Well, he didn't. So why is he getting an NAPW title shot?
D!: He's not. He's getting an opportunity to work for that title shot.
RAVAGER: So what do you get out of it?
D!: First of all, I give the fans one hell of a singles match-up. Secondly . . . well, like I said, Lobo's talented.
RAVAGER: Fine by me. As long as he gets "The D! Kiss of Death", then we're good.
(Pause.)
D!: The what what of WHAT?!?
RAVAGER: It's just that it doesn't pay to be one of your opponents, does it? Viking--cut.
D!: (Mutters.) Oh yeah . . . they did cut him.
RAVAGER: And Plague you purposefully retired . . . I can only hope that something similar happens to our resident Olympian.
D!: I don't think two opponents counts as a "Kiss of Death".
RAVAGER: Have it your way. Incidentally, what is the deal with Plague?
D!: I haven't talked to him.
RAVAGER: No, you haven't done anything about him. You want to call me names, D? Then you're smug. I'm amazed that you aven't put together a funny clip show or done a eulogy for his career. You're flat out avoiding the subject.
D!: I don't think I am.
RAVAGER: Then tell me: Why that final handshake when you know that trusting him always ends badly? Why have you refrained from heaping dirt on the body?
D!: Because after it was all said and done, Ravager, retiring Plague was just something that needed to be done. Do you think you wanted him as your NAPW Champion? He has to be on top! All the damned time! Guys like him, Jarrett, Triple H . . . do you think guys like Lobo would even get opportunities? Do you think you would?
Don't you think I wanted to treat this as the greatest moment in my life? But you know what? It's not about me. Plague couldn't stay. Period. So I did it for the NAPW, I did it for his own good, more than I did it for myself. And that's why I can't be smug about it.
RAVAGER: (Grins.) Sure. (He starts walking to the exit.) You keep telling yourself that.
D!: So, wait a minute. What about the favour?
RAVAGER: (Stopping in his tracks.) Hmm?
D!: You were asing me about a favour.
RAVAGER: Ah, yes. You know what happened in Misery's match against young Cook.
D!: I sure do . . . poor guy.
RAVAGER: If anything . . . happens to me on Monday Night, well . . .
(Pause.)
RAVAGER: I need someone to look after my family.
D!: NO.
RAVAGER: D! Please. You know there's not a lot of people that I can trust. It has to be someone who can care about people he hasn't met. Someone with integrity. Someone like you.
(Pause. The wind picks up.)
D!: Fine. If Misery wastes you like J.C. Cook, I'll look after your family.
RAVAGER: Oh, no, you misunderstand me. When I said "anything happens" . . .
(Ravager resumes walking.)
RAVAGER: . . . I meant me going to jail.
(And like that, Ravager's gone. D! is left alone on the snow-covered rooftop, the wind now howling fiercely. Lights down.)
----------
Co-written with Ravager.